Post # 1
My oldest friend (and maid of honor) is getting married this summer and I don’t know if i should go to her wedding. When I was engaged, she was the first person other than my parents that I phoned and I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. Months later, during the reception, she was SO mopey. She wouldn’t talk to anyone or even dance with me. She later told me how guilty she felt for not being able to help more with the wedding planning etc (She lives on the other side of the country from me – where i am from – and had to travel.) I told her not to feel bad etc. and I understood and wasn’t upset.
Last winter she got engaged to her longtime Boyfriend or Best Friend and I found out via FACEBOOK along with the rest of the world. I was hurt. I tried calling her and she was too busy to talk and would call me in a couple days. Over the next few conversations she mentioned that she wasn’t sure if she was having bridesmaids or not. I left it at that. Months later I found out (not from her) that she has asked 2 girls to be her bridesmaids. I am hurt and embarrassed that she didn’t ask me. I find myself making excuses for her when people are surprised I’m not a bridesmaid. I know by having her as my Maid/Matron of Honor that does not guarantee me a space as a bridesmaid, but I at least thought it would warrant an explanation. I keep telling myself that she does not want me to feel the guilt that she did for being so far away and unable to help with planning, but she has avoided bringing up the topic when we do talk. I’m afraid to come out and ask her because in our friendship, she always wins those arguments, and refuses to be wrong.
Fast forward to current day. My employer has offered to pay for me to attend an intense accounting program. Basically, every Saturday of my summer would be spent in class. It’s an amazing opportunity, and I’m afraid it would reflect poorly on me if I was to decline. Attendance is MANDATORY. You have to have a Dr’s note with a legit illness to miss even one class, and they are unwilling to make an exception for vacation (ie. me traveling to go to her wedding.)
I am now faced with: Do I go to the wedding or not? If not, I will make the trip in December for Christmas (my family lives there). Could it mean the end of our “friendship” if I don’t go? I don’t want to appear childish for not going – because I’m not in the wedding party. But I feel terrible going all the same.
Post # 3
Hm.. SO, are you not wanting to go because of your feelings? Or because of the mandatory attendance at the work-related program? I though you could not go because of the program, then at the end you say, “but I feel terrible going all the same.” Why do you feel terrible? Because your friendship has become strained?
I am just trying to help you work it out. Be honest. And if you can’t go for work, then you can’t go. However, friendships take work (as you know!) and I think of them as (for the most part) un-conditional. It is natural to grow apart when you are long-distance, it is hard! I would not let your feelings affect whether or not you go- unless you really think it is worth giving up this friendship.
Post # 4
Ditto what cbee said. I think you should go unless the work program precludes you from going.
Post # 5
Shes your friend and your Maid/Matron of Honor. I would do whatever I could to be there regardless of you not being in her wedding party. I understand that it hurts to not be included but maybe she sees you drifting apart and decided not to put you in her wedding. I don’t think she owes you an explanation because it’s not going to make you feel better. If you can’t go because of work, I think that you need to bring it up as soon as possible. However, are you just using work as an excuse not to go? I think you really need to think about what her friendship means to you and how you both would feel if you did not attend.
Post # 6
I am sorry you are going through this. It can be hard to make life changing decisions. I was my bf’s Maid/Matron of Honor in 2003, and we have been bf for 20 yrs, and she but when I moved away almost two years ago it has gotten harder for us to find time to talk. She is always busy and when I call I get the same response, “I am busy call you back” and a week goes by then a month and still no word. Honestly, it has been this was since she got married. So when I got engaged I didn’t ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor I asked my youngest sister. I have 4 sisters and 2 nieces so they are my bridal party. Distance can be hard on all relationships not just bf/gf. I personally would ask her about it. Yes, it might start an argument, but if you are bf I feel she owes you an explanation. If my bf asks me I will tell her it is because she is never available and I know I won’t be able to count on her if I need her to do something. Plus I tried to ask and if I couldn’t even get 5 minutes to ask her then I know how the next 8 months will go. I had to reasons for asking her, one because she is my bf and two because I hated choosing between my sisters, but we all talked about it so I fell better.
