Should I leave my amazing fiancé because of frustrating sex?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 46
Member
1953 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think it could be a mutlitude of things. I think something you could try is taking time, not rushing things. You say he’s done in five minutes flat, but is this from only doing one position. Why not switch it up every few moments, it might help him last longer. 

As far as O, im one of those women who will only O from only a certain sex position or from foreplay. Me and Darling Husband have had times where ive only O’ed from foreplay and not from actual sex. It happens but it doesnt make sex any less pleasurable. Just because you cant seem to O from actual sex doesnt mean there is something wrong with you or him. 

i dont think size has anything to do with it, some of the best sex ive ever had was from someone who was average size. 

Post # 48
Member
672 posts
Busy bee

What about having some “you” time and getting really worked up on your own before initiating sex. It might naturally help close the gap between your reaction times. Also, try KY his and hers – the guys definitely has some numbing stuff in it but the girls stuff doesn’t. 

Post # 49
Member
636 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Hmm if you never snuggle, never hug casually, maybe y’all should try a little exposure therapy? It’s possible he’s so not used to that companionate and sorta-sexual touch, that when you’re in bed together it’s sensory overload for him! Maybe he needs to get comfortable with the little stuff, like putting his hand on the small of your back when you’re out, hugs for no reason, and definitely cuddling on the couch! 

Post # 50
Member
11 posts
Newbee

Yes. I dealt with this for almost two years and tried to reason with myself and try everything, but I just lost interest in the act and it caused a lot of weirdness and resentment. It got so bad I even entertained the idea of a open relationship, and that is when I knew we just weren’t sexually compatible. Very nice guy and no hard feelings. I do not regret my decision at all, as I already knew my future would be miserable with him. It is easy for those to give you tons of advice who have never experienced this, but once you have literally tried everything and still unhappy..get out before you marry him. 

There is some saying out there about sex never being an issue, until it actually IS an issue and then it really matters.  5 years is long enough. If you are okay with being roommates for the rest of your life, then go ahead and marry. If you feel that is not enough for you, then you need to free yourself from this relationship and try to find someone compatible in the areas that matter most to you. 

Post # 51
Member
6018 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would request to start having some lovemaking sessions that were just about my pleasure. And then, after I come, we turn the attention to him (if he’s hard and in the mood) or we can cuddle and be close.

Him being willing to explore is a positive in my mind. Him getting soft when the attention isn’t on him is concerning. I’d give it a little more time but I would not marry someone with this issue left unaddressed.

Post # 52
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

Okay, I haven’t read through all 4 pages on here, but wanted to share. OP, sorry, that sounds tough.

If you are excellent in all areas of the relationship, I have two points to share.

1. Some deep, soul searching in yourself to make some inner calls before you take any action in either dircetion. That way, you’re making an informed, and thoughtful decision not based in emotions alone.

2. As PP mentioned, maybe a sex therapist is the way to go. It really does sound like this may be a mental issue in stead of a physical issue for your guy.

Good luck, OP.

Post # 53
Member
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

bashfulbee1988 :  It always feels to me like it’s my turn then his turn. It’s like taking turns to let the other one get something out of the experience, instead of it being both of us enjoying the moment TOGETHER, simultaneously. 

The whole hours of lovemaking culminating in a simulataneous orgasm thing is totally out of the movies.  Are the separate pieces of the act mutually enjoyable?  Do you both enjoy it when he gets you off orally or whatever?  And do you both enjoy it then when he gets off through intercourse?

My guy comes pretty quickly too.  We really enjoy the pattern of (TMI !!) oral on me first, then him entering me when I’m still O-ing and enjoying that for a couple minutes, then a couple minutes (if that) of intercourse for him.  It feels really intimate.  Is that not something that feels intimate and mutually satisfying for you guys?

Another question, have you tried first thing in the morning?  For some reason my guy lasts a lot longer then.  Maybe give that a whirl.

Otherwise – YES I think that bad sex (by which I mean, what feels like bad sex, to either partner) is enough of a reason to not get married.  It’s a fundamental biological form of pair bonding (I’m a biologist so that’s me with my biology hat on) and it’s literally the only thing that differentiates a best friendship from a romantic partnership.  When it’s not right, those resentments and frustrations and the lack of pair bonding all bleed into the rest of the relationship.  It’s only been 5 years for you, so you might not experience it yet, but that will happen UNLESS you both are satisfied in the badness, which you are not.

Post # 54
Member
4542 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I wouldn’t leave him just yet! There are other options that can really help both of you!

Have you guys try viagra? A friend’s husband had premature ejaculations and on viagra was able to last forever. Worth a try?

 

*edited to add: he uses viagra in combination with Paxil (anti depressant) for delaying ejaculation and sustaining erections.  That viagra is prescribed in combination with an antidepressant to help premature ejaculation/delay orgasm while sustaining erection.

She told me their sex life improved million % with this treatment- and his performance anxiety went away. Doesn’t have to be a ‘forever’ treatment either,  their doctor told them that once the medications help sustain an erection and the performance stress is aleviated couples go on to enjoy a medication-free sex life. 

Post # 55
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve had this issue before with an ex and a doc was able to prescribe meds.  I think one of the options was Tramadol and the other was an ssri.  What I learned through that experience is that PE is often caused by brain chemistry rather than skill.  

Post # 56
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

bashfulbee1988 :  I don’t understand why it’s taken five years AND A RING for you to ask this question.

Post # 57
Member
867 posts
Busy bee

bashfulbee1988 :  Have you tried having sex a second time after he ejaculates too quickly? Like, have sex (30 seconds). Cuddle for the ~10 minute refractory period. Have sex again and he may be able to last longer the second time.

Then you’re both getting what you need.

Post # 58
Member
1597 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

bashfulbee1988 :  Bee, I feel you. My sex life is disappointing at best. Darling Husband has a much lower sex drive with the result that it doesn’t happen anywhere near as often as I’d like, and when it does, it’s often quicker than I prefer. He also doesn’t perform oral sex, which is something that just randomly happened about a year into our relationship.

I have definitely thought about leaving and wondered if I can put up with this forever. He says it won’t always be this bad, but has never taken steps to address it like going to a doctor. At the moment I just manage my own needs but I’ve made it clear that I am not happy with the current situation. I don’t plan on leaving him but I also don’t plan on letting the issue go.

 

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