Post # 1
Haha the title leaves it up to a lot of interpretation!
My FI has been very involved in planning and we’ve made all our decisions together, sans things that are exclusive to each like groomsmen gifts or things concerning my dress. But with two months left, he’s really being a downer about the details and just saying no to evvvverything. If ever I say, “You know what would look nice…yadda yadda yadda”, he pisses all over it. “Where are we going to put that? How much is that going to cost? Is that really necessary? I don’t see the point.” These “things” that I’m suggesting are literally nothing that wouldn’t take a little more effort on my part and most of them will cost nothing extra.
Here’s a direct example. I’ve had friends and my mom asked if we were doing a “signature drink”. I thought the idea of it was rather cliche from the get go, but my friend offered her glass jugs with the spickets on them and I thought it’s be cute to fill them with apple cider and make a list of suggested drinks, or people could have it without. This would literally be nothing to do and I think a cute addition to our theme and such. His immediate response? No. Waste of time/pointless etc. etc. etc. He literally doesn’t want to do ANYTHING that isn’t necessary! The whole reception isn’t “necessary”!!
One of the wedding sites has personalize napkins. 100 napkins for $9.99. I want to put them at the bar and dessert table. Immediately I’m met with, “What’s the point, they end up in the garbage.”
Should I proceed with the little things I want to do without consulting him from here on in, since he’s such a downer? We’re still completely in budget and nothing I want to do is remotely extravagant! They’re all very minor things that I want to do and him pissing all over it makes me feel badly! I’m not asking him to even help me with it!
Post # 2
Oh, yes, I would. He won’t even know the difference at the wedding.
Post # 3
BurlapnLace: I think instead of doing it without talking to him first, you should try and explain to him how he’s making you feel. maybe he doesn’t realize what a downer he’s being. It’s his wedding too so while I agree your ideas shouldn’t be trashed, I don’t think his opinion is worthless either.
Post # 4
BurlapnLace: I tend to agree with him about the napkins, but that sucks he’s being a downer.
Honestly, he’s probably just tired of plannning / talking about the wedding. My (now) husband went through the same thing. I would never get tired of thinking of cute ideas and what not, but my husband was just craving normal conversation and was sick of wedding fever.
My advice, just do things on your own if they are important to you, and won’t cause that much of a hassle. No need to involve him in every little thing. And have a day once a week when you don’t bring up ‘wedding’!
Post # 5
BurlapnLace: I would talk to him about what a downer he’s being before you do the extras, especially if he’s been involved in the planning up until this point. I’ve done all the planning myself so I’ve done and ordered most of the things without my FIs consent (except for ‘big’ things and I always tell him about it, but he’s honestly not into details so I just do my thing).
The only issue I can see is if he feels like you’re cutting him out of the process he might get irritated. Maybe he’s getting stressed about money or the wedding in general and that’s why he’s been such a downer… best to talk it through.
Post # 6
I know exactly how you feel. I think my fi likes to be involved in the major choices like venue, caterer and such. The little details not so much. He does not usually have the same vision as I do. As long as you do not go over budget I would say you don’t need to ask him about the small details.
Post # 7
Well, I think I feel a lot like your FI does – I really don’t care about a lot of details and think many of them are quite silly. And I am sick of talking about it – I had to tell my mom last weekend I need a few weeks off from discussing the wedding.
Can you ask for maybe a set amount, like $150, for a budget of frivolous little details that you can add to the wedding without running it by him? That way he’ll know you’re not spending too much and you’ll be able to get your aisle runners or whatever without bugging him? THat’s what I’d do.
Then again my FI has given me carte blanche on the wedding planning and I keep trying to turn it over to him 🙂
Post # 8
I wanted to add something.
I would go through a list of all these little extras and maybe have a top 5 that you just REALLY want. If you present those ideas and he still says no, I would say “well I wanted this so you won’t have to do anything to help me with it but I’m going to do it because I really want this at the wedding.” I think if he’s only wanting “necessary” things that’s a tad unfair. so be pushy about the things you just really really want, but prioritize so it doesn’t get out of hand and become an issue for him.
for the record, I don’t think it would be right to just do what you want even if he doesn’t notice on the wedding day. On the off chance that he does, there’s a possibility that he could be really irritated. If that were me and I had expressed my opinion on something and was really adament that I didn’t want something at the wedding and then seen it on the day of, I would feel totally disrespected by my partner. It’s a small thing (napkins for example) but I would still be pissed off if I clearly said I hatd something and then my spouse went and did it anyway. Or if things showed up on my wedding day that I noticed and had no idea about.
Post # 9
There’s room for compromise on both of your parts. Your FI is probably more concerned about biting off more than you can chew with DIY and with more expenses adding up. That’s valid. However, you should also look at which ideas would add something new to the event. A signature drink would be another thing for guests to consume at the reception, and people always like that. So if you can do that for cheap, it’s a decent idea which will add something to the event even if it isn’t 100% necessary. Gotta agree with him about napkins though. I never notice them at weddings and I have friends who have said they were a waste of money.
Post # 10
With my FI, I say, “I’m doing x.” That’s it. Unless its something huge. For instance, last night I showed him table lanterns I want. I showed him on Amazon, then told him the price. I gave him 3 options, and he picked one. This way he feels he has a say. When in reality, I don’t even know if he wanted lanterns, but now he thinks he does 🙂
As for him being a ddowner, a wedding can be stressful for men in a totally different way than women. Tell him you need him to be more supportive and positive.
Just as an example, “honey we’re having a signature drink. Would you rather have ” x” or “z”?” If he says neither, then say, “OK then, I’ll just choose ” z””. If he talks about cost say, “yeah, but I love this and can do it for a bargain, so well go with ” z””.
I just don’t take no for an answer.
Post # 11
Mrs.Sawyertobe: You’re always a voice of reason haha!
stardustintheeyes: I did yesterday, I think he’s just stressed with everything from work to the wedding to home buying, and I understand that. I just need for him to understand I get to be a bride once. I doubt the things I want to do even add up to 5!
babykoala: He says he’s indifferent to the details, but then when I got o make a move he’s all Debbie Downer about it and it makes me feel stupid or bridezilla-like!
Maybe I’ll scratch his surprise bacon bar I was going to have set up for him as a wedding present, since it’s not “necessary” lol.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
With things like your two examples I would say it is ok to go ahead without him knowing…he really won’t even notice on the day of.
Post # 13
- Wedding: Royal Park Hotel
BurlapnLace: I hear ya! At the beginning of our wedding planning I filled him in on EVERYTHING. Big mistake. He also found a way to be a debbie downer about it. It’s not like anything I decided on was added on as an extra expense to him. We started arguing about really stupid stuff so I just kept him out of the loop on small details like extra flower arrangements or lights or decorations.
He didn’t notice or care. And it was a very peaceful way to plan a wedding.
I wouldn’t omit things that will cost him money but if he’s not paying for it and he won’t notice it then just go ahead and do it. You don’t run every single thing you buy at the grocery store by him, do you?
Post # 14
BurlapnLace: scratching the bacon bar?! those are some fightin words! lol nobody should scrap anything to do with bacon. Im just saying…. bacon is always necessary. 🙂
If there’s not even 5 things than I would definitely just let him know that you want these things and while you know they aren’t necessary, you still would like to do them. So since he won’t have to do anything to make these things happen, just be a little more pushy about it and let him know that these fun little extras are something you ar elooking forward to.
Post # 15
I don’t care how big or small the decision is, it’s not right to go behind his back just because you don’t want him to say “no”. You wouldn’t want him to do that to you.