Post # 1
Okay here is the deal. I have been with my fiancé for almost 6 years. When we first started dating he had a good job and was able to support me financially and did all the things I would assume a normal boyfriend would do. He has since quit that job I would say probably early 2016 because the job was too much stress for him and it caused him to have some health issues such as losing hair and anxiety attacks. Once he quit that job he was unemployed for about a year and his parents forced him to get a job. It was no big deal because we both were with with our parents still! I was still paying for our fun activities and food when we ate out. Since then he has been employed at gas stations with grave shift hours. When he started the first gas station store he turned to an alcoholic and most of his money went to his bad habits such as Alchohol, cigs and weed. He was always a drinker and smoker but he has been not as bad. He then quit that job because he was having to be hospitality due to severe drinking. He quit drinking . He then started another gas station job but was having health issues again. He quit his his most recent gas station job April 2018 due to severe gastritis. I was purposed to August 2017 and we planned to get married but no set plans. He keeps saying we don’t have enough money and blaming his health issues. I have been paying for everything and I told him he needs to slow down drinking and smoking! He slowed a bit but still paying rent, bills and his bad habits all by myself. I’ve been struggling paycheck to paycheck Since May 2018. I told him I need help and tried to sign him up for government assistance and he didn’t go to appts. I was so broke this past week and got tired of borrowing from my mom. I have to end up pawning my engagement an promise ring to get me by to payday and didn’t tell him he found out and now he is upset and telling me I lied and it’s low for me to pawn rings he got me. He told me to stop driving his car because he is upset with me. His parents even slowed up talking to him and said they would of left home everyone keeps telling me to leave him. I do not know what to do! Would you try to make it work or leave? I feel like I’m wasting my life but I feel like If I leave I wasted almost 6 years of my life I’m 27:(
Post # 2
Well he seriously needs help. It is really sad that you had to pawn your engagement ring. Stop helping him financially. Perhaps taking a break wouldnt be a bad idea.
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I think you already know the answer, Bee.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA
Here’s the hard, cold truth, Bee: By helping him financially and sticking around, you are enabling him to keep doing what he’s doing. There are zero consequences to his actions, so why wouldn’t he continue doing whatever he wants? He knows you will always be there to handle the money and bail him out when he’s broke, which sounds like is pretty much all the time. Don’t be.
It is very difficult to break the cycle of co-dependency and enabling while remaining in the relationship, if not outright impossible. You need to leave, for your sake, and also for his. This isn’t healthy for either one of you.
Good luck, Bee.
Post # 6
You deserve a real partner bee, this guy is just an albatross around your neck. Move on. 27 is plenty of time to meet the right man.
Post # 7
The only thing worse than wasting 6 years is wasting 7,8,9,10, 20 years. Get out NOW.
Post # 8
vbenford : Do you guys live together? You said he quit drinking but then mentioned that you told him he needs to slow down with drinking and smoking, so is he drinking again?
While I don’t think a boyfriend should have to support you financially, I would have a real hard time dating someone who was as lazy as this guy sounds. Does he have no ambition? That’s a huge turn off, I’d leave and find someone who gives a shit about their life.
Post # 9
Yes, definitely leave him. He is a complete and utter mess and needs help.
Post # 10
He is only dragging you down with no end to it in sight. What happens when your mother quits loaning you money and you have nothing left to pawn? You don’t really have a choice, you can’t afford to support him and his bad habits.
Post # 11
vbenford : we first started dating he had a good job and was able to support me financially and did all the things I would assume a normal boyfriend would do
I had to stop there. He isn’t your husband. Normal boyfriends should not be expected to support you financially.
ETA: Red flag number two is you pawning off your engagement ring without talking to him first. How exactly are you expecting to communicate difficult decisions in marriage if you aren’t including him?
Anyways, he is not healthy and he is not respecting your wishes to be sober and he is sabotaging your relationship. The two of you are not compatible.
ETA again. I don’t mean to rip apart your side of the story. This guy is garbage and you deserve better. I think what you did is you tolerated things and you put yourself in a position to be vulnerable by having him support you financially without legal protection. If you want a successful relationship, then you need to put an end to a lot of the crap that you are dealing with now and that may mean that you have to leave this guy and start over. Best of luck, bee!
Post # 12
The question isn’t “should you leave” but “why would you stay?”
What about this relationship makes all this heartache and financial problems worth staying with this guy? What is he giving you (no it ain’t love cause he loves his addictions too much) that makes you say “wow, he’s a keeper”. Seriously bee.
Post # 13
That’s your answer. Now here’s some unsolicited advice:
Find employment for yourself that allows you to be financially independent and apply the “helper” energy that you’ve been willing to expend on him (signing him up for government assistance and “emotional support” for his addictions) onto yourself. It will empower you make better decisions in the future.
Look for a better partner, but only after you have put work into yourself.
When you get that partner, don’t pull passive-aggressive expressions of hurt like selling your engagement ring. You didn’t talk to him about it because you either don’t trust him to try to help when you had problems, or you wanted to create a dramatic display of that hurt as a cry for help or way out. I don’t think that was considerate of you, but I have a feeling it was out of a lot of built up resentment/hurt/anxiety.
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Does this relationship make you happy? Do you feel like you have a partner that you can talk to, depend on and trust? If not, do you think you would ever be able to trust and depend on him and talk to him about everything? Your answers to those questions should give you your answer. Best of luck bee!
Post # 15
vbenford : Dude this guy is a looser. SERIOUSLY. You want to marry a guy who can’t even hold down a job at a gas station? Go to school, get your self together and find a guy who can hold down a job and doesn’t have drinking problems.
YOu already wasted 6 years of your life. That part is done already. The question is, do you want to waste 6 MORE years of your life. NO. Don’t be that girl who ended up marrying the idiot who works at the gas station. NOPE!!