Post # 1
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
My ex killed himself yesterday :*(. I have such mixed feelings about it! Just a little info.
We met 12 years ago, had our first baby after only 2 years of being together second one on year 4. together 5 years total. He was not a nice person! he beat me (almost killed me 2 times)…cheated on me…. and even went as far as drugging my drink one night. He went to prison for 3 years over one of the beatings. that was after 34 police reports almost dieing twice and many many bloody noses, scrapes and bruises. His family has still after all this time been here more for me and my kids that my own family. I call them my family. My ex and i ended it in 2004. Just a few months after that i met my now husband 🙂
info on husband now.
Has always been supportive. adopted my two older girls. we had a baby together. and we are soooo happy. match made in heaven.
My husband said that it is up to me weather or not to go but no matter what he is here for me and will do what ever.
My ex’s mom and sisters say i should go if i wanted to. my oldest daughter (age 11) said she doesnt like funerals and doesnt think she wants to go. my 9 year old has never got to know her biological father so to her its no big deal.
My ex had other children who I helped rasied for many years. His 17 year old daughter is so broke up about it she isnt talking to anyone but her biological mom.
Question is:
Would it be wrong to not go? I dont want to seem like some bitch who wouldnt even bring his biological kids to his funeral? I feel sad over this/the hole thing. but mostly im sad for what he did to his family and the kids who knew him. I said my goodbyes 8 years ago to him as he was headed on a very bad path i didnt want part in. (DRUGS). I want to be there for his mother and two of his siblings, but i almost think it would be awkward 🙁 Please tell me what you think.
Confused and Sad in Montana
Post # 3
Member
13942 posts
Honey Beekeeper
I think this is such a personal decision that only you can make it. If your children wanted to go, or if you think emotionally they could handle it, it might be important for them to say goodbye to their biological father. But if he never had a role in their lives, it might be confusing. It also might be helpful for you to go and get closure on an awful situation. At this moment, any control and power he had is 100% gone, with no lingering chance that he could hurt you again.
Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make!
Post # 4
Member
1574 posts
Bumble bee
I would, simply because he was the father of my children and to pay respects to his family.
Post # 5
Member
3450 posts
Sugar bee
I would go to pay my respects. As far as taking the kids, I think you know your children better than anyone else.
Post # 6
Member
1794 posts
Buzzing bee
It’s a tough situation, but I personally think that you and your kids should go. While your kids may not feel like going now, it can helpful to get closure and they may later regret skipping their father’s funeral.
Post # 7
Member
926 posts
Busy bee
What a tough situation. I’m so sorry.
Funerals are often about support for the family. If his family has been good to you, and if your emotions can take it, I would say go. Maybe think about it this way: If you had an older friend who’s adult son did the same thing, would you want to be there to support that friend? If so, then I think it would be a nice gesture for you to go.
That’s if you can take it emotionally though. You would have every reason in the world to want to avoid it in order to avoid bringing up old wounds.
Post # 8
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
First off, I’m so sorry you lived through such a nightmare. I can understand being conflicted about your feelings. This is a very personal decision. I suppose I would go if only out of respect and wishing his family well and to say a final goodbye to the man who gave you two children. But again, it’s really personal and it’s totally your call.
Post # 9
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
If you are close with his family then I would go to show support for them.
Post # 10
Member
4346 posts
Honey bee
I think if you can manage it, it would be nice to go to support his family, who you said have treated you very well. I think his other children who you helped raise would also appreciate it if you went. But, if you don’t want to go, or think you can’t handle it you won’t get one ounce of judgement from me. And finally, I am so sorry that you had to live through all of that.
Post # 11
Member
1024 posts
Bumble bee
Its entirely up to you if you want to go or not. Don’t feel guilty if you don’t want to go. Do what you think will be best for yourself in the end.
Do you think you would regret not going 10 years from now? It may bring some sort of closure.
*hugs* im sorry for what happened to you and so happy that your with a wonderful man now
Post # 12
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
My biological father was in my life until I was 3 years old. During those years, he beat my mother and put her in the hospital more times than I can count. Eventually, she left him – THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE!
My, now, father adopted me when I was 5 years old. (Best day of my life)
Anyway, I would NEVER go to my biological father’s funeral. I would NEVER want my mother to bring me around his family. I have not been in contact with them since I was 5 years old, and I NEVER want to see them/ hear from them/ or communicate with them in any way. Ever. I know that they aren’t the one’s who hurt my mother.. but I still cannot think of those people, without associating them with him. (obviously)
If your children are anything like me – later in life, they will appreciate not going.
That’s all I can personally say about it.
I would not go.
Also, you owe nothing to him. His family should also be able to understand that.
Post # 13
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
Man, that’s tough. I think this is a personal decision and there’s no wrong decision that you can make.
ETA** Kuddos to you on surviving such horrors. I work in DV so I see a lot, and cannot imagine what you’ve been through.
Post # 14
Member
9815 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Do you think maybe you could find a time to meet with his family privately maybe after the funeral to just give them a hug and offer sympathies? Since they have been so good to you. That seems like the only reason you’d go anyway.
Post # 15
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
No. What good would it do for you or him? If you feel like your story with him is closed, then let it be. No one would think poorly of you.
Post # 16
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
@ForeverBlessed: I think this opinion may help the OP – thanks for sharing!
I agree, it’s a very personal decision. To be honest, I think you should go with your gut on this one. And, if your gut tells you not to go, don’t. As long as your children are okay with the decision. While reading this, my first instinct was HELL NO. But it’s not up to me to decide. This man almost killed you. You should NOT feel guilty if you choose not to attend his funeral.