(Closed) Should I leave?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Should I stay or should I go?
    Stay : (10 votes)
    29 %
    Leave : (24 votes)
    71 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    110 posts
    Blushing bee

    mishybear :  okay from what I understand from OP’s post they have been together 2 years and 8 months. They had the engagement talk at about 2 years or 2 and a half years into their relationship. Now to me, the engagement talk is “hey babe, I really wanna move forward in my life with you. What do you think about getting engaged?” Or something along those lines. The engagement talk isn’t a proposal, however, maybe that’s what the OP meant but she never clarified that when I asked her if my understanding of what she was saying was correct. So let’s say she bought up the idea of getting in engaged at 2 and a 1/2 years into their relationship. 2 years and 8 months – 2 years and 1/2 = 3 months. So my understanding is it has only been a minimum of 3 months since they had the engagement talk. That doesn’t sound like a long time to me.

    Post # 19
    Member
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2016

    mon9821 :  financially because he can’t afford a ring or financially because weddings are super expensive (well that depends on who you ask 😉) and can’t afford to throw a wedding? You’re still SO young that if you decide to end it, you still have so much time to find “the one”. Like many PP’s here have said, only you can make that decision. Do you think he’s “the one”?

    Post # 20
    Member
    1552 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2017

    mon9821 :  so your timeline has been 2 years and he still thinks he won’t be ready next year? With 0 debt? For a $2k ring? I’d consider leaving :/

    Post # 21
    Member
    89 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: August 2016

    misshomemaker123 :  I think OP meant that she and her Boyfriend or Best Friend had a talk (at some unspecified time) and together decided that their timeline for getting engaged would be between the 2 – 2.5 year mark. 

     

    ETA: sorry, OP’s clarification didn’t show up on my screen before I posted!

    Post # 22
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    Honestly, while I don’t think “waiting” this length of time (3-4 years) for marriage is unusual or necessarily a deal-breaker, and I don’t think that what someone says 6 months in during the honeymoon period is a guarantee of what happens later, I think that the fact you are questioning if you should leave indicates you probably should. 

    If you feel “tricked” to me it sounds like you also feel resentful of waiting longer and he has already made it clear it won’t happen for a year or more. I don’t get the impression you are prepare to wait that without resentment. If a cheaper ring is not an option (or you won’t or can’t kick in for one) and a small wedding is off the table, then it is probably best you move on and meet someone whose own goals will match yours.

    It is also possible he is using the financial reasons to delay proposing as he is not personally ready but he needs to communicate that to you, and I think in your case the end result is the same: you aren’t on a timeline satisfactory to you and I get impression you are resentful (and feel “tricked”) and that won’t improve with time so it is probably best to move on for both your sakes. 

    ETA: I saw part about how he won’t sit down and plan with you as he feels pressure. I don’t know how your conversations normally go when you talk about theae things, but that is not representative of healthy and open communication. I am not sure this relationship is anywhere near ready for marriage, no matter how much you want it or how long you have been together. You ought to be able to talk about everything together – without pressure, with acceptance, love, respect, kindness, trust – if you intend to marry each other.

    Post # 23
    Member
    7772 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    He wont sit down and actually plan out anything with me as he feels that’ll be me putting him under pressure. He even said ”maybe I shouldn’t be dating till I get my life together”

    Of everything you’ve written, this is the most concerning to me because it reveals a weakness of character. As a pp said, he’s victimizing himself rather than calmly explaining the situation to you and declaring his commitment, i.e., “I can’t afford a ring right now because I am helping support my family, but I plan to save X amount every month, so that by X time I should be able to propose–I promise I am committed to you!”

    I used to say to my ex things like, “it hurts my feelings when you do X because I feel like you’re taking me for granted.” A mature and caring person would respond with something like, “I can understand where you’re coming from and I don’t want you to feel like that–I won’t make you feel that way again.” My ex, on the other hand, would turn the situation around so that HE is the victim, by saying something like “well I guess you think I’m a bad boyfriend, maybe we should just break up.” 

    My advice: if he’s saying he shouldn’t be with anyone til he gets his shit together, believe him. Call his bluff and walk away from the relationship. I’m not saying he’ll never be ready, but you should be with someone who is committed to making it work with you despite the obstacles, not someone who crumbles into a lump of self pity and angst anytime you bring up the future.

    Post # 24
    Member
    5161 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2010

    tiffanybruiser :  <- what she said! She conveyed what I wanted to say much better than I did.

    Post # 25
    Member
    1011 posts
    Bumble bee

    To be honest, based on your follow up responses, it sounds like if getting married and having a ring/wedding that are in specific price points, you might want to consider finding someone else (note – I absolutely am NOT critiquing what you want!). He withheld information about his finances and is refusing to plan or budget – that is NOT good, and won’t change if/when you two get married. 

    I know you said your cultural expectations have a lot to with wanting to get married, but trust me when I say that being someone who is responsible, open, honest, and financially stable is WAY more important than a timeline or meeting families. 

    I really think that, given your age, you’ll be able to get everything you want, just maybe not with this guy. If my guy lied to me about debt/financial issues, I’d never be able to trust him!

    Post # 26
    Member
    1495 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    mon9821 :  It depends on what you want, I like PP started dating my husband when we were teenagers so it took seven years for him to propose, but I could’ve waited longer as it wasn’t just a marriage I wanted, I wanted to be married to him and for that I was willing to wait.

    Post # 27
    Member
    9595 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    he sounds like hes doing everything he can to avoid even talking about it. Its not like hes assuring you “yes love, its going to happen ___ I want to marry you too, trust me Im saving”. He doesnt want to marry you IMO. Time to move on.

    Post # 29
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    Honestly,  you two should clearly know each other’s financial situation before getting married,  such as how much debt he had ect. It seems like his financial situation is a surprise to you.  

    Post # 30
    Hostess
    9675 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

    Honestly, if he proposed tomorrow I don’t think you’re ready for marriage as a couple. You should be more in the loop of where all his money goes. If he can’t save enough for a ring and a (required?) dowry, then I honestly wonder why you think the situation will change once you’re engaged/married? 

    I guess what I’m saying is, are you ok with him giving large amounts of money to his family members rather than saving for your futures together? If you’re married, do you expect him to stop doing this, or will you learn to live with it? IMO, helping family is one thing – but sending them large portions of your income isn’t ok when you need to support your own family.

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