- 10 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
I was in this exact same situation with my boyfriend of 5 years several years ago.
He was a great guy. I have no doubt that he loved me. I loved him. We got along. He wanted me to relocate with him when he got a new job, and I decided that then was the time to have a serious future talk since he avoided them usually. Of course, I should have known that if he wasn’t talking about “our” future by 5 years, it was a no go.
He begged me to come. He said he wasn’t “ready” to think about marriage yet. He said that I had brought it up out of “nowhere” Note that I wasn’t asking for a proposal, just a “where do you see us in 5 years” sort of thing. I didn’t expect a ring before moving. Out of “nowhere”, indeed.
NOWHERE? We’d been in a committed relationship as adults for 5 years and he’s asking me to quit my job and move for him with no indication of a future, I don’t call that nowhere.
I booked a train down to where he lived and ended things immediately. It was extremely painful. He did not take it well.
I didn’t want to have to cajole him into it, as I really do think I could have. I wanted a guy who SAW our future together on his own, without prodding. People thought I was crazy at the time. I didn’t want to have to fight him to get married. It seemed to me an ill won prize. I am worth more than that.
I didn’t date for a few years, but I never wondered if I’d done the right thing.
I’m a waiting bee now, but I’m waiting for a guy who says, “our wedding will be…” “lets save for that couch”, “our kids will be…”, “in ten years, do you think we could consider moving to…” – he brings it up, he wants it, he thinks it.
You know your guy best, but if you think that he’s not just stressed and distracted (and he totally could be, and I wouldn’t discount that option) and literally really isn’t thinking about any kind of future with you (even an unmarried one), and if you want to build a future WITH somebody – I would take whatever measures you need to get YOU the kind of future you deserve. Whatever measures those may be.