Should I leave my amazing fiancé because of frustrating sex?

posted 2 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 76
3 posts
  • Wedding: June 2008

I wish I could offer actual advice but I’m in a similar situation myself and struggling with what to do. I hope you two can work through it though. It sounds like you truly love each other.

Post # 77
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Our sex life was suffering for some time. It was very frustrating for both of us. Darling Husband talked to his doctor. Viagra ended up being the answer for us. I am so thankful for viagra, lol. 

It really depends on the situation. If your Fiance is willing to work on the issue, things really could get better. He has to be willing to keep trying until he has a solution. Does Fiance listen to you and do what you ask? A willing partner makes a huge difference.

I didn’t end our relationship when we were having sex problems. Although, I’m really thankful now that we have those problems resolved! 

Post # 78
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

bashfulbee1988 :  Darling Husband and I see a couples therapist. We started going as premarital counseling. Now we go 1-2 times a month as a checkup.

We spent a lot of time opening up in sessions about sex. It was awkward for me. Our therapist is our age, and an attractive dude. So me getting comfortable communicating was a bit awkward. But once I was able to, we actually started figuring each other out more with sex. Our sex life has improved so much!

I wouldn’t give up on your Fiance without seeing a couples therapist first.

Post # 79
1 posts

misskate18 :  bashfulbee1988 :  Undercover bee here, due to the nature of the topic.  bashfulbee, my guy isn’t overly affectionate either, and I think that’s why our lackluster sex life frustrates me even more.  I’m craving the physical affection, and if I can’t get it through regular actions (kisses throughout the day, coming up behind me and putting his arms around me) then sex is the only place I get it.  And if we’re not having sex…well, I’m not getting that affection at all.  I get hello, goodbye, goodmorning and goodnight kisses, but that’s it.  Never for no reason, and never “making out” (unless it’s after sex has already been initiated).

misskate, like you, we just married this April, and also like you, Darling Husband won’t perform oral.  The only bright side is he doesn’t like receiving oral either, so it lets me off the hook. 

Part of what’s hard is my sex life in a previous relationship was amazing, so I know what really good sex can be and what I’m missing out on.  In the very beginning of our relationship, I just ignored it and hoped it would get better as our relationship developed.  We’ve talked about it so many times but nothing ever changes.  For him it’s more physical in that he only wants sex when he’s “horny.”  For me it’s more emotional…I may not “need” it, but I want it when he does something sweet that makes me think “wow I’m lucky to have such an amazing husband…I just want to jump into bed with him right now.”  When I wait for him to initiate, we go two or three weeks without sex.  So that leaves me to intiate, but then I’m not nearly as turned on because I’m not feeling chased, desired…I had to do the chasing.  And then I just feel frustrated that it fell on me to initiate once again.  Once we do have sex, it feels so much more like a race to the end goal, rather than “making love” and enjoying the journey to get to the end.

I know others will judge for choosing to get married despite our obvious sexual incompatibility, but as the two of you know, it’s not always that cut and dry.  We truly love each other and he is such a good, wonderful, smart, sweet, caring man.  I’m 36 and was ready to settle down with a man who is so amazing in so many other ways, unfortunately not the physical. We’re just very different emotionally and when it comes to sex.  My family is warm, open, and physically affectionate.  His is quiet, they don’t talk about their feelings, and they don’t give hugs.  He never learned how to be physically affectionate.  My parents still hold hands and flirt with each other 40 years later…his act like a stereotypical “old married couple.”  I have not read the book, but from what I know of it, I know we have different love languages.  His is definitely “acts of service,” while mine has got to be either “physical touch” or “words of affirmation.”  He shows his love when he does the laundry, fixes my car, cleans the kitchen, drives to my parents house to fix a broken sink…I want his arms wrapped around me and a big kiss.  I am married to my best friend, but at times it feels like that’s all it is…your best friend, no passion.

Anyway, clearly I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to let you both know you are not alone.

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