Should I leave my amazing fiancé because of frustrating sex?

posted 9 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
736 posts
Busy bee

Why can’t he get you off first, then do his thing for 30 seconds? Also, if you are thinking of leaving him over this, you might want to really consider if you truly love him. He might be a nice guy, but you should feel the spark with or without sex.

Post # 3
236 posts
Helper bee

I left a wonderful man for the same reasons. I just couldn’t do it. This is the kind of sex you will be having FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Post # 4
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

What if you guys agree to sometimes do it the way you like that made you feel so connected, and sometimes let it be his way (which may involve PE). And if it’s going to be fast, he can agree to get you off first, or use toys after, at least some of the time. 

Have you considered seeing a sex therapist?

Post # 5
3705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Yea I’m sorry but honestly I couldn’t stay with someone in this situation. Call it selfish, closed minded, immature or whatever you wish but I’d much rather gently let someone go than build up resentment over time. Sex may not be high on everyones priority list but my drive is high and its at the top of mine. Also don’t know if I was lucky like you but the previous two lovers to Darling Husband were frickin amazeballs. Even with limitations due to an accident Darling Husband is still a great lover. If a man was completely impotent then thats one thing, I’d accept it and love him regardless. But this….sounds like never ending frustration that I personally couldn’t deal with. Nearly everything I would have suggested you’ve already tried, besides seeing a sex therapist. Some people simply aren’t sexually compatible.

Post # 6
6367 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think I could marry a guy like this either bee. I’m sorry. It’s one thing for an old married couple to have significantly less sex than they used to, but you should at least be having decent sex in the beginning! Sex isn’t everything ….but a relationship with terrible sex that has no hope of improving should not be turned into a marriage imo. Sadly I don’t even think this is anyone’s fault…it sounds like you  have both really tried to make things better, but you just aren’t compatible. It’s heartbreaking, but I think you know what you need to do.

Post # 7
172 posts
Blushing bee

catapple :  It sounds like he loses his erection if he focuses on her pleasure first and isn’t being stimulated himself, which is unfortunate if he then struggles to regain it. I know it’s not fair to criticize someone’s sexual response because much of it is not in their control, but in this case it would help if OP’s Fiance could derive excitement and maintain arousal from pleasuring her. If he can’t, then that just further points to their sexual incompatibility.

OP, your relationship/marriage should be what you want and need it to be. Don’t let anyone else tell you how important sex is or isn’t for marriage because we all have different needs when it comes to sexual fulfillment. If you think this frustration is going to plague you and breed resentment for the rest of your life, then that won’t be healthy for a marriage.

Post # 8
2050 posts
Buzzing bee

This is a tough one. 

While I don’t think sex should be THE deciding factor in whether or not a relationship is good or whether or not you stay with or marry someone, I definitely think it’s a very important factor and can’t be ignored, and much as we would like to think it can.

My ex, who I thought for a while I was going to marry, was also terrible in bed. First off, he was the smallest man I’ve ever been with. I was crushed when I realized that, but it was the honeymoon stage of dating and I was SURE I could get over that. I didn’t want to be so shallow as to stop dating a guy just because he was incredibly small. 

But then the first couple of times we were intimate, he had the same PE issue your SO has. And to top it off, he wasn’t skilled in any other ways of pleasing a woman, AND he was incredibly sensitive about the entire issue, so we couldn’t talk about it openly.

There is a difference between someone’s physical attributes (size or PE) being a dealbreaker, and their attitudes towards those things being a dealbreaker.

I didn’t see a difference back then. I should have realized that the extreme sensitivity to the issue and the refusal to discuss possible solutions was actually a dealbreaker for us.

Now, in YOUR situation, this isn’t the case. Your Fiance isn’t sensitive to the point of stonewalling you, he’s open to seeing a doc, getting creative, etc. So my inclination is to tell you that he’s doing everything he CAN, you should just suck it up and get over it.

But some part of me STILL insists that a healthy sexual relationship is crucial for long-term survival of and happiness of a relationship. Is this a situation where you try to ignore your own needs for the greater good? Or do you recognize that this will inevitably eat away at you over time and erode the relationship away, so better to leave now rather than later?

Current Fiance had some PE issues when we first started dating. I remained upbeat and unfazed, told him it was no biggie, and initiated multipe times a day until – happily for us – the issue disappeared!

Turns out, his physical issue was minor, but his sexual parners in his past had made the issue so much worse by making it into a big deal. So when I shrugged it off, reassured him I didn’t care in the least, and kept coming after him for sex, he was able to get past the psychological part and the physical part, too.

Now, after 2 years together, he’s one of the best partners I’ve ever had. Besides the handful of PE incidents in the beginning, he’s never had any issues.

HOWEVER, his ex was sure he was “broken” and would never be able to perform properly for a woman. But it was HER all along. Her pressuring him, her making it about her own self-esteem, her guilting and shaming him about it. All those things made it so that he couldn’t perform for HER.

My experience with Fiance makes me want to say surely there’s some sort of fix for you guys – maybe you reacted incorrectly in the early months and made it worse? But that doesn’t sound like the case here. Or maybe he had a bad expereince before you, but you guys have been together long enough that he should have gotten over that by now.

