(Closed) Should I go to my ex’s funeral? (the biological father of my two kids)

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you go to your ex's funeral? (Your 2 kids biological father)

    just you go

    Dont go

    You and the kids should go

    Toss of a coin; too hard of a question

  • Post # 32
    343 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I would do what’s best for you but if it was me I would just go pay my respects with the kids  if possible and like PP said keep it low key. You wouldn’t have to stay for the whole thing. I don’t know if they will but sometimes they have a family hour before the funeral starts maybe you can try going to that in lieu of the actual service.

    Post # 33
    57 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    My mom went to my Dad’s funeral over 25 years after they were divorced. She did it to support me and in place of my brother who wasn’t able  to attend. Mom said she wasn’t sure if she should go. She and my stepmother have no issues and are friendly to each other. I told her all of my dad’s family loved her and would ask about her if she didn’t come. I was so glad she went. I think it gave her closure also. Maybe you would feel better seeing him with your own eyes even if the kids decide they don’t feel like attending. Also, since his family has been supportive of you, they will appreciate you coming out of respect for them. Gook Luck and congrats on finding true love.

    Post # 34
    10450 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2014

    I would go to pay my respects. My first instinct upon reading your title was of course, and bring your kids! But it sounds like they didn’t have much of a relationship with him. I would suggest maybe still talking to them about it though, it would suck if they regretted that decision 5 years down the road.

    Post # 36
    2868 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    from an outside perspective, yes, I’d say you and your kids should go.  if nothing else, it might bring you closure.  HOWVER if I were you I probably wouldn’t go… so it’s definitely up to you *hugs* luckily its only a couple of hours either way :-/

    Post # 37
    5398 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I don’t have any personal experience to draw on, but I would say it’s ok to feel all of the confusing emotions you have. It’s not a black and white situation and this was a person you had a lot of history, especially negative history, with. Trust your gut.

    Post # 38
    2203 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Suicide is such a selfish act. I would consider going to the wake to support the family. Whether or not to bring your girls, only you can really judge that. I would recommend seeking counseling for them though. Suicide is just so hard to comprehend, even if you hate the person and for them, he will always be their bio dad.

    Post # 39
    672 posts
    Busy bee

    This is up to you, but I can give you the perspective as the daughter in a similar situation. My father passed when I was 17. We had an okay relationship whenever he decided he wanted to be around and bother being a parent. I also have two half-siblings he had from a prior marriage. Both marriages failed spectacularly and neither ex-wife could stand my dad.

    When he died, my mom didn’t hestitate to ask me if it was okay if she came to the funeral. Her attitude was that as much as they hated each other at one point, she did truly love him at one point, and he was the father of her child. I was fine with her there, and actually, my dad’s mom loved that she came.

    The mother of my half siblings (both of whom were adults at the time of passing), stayed home, called my mother to rant about how if she wasn’t going to make scene, it wasn’t worth going. She bashed our dad to no end just because she couldn’t let a grudge go in death.

    It’s up to you. Our situation didn’t involve abuse. But, it’s one time in your life and those of your kids.

    Post # 40
    875 posts
    Busy bee

    I think that you need to go support his family, and since your daughters are a part of their family, I think it would be wise to make sure that this family who has supported you has the opportunity to hug and share their love with these precious children.  It sounds like your former stepchild may need some extra support too. 


    Post # 41
    27 posts

    View original reply
    @Missbliss:  this is actually something i didn’t think of. your daughters are part of their family..i imagine that it would be very meaningful that they are in some way part of this event. that said, i think it would be necessary for you to have a support system to turn to as although this can be closure, it will also probably stir up some bad feelings.  my condolences to you and your daughters.

    Post # 43
    1675 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I think your kids should go to the service, even if they were not close with your ex. Funerals are an important part of closure. I also think that you should go with them to support them. 

    Post # 44
    1368 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I think you and if his family is open to it have your husband go with you for support. One way or another the children should be there, even if they’re with their grandparents. As PPs mentioned, they’re family. They are all the family has left of your ex.

    You don’t have to be at the funeral for him, but be there for your children. Even if you’ve said goodbye, they haven’t and they’re left suffering. They could use their other parent there for support.

    My dad committed suicide in 2003 and I would not have been happy to be told I couldn’t go to the funeral. You don’t want to be responsible for your children not saying goodbye. Your oldest is what?10? She is old enough to understand what’s going on and participate in the funeral.

    Post # 45
    667 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    This is such a personal question, I would follow your gut.

    Eight years ago I had a friend die in a car accident. We had not talked in 2 years because we  were fighting over something stupid, so when it came down to it I didn’t go. But now, I wish I would have gone I think I needed the closure and I did not get it. 

    I know it’s not the same situation at all, but I thought it might help. 

    Post # 46
    3361 posts
    Sugar bee

    first of all, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.. And I’m sorry for what you are going through now ! I think you are a fabulous woman 🙂 

    As far as showing up for the funeral goes, I think you need to do what is best for you. How do you feel about it ? Would you regret it if you didnt go ? You can always be there for his family in other ways or on other days. 

    I will be praying for you and your family as well as his ! 

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