(Closed) Should I go to my ex’s funeral? (the biological father of my two kids)

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you go to your ex's funeral? (Your 2 kids biological father)

    just you go

    Dont go

    You and the kids should go

    Toss of a coin; too hard of a question

  • Post # 47
    Member
    768 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    This hits close to home for me.. my ex of 5 years ( and the father of my now 4 year old daughter) is a heroin addict. I dated him for 5 years and finally said goodbye because I couldn’t handle the drug use/lies anymore. I’m now engaged to an amazing man, we have a 4 month old baby girl and plan on getting married this summer. I often wonder what I would do if my ex were to die (which is very possible at any moment when youre a heroin user).. if I would go to his funeral… if I would take our daughter to his funeral. It’s very very sad, and soo confusing. My heart hurts for you that you’re going through this. Just do what feel rights to you in your heart. You’re in my thoughts!

    Post # 48
    Member
    5788 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If it was me, I’d contact the family and express my condolences for their loss, but I absolutely would never force my children to attend the services. They don’t need any kind of closure, as he wasn’t a part of their lives for very long, and whatever memories they have of him are best left undisturbed. Do they really need to be around other people talking about him or describing how he ended his life? I don’t think it serves any purpose and may traumatize them for a long time. Unfortunately, they’ll hear about it all some day, but hopefully it will be far in the future. Give them whatever comfort they need (if they need it) and be availabe to talk with them about it, but make sure it is appropriate for their ages.

    If it would make you feel better in some small way, attend with your husband and make it brief. The family will probably appreciate the gesture,knowing how hard it will be for you, but they’ll also know you came for THEM.

    Tough decision and I don’t envy you having to make it.

    Post # 49
    Member
    1747 posts
    Bumble bee

    @mtbutterflyrose:  I think I would go and pay my respects. However, I would not force my kids to go. If they ever wanted closure in the future and wanted to say something to him, I would take them to his final resting place.

    Post # 50
    Member
    7294 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @ItWasntMe:  also my thoughts exactly!  by the time i get done reading thru the responses, there is always at least one person who thinks the way i do.

    basically, i don’t think you need to go at all. if i were you, i can’t say what i would do because i have no idea how you feel. but as an outsider, i see no reason for you to go and i would completely understand why you chose not to.  As for your kids, i also see no reason for them to go. It’s not like they had a positive relationship with their father. He was not a good person who hurt you and them and if anything i think they should be protected from attending the funeral. I think only if your 10 year old wants to go, then you shouldn’t stop her and then decide there if you will go with her or not. But from what you said, it doesn’t sounds like she really cares to.

    Post # 51
    Member
    3770 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: December 1999

    I wasa actually in this exact case last year. My ex was abusive and addicted to drugs. We were teenagers when we had our daughter, he quit seeing her when she was a year old and even before that never showed up for vistations. His family quit seeing her about a year after that.

    Last year he died of a cocaine over dose. My daughter was nine and had no idea whi he was. Instead of having her going I went to the funeral home alone, and put a picture of her in his casket and got one of the little programs that I will put in a box for her to see some day.

    His death was a mixture of so many feelings sad for the person I once loved, sad for his family, sad that my daughter would never have the oprotunity to have a relationship with him if she hose to do so. But the biggest emotion I deal with was guilt because it was almost a relief to know he wasn’t ever coming after me again.

     

     

    Post # 52
    Member
    316 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’m sorry for the rough time you’re in right now. I would go 100% without a doubt. Even though he put you through hell (and I’m not condoning it whatsoever!), he is the father of your children. I think that if this were me, I’d regret not going to at least pay my respects and say goodbye. And I do feel that your children need to go. Regardless of what kind of relationsiop they had with him, again, he is their father, and they may regret not going when they are older.

    You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Post # 54
    Member
    2790 posts
    Sugar bee

    Personally, I think you need to go and take your kids with. I think that no matter how much time your children spent with their father, they will always have unresolved issues about him. To say that “They don’t need any kind of closure, as he wasn’t a part of their lives for very long, and whatever memories they have of him are best left undisturbed” is saying that he doesn’t matter when we ALL know, no matter how little our parents were apart of our lives it always matters. They will one day ask more and more questions and eventually they will have to deal with why their biological father wasn’t around or why he “didn’t want them” because they WILL ask that question.Give them a chance to process this in their own way. I think that learning about death at any age is a good thing to learn.

    Also, I think that you not coming will seem almost a slap to some people. I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to pay your respects to him but I think you should pay respect to his family who was there for you and let them know that you can appreciate the grief that they are going through and you want to return that support.

    Post # 55
    Member
    13094 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Since his family has been so good to you and your children, I would go in support of them (if nothing else).

    Post # 57
    Member
    6244 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 1900

    Edit:  Thank goodness that part of your life is over.  Glad things worked out for you!

    Post # 58
    Member
    583 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    @mtbutterflyrose:  i wouldnt go. after what he put you through? theres no way id go. but thats just me i would explain to my kids what kind of person he was and why you made the decision you made but no . i wouldn’t go

    Post # 59
    Member
    1542 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Glad it worked out!

     

    Post # 60
    Member
    2819 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    If your kids don’t want to go, I wouldn’t take them. Not sure why so many people are saying to do so.

    As for you going, I don’t see it as necessary at all. But if you feel like you would regret not going, then maybe you should go.

    Post # 61
    Member
    323 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Its a really difficult situation. I am really sorry that you had to endure all of the pain that you did,and am glad that in the end you found happiness. I am sure you are a much stronger person for dealing with it throughout the years. 

    That being said, I feel that you should attend for the sake of his family; especially if they are still supportive in your life; you should return the favour. I agree with the other pp’s that this will bring closure to the past and shouldn’t open, but close and finalize old wounds. I feel that your children should have a choice in a ttendance, but that if they chose not to attend, fear that they may regret it when they are older. 

    You know what is best for yourself and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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