(Closed) should i keep waiting?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1736 posts
Bumble bee

My honest opinion is…don’t move for him unless he’s willing to give you some sort of commitment, whether it’s defining your future and coming up with a timeline, co-habitating, a ring, or something. You can’t give up your entire life on the off-chance that he’ll come around. It sounds like you both need to have a really serious heart-to-heart about what lies ahead before you make any big decisions.

ETA: This is really big decision because the vast majority of your relationship has been based on seeing each other 1-2x per month. Take it from someone who knows from first hand experience…when you go from long-distance to being with someone ALL the time…it’s a whole ‘nother ball game!

Post # 5
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MsMindle:  I think that’s really solid advice.

I’d also like to point out that this man has told you he isn’t ready for marriage.  To you.  After 6 years.

I think you have a lot of soul searching ahead of you, but it sounds to me like it might be best for you both to venture off into your own paths and see if you reconnect at some point in the future – because it seems like you both have BIG goals that might not mesh with each other, at least career-wise.

Post # 6
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think you are doing the right thing.

He may have a lot on his plate right now where it is difficult to see himself being “tied down” to anyone. I think he values his schooling and job, which is a good thing, but I do feel he is slightly immature if he can’t discuss these things with you. You guys have been together for some time now, and I think talking about the future is a good move. If it is a step you are ready to make, but he isn’t and he won’t give you answer you can either spend your time waiting and be miserable, or go out and do something for YOU. Get done with school, get a job, make some money, and find someone who is ready.

I think waiting until the deadline is a good idea unless breaking up is inevitable because you don’t want to have a year or whatever of your life wasted on something you know will happen. I think you need to let him know how serious you really are because I don’t think he understands.

Post # 7
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would say to him, “I’m getting ready to make some decisions about my future.  I would like my future to include you.  However, If we are not engaged by xyz date with a wedding date of no more than a year after…. I will begin to plan my future looking at different alternatives.”

The ball is then in his court.  He either works through his issues and decides he wants to be with you and deal with the religious stuff….. or he doesn’t.

If xyz date comes around and no ring…. well you end the relationship and move. 

If xyz date comes around and he proposes… you accept.  set a wedding date and begin to plan your dream wedding.  But you also put together a plan to pro-actively reach understanding about the religious stuff (going to classes, pastoral counseling… whatever)

Either way you know.  And either way you can begin to plan a future that include someone who wants their future to include you.   

One side note about the religious stuff…… religous beliefs are really solidly ingrained in a person.  he may NEVER come around to your way of thinking.  Catholiscm runs deep.  Most religions tend to view “tolerance” and “acceptance” very differently (they can tolerate your view as long as you accept that your view is wrong!!!!).  The best you may be able to hope for is that you agree to disagree, and that can be really hard to do.  However, you NEED to understand in no uncertain terms that if either one of you practice your religion regularly you will have a whole host of issues if you decide to have kids.  So, you may want to put that in the discussion as well BEFORE you get married.

Post # 8
6 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

Don’t mvoe for a guy who won’t bend over backwards to give you what you want….and stop waiting. I get it – I’ve been there – I was always on edge waiting and always secretly jealous as my friends got engaged.  When I was 32, my boyfriend (of 6+ years whom I lived with) – got a job on the other side of the country. I stressed over whether to go and made the decision not to go as he could not make a committment to me.  We tried to hold the relationship together long distance (Huge mistake – made the waiting on my end even worse!) – but it fell apart. Became clear he valued his career more than me at the time.

 I will admit – I hated myself for not moving and blamed myself – those first 6 months were horrible….but now I have met the most wonderful guy…and gratned, now we’re in our mid-30s, but engagement happened much more quickly – I never even brought it up, never mentioned a ring, nothing – it was a total, most wonderful surprise.  Now, I can’t imagine being engaged to someone that I had to “beg” to propose or keep hinting to propose, etc (really? is that how you want to be proposed to…because you finally complained enough about it and he just finally “gave in”?)


Post # 9
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@KristenGotMarried:  This.

If his religious convictions are really that important to him, and it’s really important to him that his wife have those same convictions, you either need to have those or leave. That sounds so harsh, and I don’t mean it that way, but you really have to think about whether or not he is ever going to be ready to marry you given what I’ve read here.

Post # 10
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MsMindle:  I would agree 100% with what you said. Six years is a long time to be together without wanting to talk about your future. Why does he shy away from these conversations? I wouldn’t move until you are certain about the future. It’s a lot to ask of someone and I would hope that he would understand that. 

Your relationship and life are at a crossroads and I think it’s extremely important that you have a clear idea of where you are headed before going further. Do you see him as a part of your life that you couldn’t be without? Does he feel the same way? It’s unfair of him to evade these questions. If he can’t answer your questions with certainty after 6 years, you might want to consider why that is and if you can deal with that. 

I’m sorry, this has to be really frustrating! 

