- 4 months ago
Hi Bees, apologies if this is really long and potentially a bit explicit – I’ve never talked to anyone about this for fear of embarrassing my fiancé.
I’m 30 and we are recently engaged. Known each other 10 years and been together for 5. He’s smart, handsome, driven, successful, caring… he’s everything a girl would want. But it stops at the bedroom door. I love him and respect him to the moon and back, but I’ve been struggling with the issues below for the duration of our relationship, and it’s now impacting my feelings on marrying.
So what’s the issue? Well perhaps I was insanely lucky but several of my exes were great in the sack. I’m talking brain blowing stuff. I’m not saying this is the basis of a great relationship (they’re exes for a reason!), but it adds to my disappointment and frustration.
When we first got together we had a real issue with premature ejaculation on his part. I’m talking under 30 seconds at its worst. We talked about it and for a while we tried the start-stop technique. This didn’t seem to work much though, and it just completely turned me off. I ended up not wanting sex AT ALL.
He saw a number of doctors which I was so proud of him for doing, and the best solution was a numbing cream to try and reduce his sensitivity. That meant using condoms because we don’t want the cream transferring to me during sex. The whole thing became so unsexy because it needed a 2 minute bathroom break to apply the cream, wash hands, put on condom… but hey ho, I accepted that nothing is perfect and tried to move forward. The cream certainly made things go on for longer, but queue the next issue…
He then started losing his erection during sex because he was “focusing too much” on stimulating me. We then bought toys, but either they make him feel like he’s not doing a good job, or they also stimulate him and we go back to the PE issue despite the cream. I also partly felt like the toys merely highlighted the fact that I could have fun without him at all.
We’ve never truly made love because he used to orgasm almost instantly. So a few months ago I thought “okay, now we’ve got longer, let’s try slow passionate sex because that tends to be a winner with me, and it avoids toys”. The first time was great, but every time since he’s lost his erection during sex itself and says that he doesn’t get much out of it and can’t feel a whole lot when we make love gently. I felt absolutely heartbroken because I have never, in 5 years, felt as close to him as I did that time a few months ago. I finally felt like we were getting somewhere, and then boom, back to square one.
Bees, I feel like I can’t improve the situation no matter what I try. Sex feels like a completely divisive experience because we’re never truly enjoying it. I’m trying to focus on getting pleasure despite the hoops we’re jumping through, and he’s focusing on pleasing me and not ruining it by a lack of control.
We’ve tried talking about it, I’ve tried boosting his confidence, increasing the frequency we have sex, making time for it, I initiate way more than I used to, we’ve used creams, toys, condoms, different techniques… I feel so disheartened because after 5 years I still don’t feel like we’ve ever truly connected in the bedroom.
We have a truly respectful and honest relationship where we can talk about absolutely anything in a calm and constructive way. I love him so much but sex is important to me and I feel like my enthusiasm to try and improve things is shrinking. I feel like we’ve become our parents already – more a deep friendship than something young with some spark left in it. I get that marriage is about friendship, commitment and a partnership, but is it selfish to want more while we’re still engaged, without kids, and relatively stress free?
Please help, I genuinely don’t know what to do.