(Closed) Should I just let it go….

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Yes you should just let it go.

She did a terrible thing by not being respectful enough to stay longer than an hour at your wedding, and it is rude to not bring a card or some type of a gift… BUT you have to let it go.

Being angry about it is not helping anyone and will only cause strain between you and your husband. Take the high road and ignore his family’s behavior.

 

Post # 4
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I have a similair relationship and issues with my Mother-In-Law, although she it is not as severe as it sounds like your Mother-In-Law is. I know how heart breaking it is for me and cannot imagine how much harder it is for you. I think its easy to explain things to people in terms of their behavior (ie leaving early, lack of cards or contribution, etc) but the sad part is that its only representative of the sadder fact, which is that you cannot have a heathly loving relationship with these people who are now suuposed to be family. It makes me a little jealous to hear other people talk about sharing their wedding day and the special moments with both sides of the family. However, the most important part of the marriage and wedding is my relationship with my husband. So b/c of this I let it go as much as possible, although I will always stick up for myself when need be (and he would not expect anything less from me) . Its his mother and he loves her so I avoid any and all drama and respect his feelings as much as possible.

Post # 5
Member
36 posts
Newbee

Sadly yes, you have to let it go.  I understand how you feel as I believe that this is a possibility at my wedding except it would be my Future Father-In-Law who would be the fool IF he shows up at all.  Our troubles are cultural but overall I have just bit the bullet and tried to be nice.  I will let my Fiance deal with his family and be civil when I am there.  It can get better (or atleast I hope for your sake) but all that matters is that you and your husband are happy, don’t let anyone interfer in that.  Also I agree with MrsDavis, stand your ground and don’t let them personally attack you, but if it is not done directly to you, just let it go.

 

Post # 7
Member
107 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Let me just say that my relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law is starting to look just as rocky, and I think that’s pretty darn common…sadly.

 But my cousin, who got married last year, went through almost the exact thing you did. Her Mother-In-Law dumped the bar bill on her parents, when it was agreed to be her responsibility, at the last minute of the reception. She didn’t even show up for the reception at first. Her husband’s family had to pry her out of her house to join the reception. And, like you, all of my cousin’s photos are ruined because her Mother-In-Law didn’t smile in a single one.

Unfortunately, it never got better for her. She had been dating her husband for 5 years before tying the knot and the relationship with the mother was rocky then. Now they have a child together and the Mother-In-Law is STILL just as wacky, not participating in family functions and throwing big fits whenever there is family around. Her husband rarely puts his two cense in until my cousin gets upset enough about it.

But like previous messages say, if she doesn’t directly attack you, the best you can do is let it go…And trust me, I know how hard that can be sometimes, but remember that it affects your husband, too.

Post # 8
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

Definitely let it go, as much as it sucks =/ 

What does stand out for me, though, is how your husband has been reacting to all of this.  He stood up for you at the rehearsal dinner, but ultimately backs down.  "That’s just the way she is" doesn’t really cut it.  If MIL’s behavior affects you, he needs to stand up for you.

Other things, like them all leaving right after dinner, if it doesn’t bother him, I definitely wouldn’t let it bother me.  Less grumpy people, right? =)  And I’m not sure why Mother-In-Law not smiling in pictures would ruin them… I’m sure she’s not in all the pictures- just focus on the many other good pictures!

Post # 9
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 10 years ago

LET.IT.GO! 

Maybe some will disagree with me…but what you SHOULDN’T let go is your husbands attitude.

His family was RUDE, to you and your entire family…it is NOT OK! He should give you the respect his family isn’t giving you. He should stand by you and don’t take any "that’s how they are" excuses.

If you agree to this treatment…I’m afraid you’ll be agreeing to be treated like this for years to come. Like they say…nip it at the bud. 

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

To answer your last question – other relatives followed your MIL’s lead probably because they feared for their lives! Your Mother-In-Law sounds scary and very spoiled. I feel your pain. My Future Mother-In-Law is not a walk in the park either, actually she’s a ginormous pain in the arse! Sometimes it makes me sad to think that other lucky ladies have wonderful, kind MILs that support them. But it doesn’t stop me from continuing to love my Fiance and trying to be the bigger person. It is very tiring and frustrating to deal with a horrible Mother-In-Law, but ultimately loving our husbands also means accepting their mother into our lives. How you choose to deal with her is your choice…but I would try and not let her ruin your day/month/life. And like others have said, I would try and get as much support from your husband as possible. Best of luck.

Post # 12
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think you need to let it go – in that I don’t think you should keep feeling bad about it.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  Your in-laws are horrible and rude – even if you can’t afford a gift, to not even send a card is terribly bad manners.  Your Mother-In-Law is obviously a miserable person, and probably that is its own reward.  You just have to try very hard not to let her make YOU miserable.

And that’s where it gets hard.  Your husband needs to realize that marrying you meant choosing you above all others.  While that doesn’t mean that he has to do battle with his mom, it does mean that if she can’t treat you and your family decently, you shouldn’t be spending time with her.  It sounds like she has been getting away with this kind of behavior for years.  Honestly, the most effective thing is to just ignore it – and you should instruct your family (including your husband) to do the same.  If she makes a scene, everybody should do their best not to respond.  Trust me, that will shut her down faster than anything.  And I know, because my SIL the same way.  You also need to come to an agreement with your husband that allows you to spend as little time as possible with your Mother-In-Law, and also to simply leave in any situation where she treats you poorly.  Since that means that you (and your husband) will spend the next year or so (until she learns) walking out early anytime you go somewhere with her, you probably just don’t want to involve your family.  And I do mean "walking out" – don’t argue with her, don’t try to pacify her, just you and hubby stand up, say politely that you’re sorry she feels that way (a good blanket statement) and that you’ll be happy to spend some time with her when she feels a little better about things.  And then leave.  Unless she’s either mentally ill or just stupid, she will get the message fairly quickly.  At which point things will get rather worse, as she’s probably never had anyone hold her accountable for her actions before, but if you stick to your guns, she will eventually learn that you (and your husband) are two people that she has to behave herself around.  TIVO a few episodes of The Dog Whisperer – it might help you get the idea.

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