(Closed) Should I invite in laws who hate me?

posted 11 years ago in Family
Post # 3
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would invite them. I know it’s a tough situation but you don’t want to start your marraige off by x-ing his family. The good, bad and ugly, it’s who the are and they are a part of him. You are marrying into his family not only to him. You have to accept them for who they are whether you like it or not. You as a couple can decide to ignore it when problems arise. but a marraige is the coming together of two families.

Your FH knows your concerns, but why not show him how much you love him by being the better person and just dealing with it, all of the nonsense and bickering. Who know’s maybe they won’t even show. But you won’t be the one hurting your FH, they will.

Post # 4
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Eek…that sucks…I think its actually your husband’s decision to make. I would invite them unless he says not to. 

Post # 6
1 posts
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m definitely in your same shoes, but not to that extreme. My father’s side of the family is ridiculous and malicious. I honestly despise having to spend any time with them because of the pure negativity with that family.

How I am handling my father’s side is that I am inviting only those who I would have to invite, e.g. my grandparents, aunts and uncles (that’s it)–no children. The no children helps those who really don’t want to go because they would have to pay for childcare on top of a wedding gift and travel costs. (It weeds out who really wants to attend.) What I realized is that although they can be terrible people around each other, they tend to be more aware of those around them because they want to ensure that other think very well of them. (Otherwise, they would embarass themselves. I’m not sure if this is the same situation for you tho!)

Moreover, I have a day of coordinator who understands all this going on and will have no problem handling the issues in an appropriate manner; that way, you have no concerns of what is going on between them, but focusing and enjoying the special day with your new husband and you.

I’ll definitely be praying for you! I think this will actually be a taste of whether or not you want to continue the relationship for the new family that you’ll be starting. (I know that once I get married, I will find no reason to communicate with them.)

Lastly, one thing I realized in my engagement class is when you get married, you define the boundries of the relationship of your new family–you and your husband–and what you find appropriate within those boundries. E.g. if grandma criticizes and belittles you, there is no reason to continue that relationship if she refuses to change. You control the boundaries in which you and your husband live by and what type of life you want, who you want to share it with, and what your future will look like. (So even if you do invite them and they act poorly, you have tried to extend a friendly hand out.)

*Also, I understand that your husband would really want them there, but begging them will only make it worse because they just want to toy with him. (If it was me, I would just send the invites, don’t say anything unless you don’t hear from them and see what happens; you might be surprised.) **If you ended up not recieving an RSVP, having one person in your wedding party contact them for an RSVP, so there is a neutral line between them and attending the wedding.

I hope this helps!

God Bless!

Post # 7
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Its up to your Fiance 100%, its his family and his wedding day too.

Post # 8
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

 Did we marry into the same family???

 My husbands family sounds EXACTLY like your husbands. They hate me, I hate them. They hate themselves. Bitter, bitter nasty people. They told my husband they would come, then they told him they wouldn’t. We still (very reluctantly) sent invitations out. They told everyone they weren’t invited and never recieved an invite. (ummm then PLEASE send the money back that it cost me to send your entire freakin family the invitations that you all “never” got!)

 Day of wedding we left the front pew open for his parents and they never showed. Luckily, our awesome friends and church family filled my husbands side of the church so it didn’t look so awkward when my side of the church was packed. But the icing on the cake is that his family attends the same church and there was a youth group thing going on the morning of our wedding and his parents volunteered to be there to help out. So his own mom and dad AND brother and two sisters were AT the church the day of the wedding! Everyone saw them and they just acted like we owed THEM something. Ohhh I was LIVID!

 Okay, I really didn’t mean to make this about my situation BUT the moral of my story is you just might have to invite them and hope they don’t come. Believe me, it’s stressful. Just remember that there is nothing that they can do to ever break up your marriage and that right there is worth every ounce of them trying to get between you and your big day. Good luck!!!! (you’ll need it!)

Post # 9
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@samora:Invite them and hope they don’t show up.

Post # 10
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I think its really up to your Fiance. Its his family, and I know you want to save him from getting hurt, but if there’s any chance that he’ll regret not inviting them in the future or not inviting them will cause even more drama, I think it would be best to invite them. And as the PP stated, it will be up to them to decide if they come.

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