(Closed) Should I leave before marriage?

posted 5 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 31
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Get out of there! I asked my Darling Husband about this and he also says that this is incredibly abnormal. He wanted to know if this has always been this man’s behavior. This man in certainly not going to change for the better. You are not a piece of meat! He may think that if your married to him, that he is entitled to even more sex. He may force himself on you, which married or not is rape. He is also very aggressive and forceful. This sounds like it is abusive and likely to escalate further. He sounds like a disgusting sex obsessed pig. Either he goes to seek professional help or you should leave as soon as possible. You have a right to say no. 

Post # 32
37 posts

sandy85:  Im a seasoned law enforcement officer and my advise is you grab your daughter and Get Out Now! It is domestic violence and sexual assault. Its a crime and its wrong. He wont change and he wont get better. 

He will continue to abuse you or even kill you. He may begin to abuse your daughter. Im not paranoid or trying to scare you. It isnt about sex. He gets off on contolling you and dehumanizing you. If he loved you he wouldnt do it all. It isnt your fault. There is something wrong with him. Do you want your daughter growing believing this is how she should be treated? Please get out now.



Post # 33
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t think he is an addict. Most addicts use their “drug of choice” to escape feelings or intimacy. That’s why sex addicts use porn, annoymous sex or prostitutes. 

I think he is sexually abusing you. He does not respect you or your body. He is not using sex for what it is meant to be used for in a relationship, which is increasing intimacy and feeling connected to each other. He is using you as a hole to get his rocks off and if your hole isn’t available, then he is going to find another hole to put it in. If this was just about sexual release, that is what masterbation is for. No, this is about power, control and degrading you.

Please talk to a professional and get some help. I suspect that if we asked more questions, more abusive behavviors would come out.


Don’t think that staying with him would be best for your daughter, it’s not!!! She is learning what love is (her love map is being created). Her map will be so hard wired that the only way she will feel love is when a guy is disrespecting her body. Guys that are nice and respectful just won’t do it for her. Do you want her in a lifetime of relationships like the one you are showing her?



Post # 34
1378 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Chapel on Base

My heart aches for you and your daughter.  I wish I could come scoop you up and get you far away from him.  

I’m going say ditto to all the pp that think this is abuse.  Please consider your options and find a WY to protect yourself and your daughter.   I feel this is just the beginning of something much worse than it is now.  

Post # 35
77 posts
Worker bee

sandy85:  I have to say, when I first started reading your post I thought “What’s the problem? He is super attracted to you – that’s great!”

But…as I kept reading, your post became more concerning. Emotionally punishing you when you aren’t in the mood? Telling you he’s going to get a prostitute or leave you? Oh HELLS to the no. These are manipulative tactics that many women in emotionally abusive relationships have experienced before. He’s putting his sex drive over your feelings, and basically telling you to “put out or get out”. That’s completely unacceptable, especially considering your extensive history with him.

Given the fact that you have a child together, it might be worth seeking therapy. However, you have to stand your ground and leave if he doesn’t change. He doesn’t seem to be respecting you, and that is no way to live! You deserve to be treated like a human, not a piece of meat. Wishing you strength as you sort this out!

Post # 36
413 posts
Helper bee

CaliKhaleesi:  Like I could not agree with you more or have said it better myself. 

OP this man is abusing you and as others have pointed out eariler I do not think that he has sex addiction due to the fact with that addiction the sex is usually anonymous or porn. But the thing I find most troubling is that your little girl is in this environment. Its not okay to show her/expose her to this treatment. A mother is god in the eyes of a child so if she sees you being treated like this she’s going to think it is normal and may lead her into some very unpleasent relationships of her own when she gets older.

I also spoke with my Fiance about this and his take on it is he feels this man is trying to control you (like all abusers do) however he’s just doing it differently and by “giving in” to him just so he doesn’t “be an asshole” the next day is just validating his behaviour and it needs to stop! 

You need to take your daughter and run. 

The only other alternative I see is possibly demanding counselling however that wouldn’t be my first choice. I feel that even if he wasn’t always like this he was hiding it andhe probably wont change :/

I’m very sorry for what you are going through Sandy, I hope that you figure this out soon and do whats best for you. I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and wish you the best of luck.

Post # 37
688 posts
Busy bee

The prostitute threat and taking off your engagement ring are dealbreakers if nothing else is. I would leave. If you choose to stay, at least please go for counseling and get help for him, and don’t get married any sooner than this is resolved. Just know that if your child is seeing this behavior there will be repercussions. 

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