(Closed) should i keep waiting?

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1298 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I was in this exact same situation with my boyfriend of 5 years several years ago.

He was a great guy. I have no doubt that he loved me. I loved him. We got along. He wanted me to relocate with him when he got a new job, and I decided that then was the time to have a serious future talk since he avoided them usually. Of course, I should have known that if he wasn’t talking about “our” future by 5 years, it was a no go.

He begged me to come. He said he wasn’t “ready” to think about marriage yet. He said that I had brought it up out of “nowhere” Note that I wasn’t asking for a proposal, just a “where do you see us in 5 years” sort of thing. I didn’t expect a ring before moving. Out of “nowhere”, indeed.

NOWHERE? We’d been in a committed relationship as adults for 5 years and he’s asking me to quit my job and move for him with no indication of a future, I don’t call that nowhere.

I booked a train down to where he lived and ended things immediately. It was extremely painful. He did not take it well.

I didn’t want to have to cajole him into it, as I really do think I could have. I wanted a guy who SAW our future together on his own, without prodding. People thought I was crazy at the time. I didn’t want to have to fight him to get married. It seemed to me an ill won prize. I am worth more than that.

I didn’t date for a few years, but I never wondered if I’d done the right thing.

I’m a waiting bee now, but I’m waiting for a guy who says, “our wedding will be…” “lets save for that couch”, “our kids will be…”, “in ten years, do you think we could consider moving to…” – he brings it up, he wants it, he thinks it.

You know your guy best, but if you think that he’s not just stressed and distracted (and he totally could be, and I wouldn’t discount that option) and literally really isn’t thinking about any kind of future with you (even an unmarried one), and if you want to build a future WITH somebody – I would take whatever measures you need to get YOU the kind of future you deserve. Whatever measures those may be.

Post # 18
Member
709 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There is some great advice above.  I don’t think he’s going to give you what you want.  I know you’ve spent most of your young adult life with him, but there is sooo much of your adult life left.  Think of the time with him as a time you learned and grew.  Don’t undermind the the rest of your adult life by forcing someone who is uncommitted to be with you, just because you’ve done it for 6 years.  We’ve all heard about the women who have said “propose or I’m out,” and even if the proposal comes, neither of them end up happy.  You need a man who actively WANTS to be with you. 

When I was in my early 20s, I dated a guy for 4 years, some of that LD.  He wasn’t ready for more, and we had job issues that would keep us apart for 2 years.  Given that amount of time, and the fact that he wasn’t ready, we went on “hiatus,” with the intent to get back together.  When we were breaking up, the only part that made me cry was when I said “I don’t want to lose my best friend.”  Well I didn’t lose my best friend.  He was my best friend for many years thereafter.  When we were in the same city again, 3 years later, we could have gotten back together, but I had no interest, even though we hung out at least once a week (even when we were in different states for those 3 years, we were back and forth on email daily and spoke at least once per week).  We’d both grown as people.  But I very much valued his friendship.  It was tricky in the beginning, but we figured it out (like at first, we decided not to tell each other about our dating lives).  When he said he needed more guy friends, I was dating a guy who said the same thing.  So I even set them up on a man date! 

But that later boyfriend sounded like your SO.  He didn’t know what he wanted.  I never felt fully secure in that relationship.  Due to his indecisiveness, I started looking back at even the good times of our relationship with bitterness.  Before it became toxic, I told him that on our 2 year anniversary (which was coming up in a couple months), I wanted to be able to toast to our 3rd year.  But I couldn’t allow our relationship to continue as it had been, with all that insecurity.  Not that he had to propose, but I wanted to know that he had his eye on having a long term future with me.  Well, we broke up on our 2 year anniversary.  The weeks before were hard, and we had a bit of a “farewell tour.”  I was proud of myself for being so strong to go through with it, and started seeing a therapist to help me deal with it.  Less than 4 months later, I met my now-FI, who has always talked freely about a future with me.  Of course when my ex learned that I’d started dating, he suddenly decided he wanted to marry me.  But even in that short timespan, I’d learned that I deseved better.  I’ve never regretted my decision.

Post # 19
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Just speaking from personal experience, I really think you should walk away.  That may be a harsh thing to say but I was with an ex for six years myself, and when it ended I thought, “I really could have spent some of that time finding the person I was meant to be with.”  After six years he should know if marriage is at least something he wants to discuss.  “I don’t know” is having your cake and eating it too.  Don’t make the mistake of using him in any kind of decision about your life post-education.  It’s going to be tough, six years is a long time.

And I hate to use cliches but I think some are so true… If you let him and he goes back… Well, you see how that ends.  It was then meant to be but in the meantime, don’t close yourself off to other things out there.  I’m sure you love him very much and six years is a really significant part of your life but go and find happiness with someone who is ready to commit.

Post # 20
Member
6 posts
Newbee

I can only share my previous experience, you may or may not find it helpful but I hope you are able to get something from it.

 

I was with my now ex for 6 years (his first girlfriend and he was my first serious relationship) – from last year of high school until I started my new job after university. We were always located in the same place. When I asked him about the future he said he didn’t know and one day he said about 80% chance we would end up together. About a year after this, he said he was having doubts about whether he loved me in the forever kind of way or the friends kind of way. After a month of deliberating we went our seperate ways.

 

Looking back, I realised that there were signs like 6mths before we broke up that something was going on (just little insignificant things that ordinarily you’d brush off as nothing). Now I have met a wonderful man (9mths later) and I know what it feels like to know that deeper level of love is I realise that we were just friends who were hanging out together under the banner of a relationship because it’s what we had been for so long (it was routine in a way)… we’re still friends today… over 4yrs after we broke up.

The thing I think you need to ask yourselves is that are you together because it’s what you have been for so long (your used to it) and because it’s what people see you as or are you together because you have that deep level of love? I think, while it sounds negitive, you need to remember that while you can’t imagine your life without them in it, its normal to feel that way for someone who’s been a fixture in your life for so long in a significant manner… similar to a best friend.

Post # 21
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@3xaCharm:  Horrible advice! Ladies here is the facts, especially about men. First never give someone an ultimatium. Its isnt fair to him, or yourself. If you are happy just go with it. I have been with the person I call my wife for 22 years. We are not married, and have lasted more than 80% of most marriages today. The reason is? No ultimatiums! We have 3 beautiful children, and there is not a day that I dont lose my breath when I see her. If you have a solid relationship then whats the rush? This is exactly what causes people to loose one another. (I want, I want!!!) Get over it! If you have lasted for 6 years and everythings fine? Just leave it alone and enjoy being in love.

Post # 22
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@CaliHoya:  Oh please stop with the religous crap. Its clear they, to an extent have worked that out. Religeon in no way should have a bearing on a relationship if you are truely in love. Just agree to disagree, and have a nice life.

Post # 23
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@mrowland123:  I don’t even know how to address this since I replied to this thread 8 months ago and the OP has likely worked out her issue since then. Not sure why you’ve come out of the woodwork to be snarky in a post that’s old as hell.

That being said, her issue has less to do with religion and more to do with expectations of a relationship not being the same. I would give the same advice if one person definitely wanted kids and the other never wanted kids.

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