Post # 1
Ok so a little history on me, I lived with my biological mother for 2 years only, & that was 12 years ago & I’ve never called her my mom. So my bio-mother has gotten in contact with me in recent years. She calls me every major holiday & my bday, that’s the only contact I have with her.
… so now I’m engaged & I kinda want to tell my bio-mother I’m engaged because she WILL find out somehow, especially since I’m from a small town. But I do NOT want her coming to my wedding. I know I don’t have to invite her, but if I tell her I’m engaged, I’m afraid she’ll expect to be invited & idk maybe even assume she’s invited & just show up? I don’t know if I can tell her I don’t want her there. I imagine that if my bio-mother was at my wedding, my joy would be sucked out & I’d just feel awkward seeing her… yet at the same time I want her to know I’m engaged so she’s not hurt when she eventually finds out.
There’s no major holidays between now & the end of May so I could just “forget” to tell her & by the next holiday, my wedding would be done! OR I could email her telling her? thou, she’d probly just call me after getting my email.
I don’t want to be rude, but I also don’t want to be in a situation where I say “umm… you’re not invited”. I just really am not sure what to do so at this point any advice is helpful :). What would you do?
Post # 3
Yikes, that’s tricky…I think that if you tell her you are engaged she probably will expect an invite. I might just wait until after you’re married and tell her and “forget” that you didn’t tell her you were engaged.
Post # 4
Are you 10000% sure you won’t want her there? I mean, it sounds like part of you wants her to share your excitement, or be proud of you/happy for you. If you’re sure, you really need to wait. Telling her is just like inviting her to the wedding.
However, either way, be prepared for her to be hurt over not being there. Regardless of whether you’re close or not, she is your bio-mom and she probably feels something about your wedding and your life… so yeah. Good luck and best wishes!
Post # 5
ughz.. what a hard situation. It seems to me that, if you mention it to her she would assume she’s going to be invited since after all.. she is your mom and it’s her daughters wedding, even though you aren’t close at all. If you do mention it to her before you get married maybe you can add something in like it will be a very small wedding and you won’t be able to invited a lot of people? I don’t know.. this is a really difficult situation.
If you’re bothered by the fact that she could find out before you tell her, you definitely should tell her. And if she assumes she’s invited, maybe you should just be honest? I think either way is going to be hard. :0/ hope it works out
Post # 6
Have you considered sending wedding Announcements (or, uh, ONE wedding announcement – to her) after the wedding? It’s written, formal, and happens after the wedding. Usually people send them if they elope or something, to let people know that they’re married. You could whip one up, print it on some nice card stock, hand address it, drop it in the mail. Done deal.
Post # 7
- Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna
I would be honest and up front with her. It would hurt more to find out later (or from someones else) than to hear the truth straight from you. To me it would feel kind of like being lied to.
Post # 8
I’m interested in why you wouldn’t want to invite her?
Post # 9
That is a hard decision. I don’t really see how you could tell her that you’re engaged without her expecting an invite. It seems like she would understand since yall dont really have much of a relationship. I never had a relationship with my biological dad. The last time i saw him was when i was a baby and he died a few years ago. That’s when his family decided to try and contact me. Your situation is a little different since you talk every once in a while but i know how you feel. I am not inviting his family and have not told them im engaged. It really is a hard decision and you have to do what’s best for you. I think the announcement is a good idea. But it really is hard to find a way that is the “easiest.”
Post # 10
My father and I are not close and talk only 2 or 3 times a year and even those conversations usually end badly. I chose not to tell him but he found out anyways (thru facebook apparently) and it was not a pretty site. Because he hadn’t been told he just assumed he wasn’t invited and confronted me about not being told and about not being invited all in the same conversation. Overall for me it was okay because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about inviting him and that conversation made it clear that it wouldn’t be okay for him to be there, but thats just my situation. I’d say if you don’t tell her and she finds out otherwise be prepared for the consequences because in my opinion it was worse than if I would have just stepped up and said hey thought you’d wanna know..
