Post # 1
Hey everyone! I’m new to the wedding planning world, and I’m currently having a big internal struggle.
Basically, my mother hasn’t been a part of my life for the majority of it. I cut ties with my mother when I was 13 due to her severe drug addiction, and I didn’t speak to her again until I was 20. The way things ended between her and my father were ugly and extremely dramatic for all parties involved. But now that I’m 26 and engaged, she is forcing herself back into my life. I’m not entirely sure if she’s still using or not, but she is very mentally, emotionally, and physically unstable. Of course I don’t want to break her heart by not inviting her to the wedding. I’m not a monster. But honestly I feel like I barely know her anymore. And if I were to invite her, I know for certain she would cause a huge scene at some point during the evening with my other family members. It’s not a question of “if” but rather a question of “when.” The rest of my family does not want her there because she caused so much heartache and pain for all of us and essentially abandoned us, but it’s just hard knowing that if I choose to leave her out of the celebration, I will probably feel extremely guilty. My choices seem to be either feeling guilty and breaking my mother’s heart, OR running the risk of her causing chaos on the most important day of my life.
Any advice would be helpful. I’m so torn. Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this?
Post # 2
In your case I wouldn’t.
I didn’t invite my drug addict alcoholic father who I also knew would make a scene. No one questioned it, and IDGAF if it broke his heart.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t. Maybe send her a “marriage announcement” after the fact, but don’t invite drama to your wedding.
Post # 4
I was very worried that my mother would cause a scene or some kind of drama at the wedding. I have been in what I call “conditional contact” with her for a few years now. This means that she sees me occasionally if she’s stable (hers is mental illness, not so much drugs). If she’s not stable, I don’t come around.
As soon as we started planning, I told some trusted family and friends that I was to have zero drama on our wedding day. None. I said it in front of my mother as well but I didn’t confront her about it. I think due to my conditional contact, she knew I meant business. I have boundaries that have been established for years and she knows that I don’t entertain her shenanigans when she goes off the rails. I think due to that, she knew to be on her best behavior.
There was some drama, of course, but I didn’t find out about it until a week later, so my rules were a success.
Do not feel obligated to have your mother in your life. If her presence causes you more toxicity and pain than it does happiness, you either limit contact or cut her out completely.
I suggest not making a decision now. I would wait and see where this tentative relationship is going (though she sounds unstable still). Maybe she will disappear and you won’t have to worry about it. Or maybe she won’t and things have been ok so you aren’t worried about her during the wedding. Or, you have family and friends be on the lookout for any problems and they can hustle her out of there.
Your relationship is 100% up to you. If you can’t have her in your life, you don’t have to have her in your life.
Post # 5
Maybe invite her to have a special dinner with you and your new husband after? But no, I wouldn’t invite her to the wedding.
Post # 6
You should not feel guilty over this. Don’t invite her. Your wedding day will be a lot happier if you don’t have to constantly worry if your mom is behaving or when she’ll cause a scene. She lost the privilege to attend your wedding when she abandoned you years ago, and has not redeemed it from stopping her drug use or drama pot stirring.
Don’t invite her. Don’t tell her where or when it is, and don’t let her ruin your wedding day because she forced herself to be relevant again (when it suited her).
Post # 7
Thank you, everyone. Truly. You all helped ease my mind a little bit. I will definitely take everything into consideration! <3