Post # 1
Member
30 posts
Newbee
Oh, ladies. This has been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to deal with emotionally. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 1, but through that whole time, I never felt head over heels, crazy in love. In fact, I was never even that attracted to him. I just knew he loved me and thought that would be enough. But even when he proposed, I tried to amp myself up to cry because I just didn’t feel that overwhelmed. Yes, I was happy, but not that over-the-moon I can’t believe this is happening happy. I love him, he’s my best friend, but for the whole year that we’ve been married, and even for years before, I become overcome with these feelings that I made the biggest mistake of my life and that this is NOT how I should feel as a newly-engaged and then newly-married woman. We do argue often and not in the healthiest of ways, we never have sex (I mean less than 10 times a year, and it’s been this way for years), we can’t communicate over big issues, and the attraction for me just isn’t there whatsoever. And that feeling of being “in love” was never there for me, as well.
These feelings have completely overtaken my mind lately to the point where I can’t help but think about anything else. I even addressed this with him multiple times before I went on this 2 week work-type trip to another country I had planned (more of a volunteer opportunity with other people whom I had never met from around the world). He did agree that it wasn’t fair that I feel so trapped. Well, I went on the 2 week trip and found that not only did I not miss him once but that I developed strong feelings for someone else while I was there. NO, I did not cheat on my husband with the other guy. In fact, I tried to suppress the feelings and avoided being alone with him. I talked to him just as a friend and almost always when it was the group of all of us volunteers. Other people still noticed the attraction between us and commented on it, and at first I thought maybe I was just wrapped up in the “newness” of everything going on around me, but no matter how much I suppressed it, I couldn’t deny the feelings and how compatible me and this guy were. The last day of the trip, I couldn’t bottle it up anymore and confessed my feelings, and he confessed the same. I didn’t tell him I had a husband, but still, we didn’t do anything physical whatsoever together. I know that I will never see this guy again and that nothing will happen between us (he lives across the world), but I have become SO depressed knowing that I could’ve ended up with someone who I had real attraction and feelings for. The day I flew black home and went back to my normal life with my husband and realized nothing has or will change, I couldn’t do anything but cry and feel so hopeless about life and honestly thought it would just be easier to end my own life than to deal with the pain it would cause my husband to leave him (I won’t actually end my own life, but that’s how desperate I feel at times). I would never leave my husband for someone else; I feel that is a recipe for disaster. Nor would I be attracted to someone who is willing to take someone else’s wife. But I’m starting to think if this is a sign enough that I should take the plunge and at least try a separation on my own. I can’t escape how desperately unhappy I feel and how much of a different life I want than the one I have. It would be different if me and my husband were just going through temporary problems and I found someone that I thought could fill the void, but these feelings of unhappiness have been persisting for years, and I have had other guys be attracted to me in that time frame, and never once even gave them a second thought.
I know a lot of people will tell me to work it out, but for what? So I can learn to be content in my life and not just happy? I am still in my twenties, I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life feeling this way. Someone please tell me that they have gone through this and came out the other side OK.
Post # 2
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
It’s not fair to your husband for you to stay with him. He deserves to be with someone who really truly loves him in a romantic way, and who is attracted to him. I don’t think it sounds like there is anything to save, you never really wanted to be with him in this way. Seems like you see him as just a friend. I would leave. It’s what is fair to both of you.
Post # 3
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
Why did you marry him in the first place?
If you are as unhappy as you claim, it would be probably be better to separate, but that’s easy to say when all I know is the one post you made.
Post # 4
Member
594 posts
Busy bee
You had an emotional affair and you forced yourself to cry with happiness when he proposed, stop stringing your husband along and let him be happy with someone who actually loves him.
Post # 5
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
- Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey
You already have your answer. Don’t need anyone’s validation.
Post # 6
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
You need to leave, period. It’s not fair what you’re doing to your husband.
Also, the fact that you can develop feelings for someone else in a short, two-week trip doesn’t say anything about the other guy and how compatible he is with you (how can you tell after only 2 weeks?) But it does tell you that you have no emotional loyalty to your husband. He doesn’t deserve that. Break his heart, time will heal it, and hopefully he’ll go on to find someone who does love him back.
You on the other hand, should maybe take a break from being with other people and do your own thing for awhile.
Post # 7
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
It really wasn’t fair for you to marry him in the first place, everyone deserves the chance to marry someone they truly love and that truly loves them.
Get out – for both of your sakes. You’re not doing him any favors by staying, if anything, you continue to do more damage and are delaying both of you finding true happiness with others.