Post # 11
60 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Other than the religion part I’d ask if you are dating my son!!!

At any rate, don’t wait around for something that may never happen. If he is telling you he isn’t ready he isn’t. Men mature WAY slower than women. In fact, in my experience most men I know are not grown up in an emotional sense til 30’s and some not even then. There are exceptions of course, but that’s been my experience.

Hugs I know that sucks.

Post # 12
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I think he’s telling you in many, many ways that he isn’t the least bit interested in marrying you.  Sorry to be so blunt, but his behavior doesn’t sound like the behavior of a man in love and who wants a permanent committment.

I think you should begin focusing on your own life and goals, and start planning for the future as though he will not be a part of it.  If he decides later that he wants to be part of your future, he will let you know. 

You’ve asked him point blank if he’s willing to make a committment for the future.  He’s told you he is not.  I think you need to believe him, listen to him, and move ahead with plans to be an independent, single, self-sufficient woman.  (It’s fun, trust me!)

You’re very young and you haven’t had time yet to explore the world and get to know yourself.  He is really doing you a favor by not tying you down right now.  With time you’ll see how much better you’ll feel without the constant worrying in the back of your mind if he’ll EVER be ready to commit to you. 

If a man really loves you beyond comprehension, which is what you deserve, he will move mountains, if necessary, to stay by your side forever.  This guy is not that guy. 

When you let go of the comfort and familiarity of this relationship, which you will soon outgrow, you’ll be free to find yourself, as well as the one you are really meant to be with.

Edit:  OP:  ((HUGS!!!!))    (RayKay – 😉 )

Post # 13
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

6 years together and no some sort of plans for the future (I am not saying he has to get you engaged at this point).  I personally believe you can’t push people into engagement.  If he is not ready, he is not ready. Some guy needed a push.  A tiny hint is okay.  But he doesn’t sound like he is ready for you.

However, if this guy cannot tell you if he wants to get married with you one day, I don’t think you should move for him.

I heard a sad story from a friend’s friend.  She studied school here and then move back to overseas for work.  Met a guy.  The guy apparently from U.S. too.  They dated a while and the girl moved back here for him.  A month later, he told her he found someone else and dumped her. Needless to say, she moved back to overseas months later. 

My advice is making decisions what’s best for you.  If long D works, it will work.  If not, there is no reason to tie yourself down.  You sound like pretty young right now. 

Post # 14
5199 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@Sunfire:  I imagine it is hard to hear what Sunfire has said, but I agree with her. I will say this is from my own personal experiences dating men who, similar to you, gave vague answers about the future.

I think your boyfriend has told you exactly what he thinks of your future, even if you are still hoping for a magic answer. He has conveyed to you that he does not know what to tell you…but obviously he is not telling you he wants marriage with you. He is clearly telling you he can’t make promises of a future with you.

I think he cares for you, but I don’t think he envisions you as his life partner. He won’t break it off though, as it works for him now, but I just don’t think in the long run this is going to have a satisfying ending for either of you, no matter what happens.

Also, I guess I would ask you why you want to marry/be with HIM if he is not as accepting of your beliefs, not showing you he is committed, not communicating with you about your future and so on. You deserve to be with, and CAN be with, with someone who accepts and loves you fully as you are. Believe me, that is such a refreshing and fulfilling feeling and makes for a much healthier and happier relationship. I think BOTH of you are sort of staying together out of comfort with each other, and fear or what happens if you don’t. It is hard to break things off when you are both dating the first person you were ever “serious” with, as it is all you know. But all you know so far does not mean that it is right, or it is all you should know. Because honestly, sweetie, that you do not even talk about your lives together is a big sign to me that there is not exactly a hugely strong connection and intimacy here. You should not stay together just because you have been together “this long”, and that definitely is not a good reason to marry!

Relationships just should not be filled with so much uncertainty, attempts at mind-reading, reading between the lines and so on. When a man wants to be with you, wants to marry with you, you will most certainly know it and not have to play “guess what he is thinking” with him.

Live your life for you, from now on. Move to where YOU want to be.  Focus on your goals, your dreams, your life, your happiness. I guarantee one day that you will look back and be thankful you made the choice to take care of YOURSELF, even if that meant saying goodbye to this relationship. And one day, when you are in a relationship where the communication is clear, the intimacy strong, where you both are on the same page and both excited for a future together, where you accept each other and love each other as you both are…you will be grateful you did not stay with this guy hoping he would change his mind about you.

Post # 15
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You’ve gotten great advice from everyone else, but my only piece would be – DON’T consider cohabitating in this situation, if you do decide to move closer together. I’m not against cohabitating in general, but when you aren’t completely on the same page about your future, it’s a terrible idea based on both research I’ve read as well as personal observation. Guys use it as a “step forward” and women think it means they’re getting closer to marriage, but it really isn’t true unless that’s been explictely stated.


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