(Closed) should i have my BIL participate in the wedding party?

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: should my FBIL be in our wedding party?
    no way! not after what he did to you. : (11 votes)
    52 %
    sure, give him a chance. : (10 votes)
    48 %
  • Post # 3
    2204 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I realize that you had a lot of problems in the past, but espeically when it comes to family, reconciliation is the best way to go.  DOES he hate you, or DID he hate you? (i.e. has he gotten over it?)Maybe he was jealous of your relationship, your closeness with his brother, or he had other things going on his life. 

    I think you should discuss with your Future Brother-In-Law ways that he has hurt you, and clear the air before asking him to be involved.  You can’t move forward until the slate is clean.  Also, I don’t think you have to ask him to be a Groomsmen if you have the wedding party set, but you should definitely give him another chance, and try to find another way for him to be involved.
    Family is too important to be constantly at odds with him.  And I’m sure your fiance would really appreciate it.

    You fiance should be involved in the process with you, for sure.  It’s his brother.  But if his heart has changed and you’re willing to forgive the past, then I say move forward, including involved him in the wedding.  Make sure to communicate about the tension between you and FBIL first, and not just sweep it under the rug.

    Post # 4
    596 posts
    Busy bee

    I think this is really your FI’s call – which also means that he should be the one to deal with the consequences of not involving him and potentially ruining the relationship for good, or involving him and dealing with him possibly reverting back to his old antics and toxic personality.

    It is also important for you guys to determine why the sudden change of heart.  Was he forced to by the parents and actually still hates you or has he finally decided to be more mature about this whole thing?  Also, if you haven’t already, you should try to find out why he disliked you so much to begin with and if those reasons still exist in his head.

    Good luck!


    Post # 5
    5398 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I also agree…I think it’s your FIs call since it’s his brother.  Of course he should talk with you before he makes his decision, though.

    Post # 6
    398 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2009

    I had a similar situation with my own older brother.  We are 13 years apart in age.  He was around for my young childhood, but after he got married he disappeared.  I basically didn’t see him or speak to him for 13 years (or my parents), even though he had 2 beautiful girls.  Unfortunately it took a horrible divorce for him to come back into our lives which occurred just months before my wedding.  At first I was skeptic about having him in our wedding, he was never around for any of my other major life events, why should I involve him in the wedding, was what I thought. Then I realized this was an opportunity for reconcilation. 

    We didn’t make him a groomsmen, because my Darling Husband didn’t know him, just of him.  So we made him a participant in our wedding through seating guest, walking my mom down the aisle, bring up the offetory, etc.  He really enjoyed it, it didn’t take offense to not being a groomsmen.  Needless to say we have a much better relationship.

    While it is not your brother, this could very well be a reconciliation opportunity for the two of you, he is soon to be family after all.  It is however your FIs brother so as many have said before he is more than likely going to deal with thre reprocussions, but at the same time it you and your FIs wedding.  I think it should be a joint decision and something you should discuss, but just realize your decision now can (and likely will) affect all future relations with him.

    Good Luck!

    Post # 8
    7052 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I think sometimes that emotions run highest at weddings and funerals and they both bring out the best and worst in relatives.

    If you can muster it, let your Fiance decide but lean towards forgiveness and taking the higher ground.  This way, if fBIL acts out or is rude at the wedding, your H can handle him and deal with him.  That takes also the heat off of you and puts it where it belongs..on the Brother-In-Law.  

    Post # 9
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Why has he been so rude to you and treat you so disrespectfully? Maybe your Fiance had a talk with him and told him he needs to knock it off, and now he feels guilty about being so rude? That said, hopefully he has turned over a new leaf and realizes you will now be family, so he is going to accept it and be nice! I do wonder why the sudden change of heart, though. But, my Fiance had a friend who was kind of rude to me, and I mentioned it to my Fiance, who talked to the friend. Turns out he wasn’t intentionally being rude, he was just tired that I was around all the time! From then on, he always made a point to say hello. And I made a point of giving the guys some space

    Post # 11
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    I disagree with the whole premise of the question, because really, this isn’t your choice.  It’s your FI’s brother, and your FI’s side of the wedding party, so it’s entirely his choice on whether to include him or not.  Just stay out of it.

    Post # 12
    48 posts
    • Wedding: July 2009

    Yea it is your fiance’s call.  but remember, friends come and go but family will always be there… better not to burn bridges before he even becomes family.

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