(Closed) Should I have to pay my boyfriend rent??

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
1444 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Wow, what a terribe position he has put you in!  I’ve been unemployed for the last year and my Fiance (now husband) is very understanding; I’ve been paying what I can and he covers the rest.  We keep our money separate, but pay things according to our salaries, and right now he is making more than me.  I think you are smart to go back home to your family, as soon as possible.  I am sorry you are going through this.  *hugs*

Post # 4
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

How much is his mortgage? $600 sounds steep to me, but depending on where you live will factor in on that.

My fiance and I first moved in to an apartment and now we rent a house. We more or less split everything initially. There were times when I wasn’t making very much so he payed for any extra things like the movies or going out for dinner and drinks. Now, we each put half of each paycheck into our joint checking and pay all living related expenses out of there. He still makes a little more, but once the money is in that account it becomes our money, not his money and then my money. Even out of our personal checkings, we still will pick up extra things when necessary. We’re building a life together and it becomes so petty when you keep track of who pays what too seriously, in my opinion.

Post # 5
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Michellelilly:  my Fiance and I have lived together since 6 months into our relationship and he would have never treated me like that. I am not his room mate and that is how your SO is treating you. Yes I pay my share of rent and utilities, but he makes considerably more than me so he covers most of it. When he graduated and couldn’t find work I paid for everything and didn’t complain because we are a team. It doesn’t seem like your SO is treating you two as a unit. Is that how the finances would be once your married? I couldn’t be in a relationship where everything is so split and permanent, like if I lost my job I know that my fiance and I would make the money work together as a unit, not me floundering along by myself.

 

so to answer, yes I think you paying rent is acceptable but I think he should before forgiving considering your situation. Does your SO have the money to cover rent for now?

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Michellelilly:  have you told him what you told us? I get him wanting you to contribute, but if he can do it himself for a month or two to buy you some time that seems like what a normal SO would do.

idk you should think about moving out when you are on your feet.

Post # 7
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Michellelilly:  this sounds really difficult! I’m sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, this is why i think that living together before marriage isn’t a good idea… It just complicates everything and makes if difficult to sort out. Reading your post it definitely doesn’t sound like he is “the one” as you don’t really think so yourself. In that case I don’t think you should be living with him because, as you’ve noticed, it puts all sorts of weird pressures onto if/what you should be paying and such. I think you move home, don’t live together, and don’t pay him rent.

Post # 8
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

He is treating you like a roommate not his girlfriend! If money is that tight why not let a friend move in and rent a room instead of charing you?

If I were in your shoes I would have a serious talk with him, and if it got no where I would move back home with my family.

Post # 9
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would move home with family and get back on my feet.Doesn’t sound like he is very supportive and he probably won’t make a good husband.Trust your instincts.

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Michellelilly:  no wonder you’re upset 🙁 it doesn’t sound like he’s doing the right thing at all. on the basic level of things, you are paying part of a mortgage for a house that, right now, belongs to him. surely he cannot expect that of you, especially when you are in such a difficult situation? i really feel bad for you.

Post # 11
Member
2550 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I am sorry you are going through this! My SO & I have been living together for almost 5 years now & we’ve never split things down the middle. We both had spoken about & knew we’d be getting married one day down the line when finances were settled & goals were met so we considered my money & his money just our money. Most of my paycheck goes straight to bills (both mine & his) and pays pretty much everything except his student loan & the rent. Then he pays the rent & his student loan & whatever else we need $$ for- groceries, events, eating out. He makes more than me but is self-employed so it’s hit and miss sometimes wheres I work a 9-5 that’s pretty steady. So technically I’ve never paid for rent, but at the same time he’s never paid for our water/electricity/car/phones… It really just seems petty to me to keep up with all that tit for tat… 

I almost wonder if this is his response to you cooling off the proposal and is wanting to make sure you are still serious? I find it very weird that any caring SO getting ready to propose would not be supportive of their soon to be wife being out of a job & struggling…. 

