(Closed) Should I invite my bio-mom? Should I tell her I’m engaged? What would you do??

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1042 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Yikes, that’s tricky…I think that if you tell her you are engaged she probably will expect an invite. I might just wait until after you’re married and tell her and “forget” that you didn’t tell her you were engaged.

Post # 4
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d wait.

Are you 10000% sure you won’t want her there? I mean, it sounds like part of you wants her to share your excitement, or be proud of you/happy for you. If you’re sure, you really need to wait. Telling her is just like inviting her to the wedding.

However, either way, be prepared for her to be hurt over not being there. Regardless of whether you’re close or not, she is your bio-mom and she probably feels something about your wedding and your life… so yeah. Good luck and best wishes!

Post # 5
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

ughz.. what a hard situation.  It seems to me that, if you mention it to her she would assume she’s going to be invited since after all.. she is your mom and it’s her daughters wedding, even though you aren’t close at all.  If you do mention it to her before you get married maybe you can add something in like it will be a very small wedding and you won’t be able to invited a lot of people?  I don’t know.. this is a really difficult situation.

If you’re bothered by the fact that she could find out before you tell her, you definitely should tell her.  And if she assumes she’s invited, maybe you should just be honest?  I think either way is going to be hard. :0/  hope it works out

Post # 6
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Have you considered sending wedding Announcements (or, uh, ONE wedding announcement – to her) after the wedding? It’s written, formal, and happens after the wedding. Usually people send them if they elope or something, to let people know that they’re married. You could whip one up, print it on some nice card stock, hand address it, drop it in the mail. Done deal.

Post # 7
Bee
916 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna

I would be honest and up front with her.  It would hurt more to find out later (or from someones else) than to hear the truth straight from you.  To me it would feel kind of like being lied to.

Post # 8
Member
1455 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m interested in why you wouldn’t want to invite her?

Post # 9
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

That is a hard decision. I don’t really see how you could tell her that you’re engaged without her expecting an invite. It seems like she would understand since yall dont really have much of a relationship. I never had a relationship with my biological dad. The last time i saw him was when i was a baby and he died a few years ago. That’s when his family decided to try and contact me. Your situation is a little different since you talk every once in a while but i know how you feel. I am not inviting his family and have not told them im engaged. It really is a hard decision and you have to do what’s best for you. I think the announcement is a good idea. But it really is hard to find a way that is the “easiest.”

Post # 10
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

My father and I are not close and talk only 2 or 3 times a year and even those conversations usually end badly. I chose not to tell him but he found out anyways (thru facebook apparently) and it was not a pretty site. Because he hadn’t been told he just assumed he wasn’t invited and confronted me about not being told and about not being invited all in the same conversation. Overall for me it was okay because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about inviting him and that conversation made it clear that it wouldn’t be okay for him to be there, but thats just my situation. I’d say if you don’t tell her and she finds out otherwise be prepared for the consequences because in my opinion it was worse than if I would have just stepped up and said hey thought you’d wanna know..

Post # 12
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I can somewhat sympathize you, we have similar issues with Future Mother-In-Law where she is more of a biomom (since abandoned him and did quite a few rather horrible things to FH). Since FH would get alot of grief from his sister and dad for not inviting, we are going to. However, in your case since you really don’t want her there, I think it’s fine not to invite her. Yes, she may be hurt but I’m sure that she knows that you two don’t have a close relationship.

Post # 13
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

If you honestly don’t want her there, I think you should just not invite her.  Don’t lie, it will make things worse.  I would just let the situation go, and then be prepared for the conversation if it comes up.  You’re going to have to have it with her whether you “pretend” to lose her invitation or not.  I think the best possible situation would be to be up front and let her know that you don’t feel it’s best that she shares in your wedding day, but perhaps you can go to dinner with her and your new husband after the wedding to celebrate if she wants to do so with you.  If the situation is truly as awkward between you and her as you say, then I assume she probably is aware of it.  Is she an understanding person?  Would she be the type to think to herself, “Well, serabell and I don’t have the best relationship so I understand why I wasn’t invited”? 

 

Post # 14
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think if you’re not inviting her, there is going to be hurt feelings. Not telling her/not inviting her… she will be upset. Telling her/not inviting her… she will be upset. No matter what, she is going to be upset. I’m not sure there is a “good” way to do it. Given that I’d probably wait until after the wedding and send an announcement because then the drama will happen AFTER the wedding rather than before.

Post # 15
Member
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

You said you may not even speak to her between now and the wedding. Honestly; I think if you do not speak to her before I would not make an effort to contact her. However; if you do speak to her before hand and you do not mention it; then I feel there would be more hurt feelings. If you talk to her before hand I would probably find some way to bring it up. Maybe just in conversation when she’s asking you whats new maybe jsut throw in something about wedding planning and see where it goes. If she doesn’t call and you don’t talk to her before hand I’d say maybe send an announcment or just bring it up when you do eventually talk to her. Like corgi said no matter what there will probably be some hurt feelings; but you sound like you have your mind made up. So if you know for sure that’s what you want; I wouldn’t sweat it. I’d just be honest.

Post # 16
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Given what you’ve said about your relationship with bio-mom, you don’t owe her anything. If you are worried about her finding out somehow then just tell her. If she “expects” an invite, too bad. You don’t want her there and she sounds like she hasn’t really done anything to deserve to share in your wedding day. 

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