Post # 8
Member
30 posts
Newbee
I agree, I would never leave him for someone else and would never jump right into a relationship. That would just end in failure. And you’re right, it wasn’t fair that I married him. If I do leave, hurting him will be the biggest hurt of my life, as well. I wish I could force myself to feel a different way. As far as emotional loyalty, I tried to stop having feelings and did what I thought would prevent it. We were together (along with other people) 24/7 for two weeks and all had plenty of time to connect, so we learned a great deal about each other in that time (though I’m not blind enough to think I truly know someone in such little time). But that’s the thing- this isn’t me wanting to leave my husband for that guy, I would never do that; it’s about realizing that this unhappiness isn’t just stemming from a temporary thing and that I’m not trying to fill any voids; that it’s been a long-lasting issue that has just become more apparent.
Post # 9
Member
6 posts
Newbee
Get out of this marriage ASAP. You’re not doing him any favors by staying with him just so you don’t hurt his feelings. Because your “not attracted” feelings will shine through in other ways. Not sleeping with one another more than 10 times a year is huge red flag. I’m surprised he hasn’t caught on that you’re ‘just not that into him.’ You deserve to be IN LOVE with the person you marry. And you will find that- but he deserves that opportunity as well.
Post # 10
Member
2170 posts
Buzzing bee
tiger4284 : Yes this will be difficult, but you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest and end this. Start figuring out a plan, where you can go, saving money for a new place, etc. Also, be honest with your husband. Tell him how you feel, how you have felt, and that for both of you to grow and be happy, you need to divorce.
Post # 11
Member
30 posts
Newbee
asia88 : It has definitely shone through in other ways. I’ve become resentful and harder on him about things that I feel I would be more forgiving about if I had those in love and attracted feelings for him. It’s terrible, he doesn’t deserve it. In the end, I love him so much, he’s my best friend in the entire world, I just can’t shake this unhappiness that has persisted for so long. But maybe the best we can hope for is to find a companion that you can have a close friendship with…I just don’t know.
Post # 12
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
You’ve already decided to leave, so I think your real question was at the end of your post- looking for others’ stories who’ve btdt.
But to the title question, Two things:
1. It’s easy as heck to think you’re in love with a stranger you have only spent two weeks with.
2. If you read your post from a few months ago about surprising your husband, you sounded full of love for him.
It’s easy to forget how we got somewhere. I’m not saying this to judge, but rather because you will get the most out of this post if it causes you to think about your feelings and decisions.
I have no clue what’s right for you or your marriage. Only you know that, and you don’t owe anyone an excuse or explanation except your husband.
I do know that sudden infatuation is a dangerous and distorting lens to throw on your marriage or any relationship. Nothing looks good compared to the imagination of what could have been.
Post # 13
Member
30 posts
Newbee
BalletParker : I should have elaborated more. I, by no means, think I’m in love with this other guy. We both (I think it’s safe to assume from his end, too) have no intention of seeing each other ever again. It was more of a “crush,” I guess, and I would never, ever leave my husband for someone else. And you’re right, I do have so much love for my husband. I want him to be happy in every way. I love him so much that part of me thinks I should sacrifice my own happiness just so he won’t have to deal with the pain of a breakup. But then, another part of me thinks that if I don’t do anything, we will still be unhappy in the end. It’s so hard to describe. I never expected our relationship to be perfect, so the bumps we hit aren’t what cause me to suddenly feel this way; they don’t even make me feel worse about the situation, really. I feel this pit in my stomach even in the happiest of times. This is the worst feeling I’ve ever had to face.
Post # 14
Member
1385 posts
Bumble bee
tiger4284 : Do you just love and care about your husband as a friend? You keep saying you love him, but there are different kinds of love…do you have any desire to have sex with him, kiss him, hold his hand, anything romantic at all? I think attraction needs to be there for a marriage to work. You may not always be totally attracted to your spouse at all times, but regardless I think you need to have some feelings of being romantically and sexually attracted. I know you say you don’t want to hurt him but honestly, in the long run, if you really don’t want to have a romantic relationship with him, it will probably hurt less if you leave as opposed to a lifetime of not giving him the love he needs and deserves. There will be a time of extreme pain but maybe he could find someone who loves him in ways besides just platonically.
Post # 15
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
Yes you should leave your husband. I’m sure it will be painful to tell him but it is soo much kinder than staying with him when you aren’t truly in love him. Set him free now. Not only will he be much happier in the end, but so will you.
This is a chemistry issue, so it’s no one’s fault but you probably never should have dated him that long and married him in the first place. You should still be attracted to him and wanting to have sex with him after the amount of time you’ve been together.