(Closed) Should I go to my ex’s funeral? (the biological father of my two kids)

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you go to your ex's funeral? (Your 2 kids biological father)

    just you go

    Dont go

    You and the kids should go

    Toss of a coin; too hard of a question

  • Post # 17
    Member
    3941 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I also believe this to be a personal decision.  However, if it were me I would not go.  It doesn’t sound like he valued your life, I’m not sure why you should give him some sort of respect he never gave you. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    5983 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 1999

    I have no recommendation because I honestly don’t know what I would do if I was in your situation.  Instead, I wanted to tell you that I’m thinking of you and your children during this challenging and emotional time.   

    Post # 19
    Member
    7605 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Wow.  I don’t have an answer for you, but I’m so glad to hear that you and the kids are happy and safe now.  I think you should talk to his family about it and see if you can show your support of them in another way.  If the kids don’t want to go, I wouldn’t push it, they are still very young.

    Post # 20
    Member
    6890 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Hmm. If I’m answering this as how I *think* I would handle it in that situation (though obviously I’m not!) I think I’d go, I’d take my kids, but I wouldn’t sit with the family and I’d be pretty low-key about it. Basically go to pay respects to the family you’re close with, give your kids a bit of the closure they don’t know they need, and not regret it later.

    Like I’d literally sit in the back and maybe not go to the graveside part if you don’t want to.

    Or maybe, could you just drop in at the viewing?? That’s what I do when I don’t feel the need to be at a funeral but I want to show respect to those that will be there.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1676 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I don’t know how much help advice can be because this is a personal decision. I just wanted to say that you shouldn’t feel guilty no matter what you decide. Do what feels best for you and your children and move forward. I wish you the best and hope you can decide what will bring you the most peace. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    1682 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    The funny thing about funerals is that it’s not so much about the person who’s gone, but the people left behind. 

    I would go to be respectful of his family, who you seem to be close with. I would probably leave the decision to go up to your girls though; they’re old enough.

    Post # 23
    Member
    307 posts
    Helper bee

    mmm this is a hard decision..i really can’t offer much advice but a few thoughts.

    i almost think that the kids are too young to make such a big decision on their own (i have two kids who are similar in age to yours and i realize that their immediate desires are usually not necessarily fully informed just because they haven’t had enough life experience). if there is some time, i would think about it a little more. this will be the last time your girls will be able to see the man who helped to give them life. i’m not saying you should or shouldn’t bring them but it is certainly something to think more about.

    my sense about funerals are that they are as much about supporting those who have been left behind as it is for remembering the dead. if you were close to his family, it may be a good way to show that you still care about them despite what your ex did to you.

    Post # 24
    Member
    971 posts
    Busy bee

    Wow, I’m so sorry you went through all that. I think that attending a funeral is a decision only you can make, especially in these circumstances. However, I would go with the kids. They may regret not going when they get older, and they are not in such a mature mindset as to make a decision now. I think that if you don’t go, you may also regret it as well. Being there is also about supporting his family, who you seem to have a close connection to. I think it would be a nice gesture to them, and a final closure to his life as well.

    Post # 25
    Member
    344 posts
    Helper bee

    I 100% would go…..it’s to be supportive of his family.

    Post # 26
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think you should go I think that you need to leave your kids at home if they dont want to go. It could hurt more then it can help aometimes.

    Post # 27
    Member
    331 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2017

    I’m so sad to hear what you have been through, how truly awful..You have my deepest sympathies.

    Whether or not you should go is completely up to you. You’re the only one who knows how much closure you need from this, and you’re the only one who can judge whether your children need this in the long run because everyone is different.

    *hugs*

     

     

     

    Post # 28
    Member
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    It’s completely up to you.

    If it me in the situation, I can’t say I would go. I would only go if the kids wanted to go.

    There is the argument that you should go to support his family but, you can show support for his family in other ways. Rather than showing up to an uncomfortable situation, you could go visit the family the day before or after and explain why you don’t feel right going, but express your deepest sympathies for their lost family member. I’m sure they will understand

    Post # 29
    Member
    159 posts
    Blushing bee

    I know this is being bossy, but I speak knowledgeably on this ~ If you are a Domestic Abuse survivior – even after all these years – i dont think you are taking into account what this is all going to do to your subconscious mind – which is powerful, more then we know – to see him again, and like that – please go to your counselor for a tuneup before and after you go, ‘k?  this is about taking care of you first who still has little ones to look out for!!!

     

    If after visiting your counselor you are up to it – Are they having a visitation with a funeral service afterward/next day? IMO I would go to the visitation BRIEFLY (not the funeral at all) just enough to hug his family, nod in his direction, and leave.   No more no less to keep you mentally healthy. 

     

     

    Post # 30
    Member
    625 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    You should do what is the best for you emotionally. You are under no obligation to go to the funeral of a person that tried to kill you multiple times, kids or not. You are a survivor and anyone that would think of you as a bitch for not showing up in this situation, I’d ask where were they when he was beating you etc? Did they show up? Often times women are taught to put themselves on the back burner even when they’ve been through hell and high water and to think about everyone elses feeling before they think of their own, and that’s messed up.

    If the kids do want to go I can totally understand that. I would contact a family member to see if they can take them and bring them back afterward. If his other biological kids want to interact with you they can do that some other time.

    If I were you I doubt I’d go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it one iota.

    Post # 31
    Member
    802 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    After what he did to you?  If you were my brother’s ex-wife and he treated you that way, I would love to see you in another setting, I would love to keep in touch with you, but I would never want you to have to go to his funeral, or have anything to do with him.

    If you were my mother and my biological father had done that, same deal.  If your kids wanted to go, that would be one thing, but they don’t.

    There is no situation where I can imagine ever expecting a domestic abuse survivor to go to his or her abuser’s funeral.

    Please, think of yourself and what’s best for you and what’s best for your children.  Send flowers or fruit to the family, with a heartfelt note, and make your apologies for not being there and leave it at that unless you really want to go. 

    ETA: But it is absolutely up to you, I just mean you shouldn’t feel guilty about not going.  It is very okay to not go.  If you feel that the best thing is to go, you’re the best judge.

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