I really can’t see, from your post, what else you could be doing to help any more than you already have. 

From my experience, if a guy’s sexual issues are mostly psychological and curable, then within a fairly short period of time with a supportive and loving partner and/or seeing a therapist, they will be cured. Otherwise, maybe their issue is purely physical and will never be imporved…?

I really can’t say whether you should stay or go – I think a lot depends on just how much you love your Fiance.

With my ex, who I definitely was not that in love with, there was no way I was going to spend my life sexually frustrated. With Fiance, who is basically my soulmate, I would stay – he’s very open to being creative, though. I KNOW that he would go to any lengths to please me, even if that meant constantly using toys. 

One concrete piece of advice I can offer is to try rings, if you haven’t already. That could at least help with the going soft midway issue. 


Post # 9
1864 posts
Buzzing bee

I stuck it out 10years. It went from bad sex to no sex. Relationship was great otherwise. Eventually I just felt dead inside, like a happy part of me disappeared. I stopped caring about looking good, who did I have to impress? Even toys (used by myself, he couldn’t handle competition) stopped making me happy. I got depressed. Then I woke up! Life is too short to be putting up with that crap! I never thought sex was very important but YES it is!

my advice: leave him now!! You have to save yourself!

Post # 10
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

catapple :  I don’t think it’s fair to accuse OP of not truly loving her Fiance. A lifetime of unsatisfying sex can be mentally and emotionally damaging not only to her, but to her Fiance as well. It’s a major way in which couples connect with each other. She’s been with him for 5 years and they have both dedicated a significant amount of time and effort trying to make it a positive experience for both of them. That demonstrates a lot of love and commitment to the relationship from both of them.

Post # 11
924 posts
Busy bee

Can you just do it twice?  Get that first, 30 second PE round out of the way & then start again after his recovery?  Then he could last longer the second time?  I would guess you’ve already tried this too, but asking in case you haven’t. 

Post # 12
7804 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

bashfulbee1988 :  I don’t believe the problem keeping an erection is due to focusing too much on you. I suspect there was some psychological thing behind the PE and now that the numbing cream is making PE physically impossible, the psych thing is manifesting as shy boner. Were any of the doctors he saw sex therapists? I would try that next and if that doesn’t work, I don’t think it’s unreasonable or selfish to break up. It’s not like you’re married and leaving him after an accident makes him unable to perform. Breaking up now could actually prevent divorcing later when this builds up until you’re both unhappy balls of resentment. Hopefully though a good sex therapist can help him figure out why he has this block against mutually enjoyable sex so he can work through it. Do you know if he masterbates for a “normal” amount of time or if that goes super-quick too?

Post # 13
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

If good sex isn’t a reason to stay in a relationship, then bad sex shouldn’t be a reason to leave one. If you love this man for his soul and mind, I think it would be a shame to leave him over lacking physical satisfaction (which will inevitably happen at some point whomever you’re with, anyway). 
I understand it can be frustrating, but if you’re building up resentment for it then I think there might be some deeper issues, to be honest…

I personally can’t really understand the obsession over reaching climax every single time…it’s not as though it’s not pleasurable until that point. There are more things to enjoy about sex rather than just the end game, you know? Spend a little more time on foreplay, take it slow and focus on every sensation…enjoy the bonding of the moment. If climax is the only priority/goal, I think that’ll make it less enjoyable for both of you. The stress of wanting to please your partner can actually make it more difficult.

However, I realize everyone’s sexual needs are very personal and unique, so what works for me might not work for you…but I just wanted to share my 2 cents, in case any of it might be helpful to some degree. 

Post # 14
1698 posts
Bumble bee

Is he able to maintain an erection and last longer than a few minutes when he’s on his own? Has he ever been able to (in other relationships)? If he is able to maintain an erection on his own when he masturbates, then it might not be a physical problem but a mental one, in which case there is some hope yet that it could be fixed. Some guys who have ED have it because they are so used to getting themselves off watching porn that they have screwed up their mental wiring and can’t respond to real live sex in the same way anymore. If he watches porn, I’d ask him to stop and see if that improves things over time. Seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual issues could also be an option. I’d also recommend the writing/podcasts of Esther Perel, who deals with a lot of these issues. 

All that said, if you really think there’s no end in sight and it will not get better, then I wouldn’t stay, no. Sex is a big big part of a relationship and I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life resigned to giving up on that. It’s simply a comptability issue and it won’t resolve on its own, so if he’s not willing to really work on it OR if it’s really a physical problem that can’t be remedied, it’s hard for me to imagine being satisfied with that. Especially since you two don’t seem to have worked out a way for you to receive the stimulation you need. If he was into going down on you and use toys and you enjoyed those things with no expectation that penetrative sex would follow, that might be a different story.   

Post # 15
835 posts
Busy bee

bashfulbee1988 :  If you haven’t figured out the sexual issues with your partner after 5 years–you two aren’t sexually compatible.  Maintaining an errection will get even more difficult as your partner ages so the bad sex will get worse not better.

You shouldn’t go a lifetime unfulfilled in the bedroom.  It will be painful to leave now, but will be much more so in 5 or 10 years. 

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