Post # 1
I kind of created an account just to ask this. It’s been haunting me ever since my fiance and I got engaged. Its kind of a long story so please bear with me and please help.
I have three siblings. Of which none that I get along with. I am the youngest of them and there is at least an 11 year gap between me and them. I moved from home to another town with my then boyfriend (now fiance) and none of my siblings called me. At all. Well I called them out on this they blamed the fact that they had kids and that I was whining. I had this huge blow out with both my sisters and I called them out on their crap. Many tears, my mom got involved and loads of yelling later they ended up making me feel guilty. I then, too put it frankly, went into a depression and later I was diagnosed with bipolar 2. My sisters kind of shrugged and said I needed to get over myself. No matter how I tried I’ve been ignored and patronized (I guess it comes with the territory of being the youngest). The three of them decided to go to a concert, they called it “Sibling bonding”. I wasn’t invited. They kept on talking about the concert months before it was. In front of me. I don’t think they did it out of cruelty but I was just ignored. I kept up the try to have a nice relationship for a good year and now I’ve just given up and settled for being polite. Half because I don’t want to put my parents in an uncomfortable position. Half because even if I cannot stand my sisters. I adore their kids. I love them so so much.
Now my brother is another case entirely. My brother isn’t abusive, or mean, or anything of the sort. He just kind of isn’t a brother. <br />For the first 6 month of my fiance and I relationship he didn’t bother remembering his name. He invited my sisters and his friends personally to his birthday and then left it up to my parents to invite me. I can’t say I hate him. I just don’t love him. He is the only one in my family that doesn’t know my illness, I forbid anyone to tell him because I knew he didn’t even know I was depressed.
Now my weddings is coming up. And as you probably can guess, I’m not the least bit interested in inviting any of them. My parents think I should. And Yes I DO want to keep having a relationship with their kids. But I don’t want to invite people who I’m not certain if they love me, really love me. I know some people are all about blood is thicker than water. But so far that blood has only held me down instead of supporting and helping. <br />I’m really stressed about this and I could really use some advice. Please help!
Ps. My fiance Is totally against inviting them. He hates them for how they have treated me an firmly belive that they are the cause for triggering my bipolarity meltdowns.
Post # 2
If you’re having a large wedding, you probably can’t get out of inviting them (and hoping they don’t attend). If you’re having a small wedding, I would think you don’t have to invite them, since you’re not close to them. Invite people who are happy to see you get married and celebrate with you, only.
Post # 3
If you want to have any relationship with their children, I think you have to invite them.
Post # 4
It’s hard for me to give you advice because I cannot imagine this situation.
I do think that not inviting them will create more drama than it’s worth, and you’ll definitely risk losing your relationship with your nieces and nephews. So I would just invite all of your siblings.
It sounds to me like deep down you wish you had a better relationship with your siblings–that’s why this upsets you and you get into crying fights. If you don’t invite them, the relationships have almost no chance of improving.
Post # 5
They sound like assholes. I wouldn’t invite them. To me, family holds priority only if they also respect you and treat you in a dignified manner. I don’t think that people should be able to get away with being hurtful and callous simply by virtue of sharing similar DNA. Nor do they deseve any entitlements such as wedding invitations, gifts, favours etc.
Having said that, if you don’t invite them and they get butthurt, they may very well limit your contact with your nieces/nephews. That would suck…. but, I personally would bite the bullet on that one and accept seeing them less often because there are very few things to me that are worth putting up with toxic people in my life. But everyone is different and you have to do the weighing of possible outcomes for yourself.
Also, mothers will almost always say to invite siblings/family members. They have an inclination to ‘keep the family together’ and often see their own children differently from a mother’s perspective, than you do as a sibling.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
At least some of them sound like jerks (although I can’t see “my brother didn’t bother remembering my boyfriend’s name for a couple months when we started dating” as a big deal – why would he, in the very beginning?). I’m generally against feeling obligated to invite toxic family to weddings if you think they’re going to cause a scene or make you miserable. BUT, if you want to have a relationship with their kids, you can’t freeze them out. Suck it up, invite them, appoint a bridesmaid to intercept/distract them if they try to bother you.
Post # 7
I think that one scene is the one that started the whole downward spiral with my brother. Not once, and I mean to this very day, has he made any sort of attempt to get to know my fiance. He hasn’t invited us over for dinner or anything. At the social gatherings he doesn’t talk to him at all. I doubt he knows what my fiance does for a living. :/ Just thought I’d explain
Post # 8
I’d like to thank you all, your advice is awsome. It’s also nice to know that I’m just not being silly and whiny about them. I still haven’t decided how I should go about this but all your advice is helping. A big factor is my nephews and neices and maybe I’ll invite them just so that I can have the kids there. (Sorry for my spelling, english isn’t my naitive language)
Post # 9
If they were cousins or some sort of extended family, I would say no. But they are your siblings. So I would invite then and let them make the decusion to come or not.
Post # 10
It’s sucks how they have treated you. I’m sorry 🙁 You are certainly entitled to invite who you like to your wedding, but realize by doing so you are likely choosing to cut them out of your life forever. If there is any part of you that wants to mend the relationships in the future then I would invite them. You say you love your nieces and nephews, so I would invite your siblings for their sake. I think if you exclude your siblings they may not be so keen to have their children around you anymore. Are you planning to have children in the future? Do you want them to have a relationship with their cousins? These are all really important things to consider and realize that your decision now may impact these future relationships. And you never know…. When/if you have children and grow older you may have more in common with them resulting in a closer relationship.
Also, if you choose not to invite them it is bound to be noticed at your wedding. I personally would not want my wedding day to turn into a gossip-fest about my family drama. I understand you need to take a stand and call your siblings out on their shit, but your wedding day may not be the best time/place to do it.
Post # 11
My wedding is immediate family only and my brother is not invited, but my sister is. I don’t feel bad, and your shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t invite them. Life is too short to have people in your life who don’t care for you deeply.