Post # 11
@kjpugs & a few others :)… ok so a complicated story, but here it goes: I know for sure I don’t want bio-mother to be there. She was really only in my life about 2 years & that was when I was 13/14. I know noone wants me to regret her not being there, so thank you for the concern, I can see if I had a real relationship with her how I’d regret it. Sadly, I’d really regret her being there… the idea of her being there makes me not want to go to my own wedding.
Towards the end of high school my boss became like a mom to me, we’ll call her Molly to help avoid confusion :). Molly soon became my unofficial foster mom & now I call Molly my mom… well she IS my mom. Maybe not biologically, but in every single other way. I spend every holiday with Molly, Mother’s day included & I talk to her often & about life & visit with her every few weeks so she’s been my mom for the past ohh… 12 years of my life. Molly’s also gonna walk me down the isle on my wedding since dad isn’t in the picture. I want her to be my mom in my wedding, well cause she is mine :).
& its not that I “replaced” my bio-mother w/ Molly, its that Molly took the role of my mom when my bio-mom was really bad to me.
I sincerely appreciate everyone’s advice… I’m still not sure what I’m gonna do. I may play the “ohh your invite got lost” & send her the announcement. I never thought of that & then she’d know I was married & so she’d at least know. I’d feel bad lying about the invite, but I’d rather say that than have her there. Sounds awful huh? Thanks everyone for the help, I have a clearer idea of what to do.
Post # 12
I can somewhat sympathize you, we have similar issues with Future Mother-In-Law where she is more of a biomom (since abandoned him and did quite a few rather horrible things to FH). Since FH would get alot of grief from his sister and dad for not inviting, we are going to. However, in your case since you really don’t want her there, I think it’s fine not to invite her. Yes, she may be hurt but I’m sure that she knows that you two don’t have a close relationship.
Post # 13
If you honestly don’t want her there, I think you should just not invite her. Don’t lie, it will make things worse. I would just let the situation go, and then be prepared for the conversation if it comes up. You’re going to have to have it with her whether you “pretend” to lose her invitation or not. I think the best possible situation would be to be up front and let her know that you don’t feel it’s best that she shares in your wedding day, but perhaps you can go to dinner with her and your new husband after the wedding to celebrate if she wants to do so with you. If the situation is truly as awkward between you and her as you say, then I assume she probably is aware of it. Is she an understanding person? Would she be the type to think to herself, “Well, serabell and I don’t have the best relationship so I understand why I wasn’t invited”?
Post # 14
I think if you’re not inviting her, there is going to be hurt feelings. Not telling her/not inviting her… she will be upset. Telling her/not inviting her… she will be upset. No matter what, she is going to be upset. I’m not sure there is a “good” way to do it. Given that I’d probably wait until after the wedding and send an announcement because then the drama will happen AFTER the wedding rather than before.
Post # 15
You said you may not even speak to her between now and the wedding. Honestly; I think if you do not speak to her before I would not make an effort to contact her. However; if you do speak to her before hand and you do not mention it; then I feel there would be more hurt feelings. If you talk to her before hand I would probably find some way to bring it up. Maybe just in conversation when she’s asking you whats new maybe jsut throw in something about wedding planning and see where it goes. If she doesn’t call and you don’t talk to her before hand I’d say maybe send an announcment or just bring it up when you do eventually talk to her. Like corgi said no matter what there will probably be some hurt feelings; but you sound like you have your mind made up. So if you know for sure that’s what you want; I wouldn’t sweat it. I’d just be honest.
Post # 16
Given what you’ve said about your relationship with bio-mom, you don’t owe her anything. If you are worried about her finding out somehow then just tell her. If she “expects” an invite, too bad. You don’t want her there and she sounds like she hasn’t really done anything to deserve to share in your wedding day.