Post # 1
A few months ago, I posted about my mother’s estrangement with her own mother. They have not spoken in over 10 years..You can read about it here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-mom-hates-me-and-hasnt-spoken-to-her-own-mother-in-10-yrs-help#axzz2Uu0Uquq3
Anyway, my wedding invitations are in, and I have to make the ultimate decision: DO I INVITE MY GRANDMOTHER TO THE WEDDING?
My mother has told me she will not come if I do, but I think she’d come anyway and make drama with her own mother on my big day. I don’t want to be worried about any drama that day- neither of them acts very mature and neither is willing to give in and be civil to one another or even agree to try and make amends. Anyway, I dont want to be worried about the drama but I also want both my mom and grandma to be there.
Thoughts? An outside perspective is appreciated!
Post # 3
Please explain WHY or WHY NOT when you vote on the poll! I am really struggling with this decision, as I don’t want to alienate either of them and my decision will alienate one of them, either way.
Post # 4
Invite both. Ask that they behave themselves for your sake.
Post # 5
It’s your day. I say invite her if that is what you want.
Post # 6
I said no. I think your mothers comfort/happiness is more important than your grandmothers. Unless you are closer with your grandmother than your mother. Inviting them both after she asked you not to and said she wouldn’t come…. Not a great idea.
Post # 8
I probably should clarify– my mother is vindictive and vengeful. If my grandmother comes, she will find a way to make my day MISERABLE for me, probably will refuse to talk to me, wont help me get ready, will make rude comments etc. IF she decides to come. She would NOT behave simply because I ask her too.
Heck, she sees the day as all about HER and HER preferences. She dislikes my dad (her ex) and my future in laws and has distanced herself from them and constantly runs them own anyway. She picked out the table SHE likes at the reception hall -front and center of course- for her and her new bf. Instead of worry about my dress at all, she has constantly focused on her mother of the bride dress since I got engaged. She picked the color she wanted, which is fine, but she’s even mentioned getting a similar STYLE dress to MINE. She didnt want to help me with my make up, which I requested, because it will cut into her getting ready time. She refuses to take any pictures with my father in them, so I cant get a picture with both of my parents. AND now, she wants her new bf to propose the same WEEK as my wedding, which does happen to be her bday week, but still. She’s known him less than 6 months and is making this all about HER per usual.
She would not take it kindly if my g-ma gets an invite..and because she is contributing a small fraction of $ to the wedding (my dad is mostly footing the bill), I think she’ll try to leverage that as to why my g-ma can’t come.
My g-ma is kind of a loner and wont really know anyone, besides her son, who would come with her. (This is my mom’s brother, who she does not speak to either.)
I know my dad would talk to her, and in fact, my dad encourages me to invite her, but I am not sure I am prepared to worry about or face a showdown with my mom on my wedding day. She’s always had a way of manipulating me or making me feel terrible and cry, and that’s the last thing I want at my wedding. Or she’d storm off and leave or something the second she saw her mom in the audience 🙁
Post # 9
Definitely invite both.
I had a difficult decision to make with my sister and my niece and nephew. (My niece is 30 and nephew is 26).
I invited my sister, her boyfriend and my niece. I did not invite my nephew (he lives with my sister). I thought this would be an issue for my sister. But it turned out great because she is excited about having alone time in her hotel room with her boyfriend.
I did not invite my nephew because
1) convicted of molesting a child at age 16. (my fiance’s nephews are in the wedding party and they are 7 and 10)
2) he is emotionally draining to EVERYONE.
3) he is emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive to my sister and niece.
4) becomes violent.
Usually once you make a decision people will understand WHY you are doing it.
Post # 10
Ugh that’s so frustrating! If it was possible I would say invite grandmother and not mom! I’m sorry this really is a tough one.
Post # 11
@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug: Oh dear, that sounds terrible. I honestly feel for you. I pretty much won’t be having any of my own family (besides my sister, her hubby & child and one Aunt) at our wedding for similar reasons. They all fight, make it their personal mission to make everyone else as miserable as they are. My parents are the worst – if they even suspectthat’s someone may be having a better time, experiencing some sort of amazing life event which is happy then they have to somehow sabotage it and turn the focus to themselves. They live 5 hours away and didn’t even come to see our daughter when she was born because we had had an argument 4 months earlier over them smoking in my house! Pathetic!
Anyway (sorry – got a bit side tracked!) point is, they are mean and pick fights (as do my dads parents & brother) so – none of them are invited. I just can’t be bothered & quite frankly I have no interest in subjecting the other guests to their behavior. I don’t want to feel uncomfortable on my day and I dont want anyone else who is attending to either. It was abig call but i made it. Of course it’s harder for you as your mother is contributing.
Whatever you do it will be difficult 🙁 I’m do sorry that you have to worry about this during such a happy point in your life.
Post # 12
I wouldn’t invite either one.
Really though, invite who YOU want to invite and if they both show up, ask a family member or understanding person who is aware of the situation to run interference. This is what we’ll have to do with my vindictive, spiteful mother as well :-/
Post # 13
That’s a horiffic situation to be in. I feel like your options are:
1) Pick the one you see more often and only invite that one.
2) Pick the one you like more and only invite that one.
3) Invite them both and hope to god your mom stays true to her word at doesn’t show (sounds unlikely from what you’ve said!).
4) Invite them both, they both come, see if you can get someone to keep them away from each other at all times so you don’t have to see/deal with anything.
5) Invite them both, they both come, all hell breaks loose & you’re unhappy.
Tbh, I feel like for your own sanity on the day maybe one of the first two options will cause the least emotional fallout for you on the day.
Post # 14
I know there will be a lot of people who say “it’s your wedding, invite who you want!”
And while I can agree with that sentiment to a certain point, ultimately you are going to have to live with the scene that ensues if you decide to invite both of them. Is this fair? Certainly not. But, unfortunately, we can’t control other people no matter how rude their actions can be.
Is it worth it to you to have your grandma there if a huge scene will likely occur if you do?
Post # 15
Jeez, when you describe your mother like that I wouldn’t send an invite to your mom!
Can you speak with your grandmother about this? Maybe she and your mother can come to an agreement to act like adults for just one day. But I don’t think you should broker that – I don’t even think you should attempt to.
It is what it is. Unfortunately.
I think after you get married, you should begin distancing yourself from your mom. If she’s a person who intentionally makes you cry, that’s too much of a toxic influence in your life (and your marriage). I don’t think you need that.
By the way, if you think mom is going to cause drama on your big day, “assign” someone to her (someone who can keep her level and calm) for the day to make sure she stays in line… and to make sure she keeps away from you if she starts something!
Post # 16
Invite who you want. Sit down again with your mom and emphasize the fact that this is your wedding, and you deserve one day of a little cooporation. Do the same with your grandmother.