(Closed) Should I invite an old friend?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It really sounds like you don’t want to have her there. Also, if she would be miserable at the wedding, it’s likely that her feelings wouldn’t be hurt if you didn’t invite her.

I say flip a coin and then pay attention to your gut reaction. If it lands on ‘invite her’ and you feel a stab of anxiety or disappointment, you know what you really want to do.

Post # 5
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think you should invite her, especially if it means cutting somebody that you know better/are closer to.  With weddings, there are always hurt feelings but you shouldn’t have anxiety…you’re the bride!

Post # 6
2631 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@Mrs. Cooper:  I’m just wondering, is there any possibility something could have happened that day that you didn’t know about that could have explained her actions?  Some people don’t hide their feelings so well.  Maybe she had a big fight with her husband.  Unless she constantly acts miserable in social settings, I would be a little bit more hesitant in judging her actions by that one day.

Post # 7
8351 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I think that if you want to rekindle your friendship with her, you should invite her. If not, then you need to break all ties with her. She might just be miserable because she needs a friend to talk to about something going on in her life that you are not aware of. If it were me, even though she has been miserable in the past, I would still invite her. It is highly possible that some of the people on your current guest list will RSVP no, so you would have the room for her without cutting anyone else. Even though you are having these thoughts, I still think you would like to be friends with her because of your past, so I would give her another chance.

Post # 8
3216 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Use the “it’s a smaller wedding we’re only inviting some very close people!” excuse.  It’s your wedding, I think you should invite whoever you want who will make you happy. Anyone else can get cut! She’ll get over it or you’ll just go back to not talking like you have been!

Post # 9
3313 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

If you have people that you *want* at your wedding that you would have to cut in order to invite her, I’d not invite her.  If she says anything, you can just tell her that you would have loved to have had her there, but unfortunately you couldn’t invite everyone that you would have liked to because of budget or space.

Post # 10
10 posts
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are definitely not being a jerk!  This type of situation is really difficult.  I’m going through something quite similar with an old friend from university.  Ultimately, I looked at it like this – you rarely seem to be in communication with this person now, and you said that you probably wouldn’t be in touch with her at all after your wedding, so if you don’t invite her and she gets upset and doesn’t speak with you again, then things aren’t really going to be that different, right?

If you had said that inviting her to the wedding would probably mean the start of a lifelong friendship again, then I would say go for it and invite her.  But, if there is ANY possibility whatsoever of you feeling uncomfortable, etc. on your wedding day, then I’d say don’t invite her.  Besides, if in 25 years’ time you look at your photos and think “geez, I haven’t talked to that person since my wedding”, then there is really no love lost.

As much as I hate when people say it to me (ha ha), it really is YOUR wedding day and you should only invite people that are special to you.  πŸ™‚  Good luck! 

Post # 11
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Having gone through this process (guest list woes) and now on the other side (6 months out), I still think about people that were on the ‘should we invite list’.  I ended up NOT inviting those people, but in retrospect REALLY wish I did.  I ultimately didn’t invite them (justifying that we didn’t want to go over ‘x’ guests) and when we some unexpected ‘no’ responses, I really really wished I sent them an invite.

It sounds like this friend in particular is not one you will ever be close with, but you’ll probably keep in touch over the years for major life events (baby showers, christmas cards, maybe milestone b’day’s, etc.).  

While I can understand how inviting someone you saw not being a ‘fun’ wedding guest isn’t really appealing, unless you are having a very small wedding, you won’t really be paying attention to what your friend is doing – and, even if you do, it will be for a couple seconds and you’ll move on to your other guests and/or hubby!

In a nutshell:  I’d err on the side of inviting them vs. not inviting them – whereas, pre-wedding, I probably would have said cut them out.

Post # 12
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Mrs. Cooper:  If you do not want to invite her, then don’t.  As for hurt feelings, it’s impossible to say.  

My Fiance and I are not having a “small” wedding (unless you call 200-some people on the guest list small), but there ARE some who we are not inviting.  People we BOTH know.  They are on our friends’ list (one is on both our friends lists on FB) and he isn’t being invited.  I’m sure there will be some whining about “why wasn’t I invited” to my Fiance and his friends, but…. it’s OUR wedding, not his.  

Invite who you want, since it’s YOUR party, not theirs.  There is no law stating you have to invite certain people.  

good luck!  hope it all works out for you πŸ™‚

Post # 13
41 posts
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think you should just invite her because chances are there are some no-shows and people who won’t come.  Maybe she won’t come too!  You never know.

Post # 15
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Chances are you will be so overjoyed and will be having so much fun at your wedding that one sourpuss won’t ruin your day.

Post # 16
3 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

View original reply
@Mrs. Cooper:

I know that you have likely already made your list and sent out your invitation, but I’m replying for the sake of those that may be reading this later and are having the same dilemma.  πŸ™‚

Here is my situation in your “friend’s” shoes:

I have a friend that is getting married soon.  I introduced her to her fiance last year, just before I moved overseas (unexpected move).  This friend of mine and I had been friends for nearly a decade (and best friends – she was my go-to girl in a crisis and I was hers).  She was the best friend a girl could ever ask for!

Well, many people think that my fiance here in Europe is not “good enough” for me.  They don’t understand what I find attractive about my new partner and while no one has ever been so good to me, they are focused on looks rather than our compatibility and how how healthy our relationship is.  I respect that they only want what’s best for me, but who I marry is my business.  πŸ™‚

I suspect that this friend of mine doesn’t like my fiance with tats and dreads and that’s why I wasn’t invited.  Or, it could be that when I was last in town visiting, I was too tired to get together for dinner and she felt that I didn’t value our friendship.  Or, maybe she’s caught up in a new relationship and getting a marriage pulled off in just six months.  Who knows.

My point is:  COMMUNICATE.  To eliminate hurt feelings, communicate with this person that you don’t want to invite.  I didn’t get an invitation to my friend’s wedding and all I can do is speculate as to why the woman that once insisted that if she ever married, I would be maid of honor, has now decided not to even send me an invitation, despite the fact that not only were we best friends, but I introduced her to future husband.

If she had been honest and said, “I feel like you don’t value our friendship as much as you once did.  Am I right?”  Or, “I think that since you’ve moved overseas, your life has become too complicated to deal with my last minute wedding.  Is that true?”  Or, “I think your fiance wouldn’t fit in at our wedding.  Would you be offended if I invited you and not your fiance?”  then maybe I would be annoyed in the moment, but we could clear it up and it would be solved LONG before the wedding day.

As it stands now, I feel like I can’t trust the person that I’ve known for 10 years.  I can’t trust her to communicate with me honestly and she hurt me terribly by asking for my address to send an invitation just to tell me later that she “only sent invitations to guests that had confirmed they would be there”.

She’s not telling me why she really didn’t send an invitation.  I came into some cash a couple of months ago and when I didn’t get the invitation, I decided to spend the money on a gym membership rather than her wedding.  It is possible that even if you think they won’t come, something may happen last minute that changes their financial situation.  If you don’t want them to come and you don’t want drama later, I would suggest that you be honest from the beginning and while it may create drama for that moment, at least you’ll be nipping it in the bud and you won’t regret it for years to come. 

My “friend” is already back-pedaling and at this point, I don’t care what her reason is for not wanting me to be there.  I’m not interested in being a friend to someone that was maid of honor at my wedding (I’m still great friends with my former husband and still consider it to have been one of the biggest, best days of my life).  I flew this “friend” to my wedding because I couldn’t imagine my big day without her being in it and then I certainly didn’t expect for her to foot the bill for me to be at her wedding, but I didn’t even get the courtesy of an invitation to her wedding…  Wow…talk about an eye-opener about our “friendship”.

Maybe she got what she wanted.  Not having to deal with a friend that has a weird looking fiance.  But if that’s not the outcome that someone is hoping for, I’d suggest talking to the person about why you don’t want them to be there.  Hope this helps someone.  πŸ™‚

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