(Closed) Should I go to the visitation or the funeral?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?
    See her Saturday, that's enough : (13 votes)
    21 %
    Go to the visitation : (34 votes)
    54 %
    Go to the funeral : (16 votes)
    25 %
  • Post # 3
    5475 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    OMG that is just terrible 🙁  I have chills, I’m so sorry for their loss.

    I would go to the visitation to support your friend, or better yet, ask what she thinks.  She would know if the grieving couple are particularly private or not.

    Again, I’m so, so sorry for their loss.  How awful, I just can’t even imagine.

    Post # 4
    5371 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Ontario, Canada ♥ EDD- April 2016

    I think that I would just go to the visitation, unless she specifically asked me to go to the funeral as well.

    I’m so sorry for their loss, that’s so sad!

    Post # 5
    1814 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

    When my mom died and I planned her wake/funeral, there were people I had no idea who they were at both the visitation and funeral. I don’t think people mind when strangers show up, especially if they are supporting a different grieving family member. It might be a little different with infants, though, since there aren’t so many of the deceased’s coworkers/friends, it might be a more intimate affair.

    I would recommend visitation over funeral though. Visitation you get to walk around, talk to her, hug her, etc. At the funeral it will be mostly people just sitting listening to the sermon.

    Post # 6
    297 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @MsGinkgo:  I would just go to the visitation. This is tragic.

    Post # 7
    3572 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I would go to the visitation.  In my experiance, the funeral is a smaller group.  What a horrible, sad thing to deal with.

    Post # 8
    7211 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @MsGinkgo:  oh man. That is just heart breaking! 

    Go to whatever works best for you. Your presence will not be awkward. I think it’s really nice that you want to go for her. Everyone will be giving the parents and grandparents tons if support but I know if my nephew passed away I would be devistated and need support too. 

    Post # 10
    2780 posts
    Sugar bee

    @MsGinkgo:  When we had my brothers visitation and memorial I honestly did not even know half the people there. Most were older and friends of my parents who I’m assuming have never even met my brother. That said, it was really nice that there were so many people there, just showing support, even if I didn’t know them. 

    Post # 11
    957 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    I would go to the visitation. For the 7 family funerals I have attended, no one has ever questioned someone’s motives for visiting.

    Post # 12
    511 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I would go to the visitation.  Since you since have posted that you can’t attend the visitation, you should attend the funeral.  A friend showed up to my mom’s funeral and I did not know she was coming.  I only got to hug her and talk to her for a minute, but it meant so much to me that she came.  Your friend will appreciate that you are there to support her.

    Post # 13
    2517 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    My personal experience is that you go to both, the visitation and the funeral.  If you don’t know the deceased you’re going to support your friend.  Since you can’t go to the visitation, definitely attend the funeral (and wake if they’re having one – they may not.  Here, wakes are a huge party to celebrate the life.  When my cousin died at 17 there was no wake.  It was too tragic and sudden.  Her life has been celebrated since with a huge party, but it was so raw and devastating at the time of her death everything was a very, very somber affair.  I would think the death of an infant would be even worse.) 

    I have, unfortunately, lost a lot of people in my life.  And there is always someone who shows up unexpectedly at the funeral or visitation.  It’s never a burden or awkward and its always made me feel so loved and weirdly blessed.  Blessed in the sense that these people, who didn’t know my loved one, has taken the time to come to be there for me.  Let’s face it, no one really wants to go to a funeral or visitation.  I know there’s a million other places they’d rather be.  It’s always very touching.  And in a bunch of cases its the one thing that really stands out for me besides the grief, even years later.

    Post # 14
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Hi @MsGinkgo:  Just read your UPDATE, but still thought I comment

    As you know, I am a bit of an Etiquette Snob… lol, so here is my take.

    My Rule of Thumb that is you are in any way close to someone who is grieving… such as a Family Member or Friend (vs just an “acquaintance”) then you go to the Funeral as a sign of suppport / respect.

    So in this case where the deceased child is the nephew of your Maid/Matron of Honor (and we therefore know / assume she is a very near & dear friend) the right thing to do would be to attend the Funeral…

    IF for some reason you couldn’t get to the Funeral… then the correct thing to do is to go to the Visitation.

    And if neither of those is possible, then to as a bare minimum send a Card or some other message of Sympathy (ie a lot of Death Announcements now have a on-line Book of Condolences)

    In the case where you aren’t that close (ie that Aquaintance example I gave earlier… such as a Work Colleague) then the right thing to do is express your Sympathies in person “So sorry to hear about the passing of your Mother”.. or express them in writing (Card or On-Line)

    The rule of thumb is, the more you know someone the more need there is a bigger action…

    Spoken Words – Written Words – Attendance

    Hope this helps,


    Post # 15
    9954 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    NOTE – Re Both (Visitation & Funeral)

    Both is of course the ultimate expression of compassion… in many cases the Funeral Service itself is proceeded by a brief period of Visitation prior to the service.  So that, could count as “both” vs say going to an Evening Visitation, and then a Daytime Funeral a day or two afterwards.

    You would of course in most cases find out such details in the Obits column of the local Newspaper for where the death occured.


    Post # 16
    467 posts
    Helper bee

    @MsGinkgo:  My aunt had friends and co-workers no one else knew attend my grandfather’s funeral.  It wasn’t awkward at all.  I know it meant a lot to my aunt that they attended.  Because you can’t go to the visitation, I would just go to the funeral.  You can stay for the ceremony, stay as long as you are comfortable, and then say goodbye.  I think people appreciate the support.  

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