(Closed) Should I hold my ground or… what is normal to you?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

Don’t communicate to him at all and you may lose him.  I’m not saying either of you are right or wrong, just don’t do anything you’ll regret later.  If you want to keep him, you really should communicate with him, even if you are just telling him why you’re upset with him.

Post # 4
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

This is all over the place so I had trouble keeping up with the details.  So when he gets stressed with your relationship he bails and then blames you for pressuring him?  And when he gets stressed at work he bails on your relationship too? I wouldn’t put up with this anymore.  He has no respect for you or your relationship.  Dump him and find a guy who doesn’t think your relationship is so complicated that he has to bail every time he gets nervous.

Post # 5
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t really understand your post, I’m sorry.. And I don’t know what the “B word” is? 

I’d basically just meet with him and discuss what you are both looking for. 

I don’t understand the not making love thing?

Post # 7
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so confused by your story.  Maybe edit and repost in chronological fashion?

ETA: In my experience “punishing” someone by refusing to talk to them about the issue rarely helps matters. 

Post # 8
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Yeah, I can’t make any sense of this.

Just be honest with him and figure out how you both feel. Communication is key.

Post # 9
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@haru:  I definitely don’t think giving him the silent treatment is the right thing to do, especially when he has reached out and apologized. I think that he has a lot going on right now, and if you’re constantly bringing up marriage, it’s going to stress him out and make your relationship only about that. Drop the marriage talk for awhile and let it go. He will get there when he gets there and when the time is right, and pressuring him will only put it off. Live in your relationship in the now and just enjoy each other. He sounds overwhelmed. 

Post # 10
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Yeah I do not understand this post at all. Edit for clarity, please. 

I will echo what others have said. Just talk to him and hash things out. 

Post # 11
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@haru:  I think you’re both in the wrong.

You seem to be constantly bringing up marriage and it is stressing him out. I can see talking to him and getting a timeline but if you are always bringing up marriage it’s goign to make the guy wonder if you only want to get married and have a wedding.

He’s in the wrong for bringing up breaking up as just a threat. I believe that the only time that “Break up” should be tossed around is if you are honestly going to follow through. If you use it as a means to control the other person or threaten them into behaving in a certain way then that’s not good.

Honestly, if you talk you need to get a solid timeline for engagement from him for your sake and then promise to stop talking about it. If on the other hand you think that the only way that he’ll propose is if you needle him enough then honestly you should just break up.

Post # 12
Member
2598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@haru:  I’m not a big fan of the silent treatment as punishment. 

If you’re angry about his reaction and what he called you and you feel it crossed a line, tell him that.  If you feel he misunderstood your intentions, tell him that.  But refusing to answer him when he’s reached out to you twice isn’t productive or “standing your ground.”  Its just trying to punish him.  It sounds like your relationship is in a bit of an uncertain place right now so playing games isn’t going to improve the situation.

It also sounds like you need to back off the future and marriage talk for now. You’re not on the same page and pushing won’t get you there.  If you can’t stand not knowing or need an answer now, then you’ll probably have to end your relationship.   Is that what you want?

Post # 13
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Maybe he feels pressured. Marriage is such a huge decision that no one should have to feel pressured into proposing. You should have an internal timeline when you will no longer be willing to wait. After that time elapses, you should leave. But, I have seen what pressure marriages look like and it ain’t pretty.

Post # 14
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Yeah, your post is really confusing. HOWEVER

1. Anyone who threatens to break up with you when they get mad is not really someone you want to be with. Your instinct that this is unacceptable behavior is correct.

2. “Punishing” you partner by not speaking to them is really immature. As immature as threatening to break up with them.

 

I don’t know how old you are or how long your relationship has been, but my two cents is that if you guys want to sustain it, you REALLY need to learn how to communicate in healthy ways. Couples counseling, relationship books, etc can help with that.

Post # 16
Member
522 posts
Busy bee

@haru:  He has mentioned breakups more than once?

He shuts down and gets angry and stops you from saying anything more when you mention marriage?

Ugh, honestly, it sounds from that that he uses breakups as a way to make you concede and go along with his wishes. Basically, he’s in a power position, letting you know that he can take away the thing that you want (your relationship) unless you do as he wants (presumably shut up and do whatever he wants you to do).

Honestly, if he truly is mentioning breakups that often I’d strongly strongly advise you to either walk away or to make it clear that he is no longer allowed to throw that around as a threat!

Maybe that’s not how he views it but I cannot fathom a rationale for bringing up break ups in that way unless it’s to coerce your partner.

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