(Closed) Should I invite my bio-mom? Should I tell her I’m engaged? What would you do??

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 17
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

I know it’s tough. But I would be honest and tell her before the wedding. Something along the lines of:

I am really glad that we have been in closer contact over the past few years. I wanted to tell you that I am engaged and we are planning a wedding for (month, year). I don’t mean to offend you, but we are keeping the guest list small and I’m just not comfortable with you being there. I wanted to be honest with you and I hope that you will respect my wishes.

I know it is so much easier for me to tell you what to say than to actually be the person who has to have the conversation. But I can tell you that it will be better if you are honest. Someone close to me was estranged from her father when she got pregnant and he found out when he sent an email to her work and got an auto reply stating she was on maternity leave. It was awful, and added strain when they finally started talking again. I do know how tough it is. My mom’s bf and I don’t get along at all. I have no respect for him at all, and he can get very rude and inappropriate when he drinks, which is often. I don’t want him at my wedding, but I had to weigh the sides and ultimately decided it wasn’t worth a huge fight with my mother to keep him away.

I don’t envy your position, but just remember that it is always better to be honest and upfront than to lie later on when she catches on.

Post # 18
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Where you taken away from your biological mom and raised with family or in a foster home or where you adopted?

Because my little sister was adopted by my mom which is really her great aunt. Her mom doesn’t call her on her birthday. Which I think is messed up. She does see her on holidays like Christmas and Thanks giving but that’s only because those holidays are like a mini family reunion style. I think that at least calling you is a major step in the right direction. Being engaged is such happy news that you want to share it with the whole world. Why do you want to exclude your biological mom like that? I mean I know that she was MIA from your life so was my dad when our parents got divorced, but he’s still invited and he’s walking me down the aisle. 

I would just let her know that you are engaged, but I don’t see any simple way to tell her she’s not invited. You can say her invitation got lost in the mail, but she may not believe you. Maybe she won’t come. 

Post # 19
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with those who say to just let her know afterwards. From the way your posts are sounding, she’s either done some pretty messed up stuff to you or she just hasn’t been there emotionally for you as a mother. You don’t owe her a thing. Your real “mom” will be there, and I think that’s who matters to you the most. What you need is to be happy on your wedding day, not stressed!

Post # 21
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think you should do the wedding announcement thing where you say “We GOT married…”  It seems more genuine and less like lying.  If I were to receive a save-the-date in the mail only just in time for the wedding, then I really wouldn’t know what to make of it, but most people should know what wedding announcements are. 

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