Should I leave my amazing fiancé because of frustrating sex?

posted 2 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 16
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Trying to put myself in your situation. If I was with someone who was a great on paper guy, who also was amazing in person, but we did not connect phyisically, I would still have to let him go. In fact, younger me would have cut him loose a long time ago, because I am a firm believer that if you are not having a heck of a good time together in bed early on, he is not the right one for you. (Yes, not all of you will agree, but that’s my take..)

That being said, I have never been in this situation myself, and you can tell you are very emotionally involved. Perhaps you can seek help from a sex therapist if you have not done so already. It may be a purely mental thing, he is afraid of losing control, so he fixates on it too much, and ends up losing the erection. Is there maybe outside stress that he is going through? Has this been an issue with his past lovers? Was this ever solved in a past relationship? 

Best of Luck, Bee! 

Post # 17
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry to hear this. Women need to feel desired and cherished in the bedroom. Intimacy is not just for pleasure it’s a way to deepen and strengthen a relationship. I had a sexual encounter that lasted <60 seconds before and it made me so upset. I can only imagine your frustration. I felt totally used and unimportant. Not okay. 

I like the PP’s advice to try to alternate your way vs his. Make sure he knows that you are craving intimacy and need that connection to feel loved by him. Intimacy can include mouths, fingers, etc. as long as it is satisfying then it counts. Make the conversation less about his performance issues and more about “here’s what I’d love for you to do to me.” 

Regardless, you have to accept the fact that he will probably never be able to make love to you for hours like your previous lovers. If he satisfies you in other ways, is that going to be enough? 

 

Post # 18
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

We can all say that in an ideal marriage everything would be at 10. Our mate would be rich funny attractive and an excellent lover who nourished are emotional health. In reality, it’s just not like that. You need to evaluate for yourself if the good far outweighs the bad. To me this would not be a deal-breaker. It seems he is very open to trying new things and is very receptive to becoming a better lover. And to me, that would mean for more than what the actual quality of sex is. 

Post # 20
Member
4712 posts
Honey bee

After 5 years, sorry, I’d have to throw in the towel and call it quits. I’m sure he’s an amazing man, but there are lots of amazing men in the world and I’m sure you’ll be emotionally and sexually compatible with one.

Post # 21
Member
320 posts
Helper bee

funny thing about sex is that it’s not a big deal If it works. when it doens tits a major issue. also the problems in the bedroom tend to with time translate into other areas as well. we base a lot of our confidence on sex.

after all this time the sex is not going to get better. i do realize that this feels ridiculous issue to break up but it’s a major thing. you’ve tried tonfix it and clearly your man’s ego has been hurt due to the toys etc. I wouldn’t hold it against you if you ended the relationship.

Post # 22
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It sounds as if there is something very medically wrong with him. At least, urologically. I know you guys have been to doctors, but they have obviously missed something.

Sadly though, a lackluster sex life before you are even married is not a great indicator of the future. And it will eat one or both of you alive for years to come (no puns intended in this sentence), and will drive a wedge. No matter how superficial that sounds, it is the honest truth. 

Post # 23
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Viagra?

Post # 24
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

5 years is a LOOONG time to try and work through these issues. It sounds like sex is important to you and high up on your list of things that you want compatibility with in your partner, which isn’t a bad thing, that’s important to me and I’m sure many other women on this board!

I think where my brain goes, if it were me, if the sex wasn’t satisfying it would create a void and some curiousity about what else is out there. I would probably take a deeper dive into whether or not the other parts of your relationship outweigh this one and just how much more are you willing to make things work. Tough call!

Post # 25
Member
943 posts
Busy bee

I’d suggest seeing a sex therapist. It seems like there are mental issues connected to the physical ones that need working out.

Post # 26
Member
2439 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m actually in a similar situation, but married with a child. My husband doesn’t have the same issues that yours does, rather it’s me. I have very low sex drive, and it’s been really hurtful to my husband who doesn’t feel desired, and to me, as I end up feeling resentful and used every time we “have” to have sex. Having said that, I’m in therapy and we are doing our best as a couple to truly work through these issues. To us, the companionship, love, respect, and trust we have for and with one another, outweighs these issues. If you would have told me that these would be issues BEFORE we got married though, and I still had time to change things … well honestly, I’m not sure what I would have done. I think I did feel a little bit like this before we got married, and we got married anyway. The thing is, I’m hopeful that we WILL be able to (re)connect sexually at some point, and I’m willing to put in the time and effort it might take to work on it. If both you and your husband are willing to do that, then ok. There’s also always the option of an open relationship (you would need to discuss and agree to what that looked like). Life isn’t always black and white. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here – only you can decide how much effort you’re willing to put into this, and how important this issue is to you compared to all the other aspects of your relationship.

Post # 27
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I can see leaving someone over an issue like this soon into a relationship…but knowing I truly loved the person I don’t think I personally could leave, and I say this as someone who could have sex absolutely every day because I have a high drive. Sex definitely brings 2 people closer together but there are so many other ways to connect with your spouse too. Sex normally doesn’t last that long…say a normal couple has sex for 30 min 4 times a week…that’s two hours of a whole week. Are you going to give up living a LIFE with someone who you love over an act that doesn’t last that long?

How are you two with foreplay? That’s a big part of connecting sexually as well. Or cuddling, kissing, etc? I would try to work through with him on this, continue to encourage him to see doctors, therapists, whatever. If you truly love him.

Post # 28
Member
31 posts
Newbee

A younger me was in a similar situation and, like you, I tried everything I could think of to make it work. I stayed for years, because I felt like leaving over a sex issue was just selfish and horrible, especially when we got along well in all other areas. But here’s the thing…I believe we as women are socially expected to just suck it up when it comes to sex, whereas I doubt anyone would bat an eye at a man for walking away from a relationship with a girl who never “put out.” But that aside…

For me, it eventually got to where I didn’t really see our relationship as an actual relationship anymore. We were basically just roommates by that point, and yes, good friends, but that was it. The intimacy had died out after we both kind of just gave up on the sex stuff, and even when we did try to have sex it was awkward every time and left us both feeling frustrated and sometimes downright angry. I decided I deserved a relationship with someone who fulfilled me in ALL ways, and I realized that sex is the primary way I connect to my mate, and without it, I just didn’t have the kind of connection I really craved with someone. So we parted ways, and it was sad and heartbreaking and scary, but looking back now, I would make the same choice a thousand times over. 

You just have to ask yourself how important this is to you. Are you okay with this for the rest of your life? Or do you truly need more? And then give yourself permission to want what you want and go find it. Good luck, bee! 

Post # 29
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2021

sounds like you guys are really good as friends and leave it there.

Post # 30
Member
408 posts
Helper bee

I totally feel for you and recognize this is a really difficult decision. 

 

Have you guys at all considered alternate arrangements like an open relationship? I don’t want to reiterate a lot of the advice you’ve been given, but it sounds like you’ve been supportive and worked at this, so just wanted to suggest something a little different to think about

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