Sorry to vent on your post I just wanted to share with you my story and how I went through a similar situation. Good luck on making the decision on whether or not to attend the wedding. I would talk it over with Darling Husband and ask his feelings about your job opportunity verses giving it up to go to her wedding.
Post # 7
If you don’t go will you regret it years from now?
Post # 8
I had a similar situation. i went to the wedding (the church bit) but not the reception, knew someone else getting married same day (not a close friend or anything) so went to that reception instead. She wasnt very happy but I felt ok that at least i showed up for the main bit.
Post # 9
Thank you for all of your responses! I’ve got a lot to think about. A couple people suggested that perhaps I am using work as an excuse not to go. Although, it would be a reason for me being unable to attend, I am not looking for an excuse. It’s purely coincidental. But, judging by your responses, I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t see it that way.
I know it’s hard for you to understand the complexity of our friendship. It definatley has changed over the years. We’ve had our ups and downs as most friendships have, and we’ve grown apart due to the distance and time difference.But what I’m feeling now has been a result of years of buildup. I have always been the loyal friend. I have been walked all over and tossed aside for someone new countless times, and yet I am always there when they return. I feel that I’m holding onto this friendship because of how long we have been friends, not because we are actually good friends anymore.
It’s a hard pill to swallow when you finally realise this. Clearly I have a lot to think about.
Thanks ladies! I appreciate all your feedback!
Post # 10
You should probably go if you two are close enough friends that you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If the friendship has deteriorated, however and neither of you have made much of an effort to keep the friendship going strong, I think you have some good excuses not to show up. I take it you’d have to travel for the wedding, and you also have this program that requires mandatory attendence. You may travel the whole way to her wedding, only to find her stand offish like she has been to you lately. This will definitely make you regret making the trip. I would honestly assess your friendship, is it worth it? Is it worth traveling, and missing a class, IF she were to just ignore you the whole time? It’s your call. Either way, definitely send a gift.
Post # 11
@ChefDori: This sounds pretty much like our situation. It feels like we’re both avoiding admitting our friendship has changed. She refuses to talk on the phone with me. She says because she teaches all day, she has no desire to talk on the phone, plus she’s 4 hours ahead of me. So, we email, but it’s hard to keep up with the day to day like it used to be, so we really only email once in a while with general updates.
I have tried bringing it up and it backfired miserably. For years she had made public appeals via facebook about everything from being lonely, friendless, unhappy and alone. I’ve always been hurt by this, because I have always been there for her. But she always wants someone else. SO, after seeing all kinds of wedding related posts and updates on her progess, I brought it up in an email. I said I was surprised that she hadn’t mentionned any of this in her emails, or that she had even found her dress! She fired back to “just let me enjoy being engaged”. I was so shocked and embarassed that she said that. That was the last thing I was expecting, because she didn’t seem to be having much fun at all.
I was trying to be supportive and let her know, despite the distance, that I was here for her and whatever she needed. I gave her space but let her know she had my support. She also told me she was most likely not going to have bridesmaids.
I know this probably makes me sound crazy, but I was trying so hard to delicatley balance by support as to not appear overly supportive and uninterested. Clearly it was an epic failure.
Post # 12
@billieUK: It’s an 8 hour flight away…
Post # 13
@erin_michelle: I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know that I personally had to just let our friendship fizzle away because I was tired of feeling the way she was making me feel. I think that her being a mom and wife along with working part time has just made her too busy for everyone else. Then you add the distance (me in OR and her in AZ) into the mix and it just got to be too much for her. It is sad, but I am not a priority in her life anymore so I am learning to move on. I will find a new bf one day, for now I am happy with it being my Fiance. Good luck sorting everything out. If you need to chat feel free to private message me anytime.
Post # 14
I might be the only one but I feel like taking that class for your job is more important. I think trying to do things to maintain/advance in your job is a higher priority than skipping that opportunity to go to a one day event. That’s just me though.
Post # 15
Don’t go !!!take the the accounting program is a great opportunity
Post # 16
I think she’s being pretty clear about her feelings for you tho in a pretty passive aggressive way. Tell her now, right away about the course. It will seem like bs a bit, but it’s clear that she doesn’t value the friendship. I live away from a lot of my friends but still make time for the ones who matter.