(Closed) Should I go through with this?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Kinda need to be more specific. Sorry you are going through a tough time.

Post # 5
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am going to say pray about it. If he isn’t the man you’re supposed to be with you’ll know. Ask for a sign from God and don’t tell anyone else what it is. 

 

Have ya’ll discussed counseling or just having your own bank accounts for a while? My in laws are HORRIBLE with a shared bank account that used to be all they would fight about is money, until they got seperate bank accounts. It’s together their money, but just in two different spots

Post # 6
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Finances are one of the biggest reasons for divorce, so it’s really important to be on the same page–and it sounds like there is an underlying trust issue here.

I know people think counseling can be the easy answer, and is sometimes over-prescribed (so to speak), but I would say it might help to see a couples counselor to help open the lines of communication so this doesn’t ever happen again.  You have to figure out the underlying issues and be able to address them to prevent the situation from re-occurring.

I know how hard it is when your Fiance betrays your trust, and I wish you both the best.

Post # 7
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2009

that stinks. i dont think you should call it off. he came to you and part of being married (or almost being married) is working things out together. but he did lie to you so you might want to figure out why he kept this from you since it is effecting both of your futures.

i got a piece of advice that i like to use in situations like this (when you dont know what to do) If this was your best friend in this same situation, what would you tell her to do? sometimes taking yourself out of the situation helps you see clearly.

 

Post # 9
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I can’t answer this question for you.  But my recommendation – postpone the wedding.  It’s great that he came to you and confessed everything, but I think before you get married you need to rebuilt some trust and transparency, preferably with the help of a good counselor (religious or secular).

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@ajs12345: I didn’t see this before I posted.  I would emphasize that this is NOT just an issue of finances.  It’s an issue of addiction. I feel even more strongly now that you postpone the wedding, go to Al-Anon, and otherwise read up on being partner to a recovering addict.

Post # 11
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

oops, repost accidentally

Post # 12
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with PP. Postpone the wedding till he has his addiction under control and yall are in a stable place.

Post # 13
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If we postpone, we lose so much

But not NEARLY as much as you would lose if you married him and he couldn’t/wouldn’t get his addiction under control.

Listen, I understand, to an extent. My husband wanted to get engaged years ago, and I refused.  He was in the midst of the most unbelievable depression. I loved him, and I knew I wanted to be with him, but I simply COULD NOT risk spending my whole life with someone who could barely get out of bed in the morning. Now, 3-4 years later, he is doing so much better, and we have been happily married for 1 month 2 days. 🙂 Postponing isn’t the same thing as breaking up.

Post # 14
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mightywombat: Agreed. Issues of addiction are a whole different ballgame.

I would recommend looking into the resources suggested, postponing the wedding and attending couple’s counseling as well as encouraging your fiance to seek individual counseling. Good luck to both of you!

Post # 15
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@ajs12345: If you postpone, you lose–what? a few thousand dollars? That is NOTHING compared to what you would lose if you end up in a relationship with a self-destructive person before you have 1) seen the FULL extent of his problem, 2) seen how willing he is to work actively on battling his addiction (regardless of what he says) and 3) decided whether you want the complications that being married to an addict will bring to your life. You say you will not put your children through what you went through. Then please, please, please take your time in moving forward with this man. I’m not saying you should leave him, but you need TIME to figure that out.

Not only is the money/time/emotional stress that you’d lose by postponing the wedding nothing compared to that of going through with a potentially disastrous marriage, but think of all that you’ll gain by having the time and the will to actively address these issues head-on and work proactively to rebuild your relationship and your trust (if that is the route you end up choosing to go).

Postponing your wedding is not a failure or even the end of your relationship. All it means is that you need more time to figure things out.

ETA:

@mightywombat: whoops, I didn’t see your second post before responding. Agreed 100%.

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