- 6 years ago
Hey guys. Been lurking for quite some time. Just wanted to see if I could get some outside perspective on my situation. Sorry this will be long.
A little perspective:
So ive been dating my guy for almost 6 years now. We met during my first year of college – he was a senior. He’s my first boyfriend and I’m his first as well. We are currently in our early-mid 20s and both go to different schools (so we are long-distance although get to see each other at least 1-2 times a month; we have not always been long distance – about half of our time together we have been together) and have been going to school for a very long time (he will be graduating next year and myself in 2 years).
Over the past year I have been thinking alot more about where our relationship is going. It’s strange because although we have been together for such a long time – we very rarely talk about the future our lives together. A few of our friends/family have been getting engaged or are in serious relationships where they are thinking of being engaged who have been together for less time than us. And it really bothers me that we dont plan for a future together – like when he talks about the future he focuses on doing something that will free up his time (we both go to schools that are extremely time-consuming and stressful and will give us jobs that will continue to be that way) and he often half jokingly says that he just wants to spend the rest of his life playing sports and hanging out. What kills me is that i’m never included in any of his thoughts of the future – everytime ive mentioend it he says its because he just always assumes that I will be there – that he cant imagine life without me (yet, doesnt actively think of me in it?)
Next year for school I’m going to have to make some decisions that will play a role in whether i will get a job in the same area as he does. And what i want is a committment that we are thinking/moving in the same direction in this relationship. However everytime we have a serious talk about this – he always says “I dont know what to say.” and I’ve asked why that is, he says its because he is scared of marriage and feels like he is not ready. However, I’ve repeatedly told him that im not asking for marriage yet – but a promise of a future. Heck, I’ve practically begged him to say it and he wont. (and in a way I’m glad he doesnt just say it to pacify me – he is actually being honest with how he feels).
In addition, another huge hurdle is the fact that he comes from a very conservative christian family whereas im catholic and we dont see eye-to-eye on certain things (ie who gets saved and who doesnt). We’ve talked about this multiple times, i’m accepting of his beliefs and even though they differ from mine, i just accept that about him and actually admire the fact that he is strong in his convictions. however, he cannot accept mine. and a huge part of me fears that the reason that he cant commit to me is that “i dont love god the way he does.”
however, i should add that in every other way we are alike – we both are each other’s best friend pretty much and mutually love and care about the other person.
this talk about the future hurts me every time and makes me wonder if these past 5+ years are worth it/going to lead to anywhere. There are so many times i struggle with whether to stay in it when clearly he has no thought of a future with me (ive been open and honest and repeatd myself so many times yet he always evades and then when i get upset tries to make me feel better but never says what i want to hear) or keep waiting and hoping that he will eventually change his mind? ive told him im giving him a deadline (next year) because that is when im going to have to make decisions for school – and if he cant figure out if he wants me in his life by then, then i’m going to just have to focus on myself (essentially saying im done with this). as each talk has gone on with no resolving, ive gotten to be more and more resigned to the fact that we really may not have a future together.
i guess what im asking for is a little advice – do u think im making the right decision? i feel like i have and continue to give him so many chances to see how important i am to him and think of us longterm. what scares me is the time that will be lost – that ive given so much of my adult life to him and for it to come to nothing. every person i’ve talked to about our situation thinks im essentially nuts or the most giving gf ever for waiting so long and being so patient. am i just being a doormat? should i continue to push or should i just wait until the deadline and not bring it up again till then?
its so difficult when 2 people love each other so much but to realize that love is not enough..
thanks bees! any thoughts/people maybe in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated!