Post # 1
i have been with my partner for 6 years. we moved in together nearly 2 years ago and we got engaged last xmas.
i am head over heels for him and he is a great guy! lovely with his family, helps around the house, so sweet with my family, keeps fit good job and fancy him like mad!
so whats the problem… he is scared of comittment. maybe it is my fault but i brought up the subject of marriage (given our relationship WAS great) and he asked me in central park on 18 dec last. it was a perfect proposal with snow and everything! i am not in a rush to get married but he goes crazy every time i bring it up. after a lot of arguments (and questions from friends/family) he said to me i pressured him to get engaged and that should be enough for me for now.. that he basically did it to but him some time.. WHAT?..
i feel so worthless. i know he loves me but i honestly feel he would rather walk away than take this next step. he is 36 so not a baby! i do not understand why he does not seem happy to take this next step.
should i just give up? i really want to be married and have a famiily ( i am 32) and i do know in the last few days i have been nagging him and i know this does not help.. i just dont know what to do but i feel really unfulfilled right now.
if he loves me like he says why wont he take the next step?.. going to see a therapist tomorrow (alone) to see if i can gain any advice from her as to what to do with the situation,
help really appreciated
Post # 3
i meant he got engaged to me to ‘buy’ him some more time..
Post # 4
Every relationship is different, but for me personally, I don’t see the point of getting engaged unless you intend to get married.
If your Fiance felt pressured to propose, you two need to rethink your engagement. And if you feel that his lack of willingness to commit in terms of marriage makes you wonder about his level of commitment all together, then you need to discuss that as well with him. He should know how it makes you feel that he isn’t willing to discuss marriage and you should listen to what he has to say about the way he thinks your relationship should progess. If the two don’t mesh… then that’s a bridge you can cross when you get there.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I think you need to ave a frank talk with your Fiance but not in a nagging way. You need to let him know that you love him and you are thrilled to be engaged but you’d like to discuss some sort of timeline as your biological clock is ticking and you’d like to know his thoughts on when he’d like to marry & start a family.
It is only fair to you as you have invested a good deal of time with him and if he is not on the same page, then you very well might want to end the relationship and check out other options. Please do not make it sound like a threat or an ultimatum, just be honest and speak from your heart.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
I could see that being a difficult situation. Being engaged is supposed to mean you’re both on the same page about your relationship — that you want to get married.
People do, in fact, start planning weddings after getting engaged. That is not an odd desire on your part. It’s one thing to say: let’s wait a year till we start planning. It’s entirely another to put it off indefinitely because you’re engaged and therefore should be happy.
If he needs extra time and you can accept that, let him know, but also make it clear that you cannot be strung along forever with this engagement. Eventually engagements end and people either get married or break off the relationship.
Post # 7
Oh hunny, that’s a tough situation to be in. I don’t really have any solid advice for you and I don’t think anyone esle will either.
Only you know how much you are willing to put up with. I don’t believe in giving ultimatums, and for his to say you pushed him to propse is hurtful.
You have to figure out what’s best for you…is it better to just be with him without a commitment or to find someone else who is on the same page as you and looking forward to getting married.
Post # 8
this is gonna sound weird considering he is my fiance but the way things have been when i bring the topic up i honestly am scared to (he usually just runs off to his parents if things get tough).
i try to bite my tongue! but it is so frustrating! i just want to know if he wants to get married and have a baby.. i am not suggesting this happens tomorrow.. just cant relax until i know and then can stop feeling so insecure / move on (if i can 🙁 )
gonna try to bring it up again but its hard.. any tips on how to ask in a gentle way that a man might respond to..
thanks for your advice
Post # 9
What types of things does he say when the topic of marriage is discussed?
Post # 10
i cant imagine not being with him. but.. i cant imagine not being a wife either. and i really want to have a baby and i would be happier being married. i just dont know what to do. one of us need to comprimise i think but i am thinking the same as you.. ok i brought up the subject but he proposed and surely its not crazy for me to think we will get married one day..
ahhhhhh i honestly could cry!
Post # 11
Ha ha. Men, they never change. Some of the stories remain the same but the cast of characters change. I had the EXACT SAME SCENARIO with a friend of mine in the Bronx. Same age as you, and her Fiance was 37. Got engaged, then the spats started. He was majorly dragging his feet. Anyhow, during pre-wedding counseling, he said he wouldn’t have gotten engaged if she didn’t pressure him. So, more squabbles, she breaks it off. Packs and moves back in with her mother. After two months, she starts going on dates, THEN he comes back. Starts begging and pleading. She made him sweat for a couple of months before she went back. But I will let you know, even though she ‘won’, she still gets so upset when she thinks about it. I’m not saying this will happen to you, but if a guy, after all this while (6 years of dating), and at this age (36, nearer 40 than 30), is not ready to marry, I don’t know that he will anytime soon.
Post # 12
he says he doesnt believe in marriage (2 of our friends just split) and a lot of his friends are doing the man thing of teasing him and saying why would you get married and he listens! ok i did put a bit of pressure but given that our realtionship was great i dont think that was a terrible suggestion! and he proposed and picked a stunning ring!
now he just says i should be happy with the ring (and he could have bought a car instead!) how mean!!!!!!!
he is really making me feel worthless…
Post # 13
That is definately a hard situation to be in. I would just tell him what you are telling us, that you don’t want to get married and have a baby tomorrow but you want to know if he does in fact want to get married. If he only proposed to “buy” himself time and gets angry if the topic comes up, you need to ask yourself if you can handle being in this type of relationship. If you don’t, I think you need to reevaluate the relationship as hard as it may be.
Post # 14
@rh2b:Hunny, you just got your answer! He said he doesn’t believe in marriage. If you stay you are agreeing to his terms. If he marries you, he will always hold it over your head that you forced him to.
Post # 15
@rh2b: based on your last comment, i think you should flat our ask him why he proposed, but doesn’t want to get married. i assume he asked you “will you marry me?”. it doesn’t make sense why someone would ask to marry you, but not believe in marriage. your friends are not you two–that answer sounds like load of crap to me.
sorry you’re going through this, sounds like a totally crappy situation.
Post # 16
I hate to say this, Im not trying to be mean or anything, but you should have never moved in with him in the first place. He probably already feels “married” since you two are living together. I think he asked you to marry him to shut you up about marriage for a while and thats just messed up. Sounds like you need to have a SERIOUS talk with him. He should know after 6 years whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you are not. He is too old to play games with you. Talk to him TONIGHT.