Post # 12
Member
688 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

It sounds like he just wants someone there to help pay his bills…I say move back home and find someone who appreciates you and doesn’t mind helping cover your share every now and then.

Post # 13
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I agree with what people are saying. It’s ridiculous if you both have been together that long for him to turn around and demand everything upfront like that. Especially since you were so understanding when he was having more problems financially. 

When my fiance wasn’t working (for immigration reasons), I paid the rent and most of the bills.

Now that I’m not working (for immigration reasons), he pays the rent and most of the bills. 

We both had several months living expenses saved up in accessible accounts but he only touched it for expenses that were exclusively his and I only touch mine for expenses that are exclusively mine. 

What I don’t get… he bought a car for you and then decided he wanted to buy a boat so he decided he was going to take the gift back? Seems like he isn’t taking your needs into account with his life choices. 

Post # 14
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@Michellelilly:  man, that sucks. While I agree that it’s fair to contribute equally as much as you can, but during tough times, you should be able to help each other out. This speaks volumes about his personality trying to nickel and dime.

are you sure he is the right guy for you? 

Post # 15
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

In short: paying rent is reasonable, because you live there half of the time, but I would expect him to be more understanding.

Household expenses: I think you should make a list of all of your household expenses and discuss dividing them.  (I’m not sure why you picked up paying groceries when you weren’t eating them so much, as opposed to other expenses.)  List every single expense and decide if it’s a homeowner, yours, his or shared expense and together work out how you’ll both contribute.  He owns the house, so it makes sense that you do not pay 50% to build his equity in a home, but you are getting value/causing expenses.  So work it out.  Talk about whether it’ll be 50/50 or something else, say 30/70 until you are paid, or based off your take home pay etc.  Will it be the fair market value if you were a roommate?  Or will it be half of the interest/taxes/upkeep on the house (excluding mortgage)?  Or will it be a percentage of all expenses, including mortgage? 

Unexpected expenses: Again, I think you need to communicate.  Share that you were surprised he spent the money on building a fence if that was the case.  Discuss whether it’s appropriate to have it be entirely paid for by you because it’s your dog, by him because it’s his house & value added, or 50/50.  For what it’s worth…something in the middle makes sense to me. 

The $2000: I don’t know what to say other than that the holiday money ought to go to the house/rent/car payment etc.  I’m a bit flabbergasted by this.  Particularly when it was a loan not a gift, and you needed the money back.

Car: I strongly urge you to sell the car and buy something else you can afford without such a large payment.  Perhaps buy a cheap beater for a few thousand.  I think he ought to take the loss, because he wanted the boat, but you did agree to take it over, however foolishly, thus you will likely need to compromise on this one.

Househould work: In order not to get resentful, I think you need to talk about this too.  Say that you thought your sweat equity was part of your household contribution and ask whether he agrees.  If he doesn’t agree (which he might not – he might think that 1) you are already getting a break on household expenses, 2) he contributes more to the household than you think, or 3) he would like to cut you more of a break but needs the financial support to make the household go), then discuss dividing up household chores more equitably.

Browbeating: I, like you, find this very concerning.  Talk to him, talk to a counselor, but get this worked out.  He should be emotionally supportive at the very least (although I understand not wanting to support you entirely, it’s a tricky issue).  My now Darling Husband told me when I lost my job that he’d cover all expenses if need be (it wasn’t).

Sounds like know this already, but don’t get married while you are uncertain! 

Post # 16
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Michellelilly:  Sorry you have to deal with this.  Try talking to him, and if that doesn’t change his standing on this.  Then I say move back with your family.  I don’t see where he is leaving you another option.

 

Marriage is about give and take.  If he can’t give now, and thinks you are taking…..what will it be like when you are married?  I live with my SO and we share the burden.  Sometimes he contributes more, other times I contribute more.  And until real recently he has been doing it ALL.  But we never, ever keep score.  We do have disagreements about money.  But not one time has he told me that I will pay X amount every week or whatever.  He just accepts whatever it is that I have to contribute.  

 

Good luck!!  

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