- 3 years ago
- Wedding: June 2016
Oh, ladies. This has been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to deal with emotionally. My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 1, but through that whole time, I never felt head over heels, crazy in love. In fact, I was never even that attracted to him. I just knew he loved me and thought that would be enough. But even when he proposed, I tried to amp myself up to cry because I just didn’t feel that overwhelmed. Yes, I was happy, but not that over-the-moon I can’t believe this is happening happy. I love him, he’s my best friend, but for the whole year that we’ve been married, and even for years before, I become overcome with these feelings that I made the biggest mistake of my life and that this is NOT how I should feel as a newly-engaged and then newly-married woman. We do argue often and not in the healthiest of ways, we never have sex (I mean less than 10 times a year, and it’s been this way for years), we can’t communicate over big issues, and the attraction for me just isn’t there whatsoever. And that feeling of being “in love” was never there for me, as well.
These feelings have completely overtaken my mind lately to the point where I can’t help but think about anything else. I even addressed this with him multiple times before I went on this 2 week work-type trip to another country I had planned (more of a volunteer opportunity with other people whom I had never met from around the world). He did agree that it wasn’t fair that I feel so trapped. Well, I went on the 2 week trip and found that not only did I not miss him once but that I developed strong feelings for someone else while I was there. NO, I did not cheat on my husband with the other guy. In fact, I tried to suppress the feelings and avoided being alone with him. I talked to him just as a friend and almost always when it was the group of all of us volunteers. Other people still noticed the attraction between us and commented on it, and at first I thought maybe I was just wrapped up in the “newness” of everything going on around me, but no matter how much I suppressed it, I couldn’t deny the feelings and how compatible me and this guy were. The last day of the trip, I couldn’t bottle it up anymore and confessed my feelings, and he confessed the same. I didn’t tell him I had a husband, but still, we didn’t do anything physical whatsoever together. I know that I will never see this guy again and that nothing will happen between us (he lives across the world), but I have become SO depressed knowing that I could’ve ended up with someone who I had real attraction and feelings for. The day I flew black home and went back to my normal life with my husband and realized nothing has or will change, I couldn’t do anything but cry and feel so hopeless about life and honestly thought it would just be easier to end my own life than to deal with the pain it would cause my husband to leave him (I won’t actually end my own life, but that’s how desperate I feel at times). I would never leave my husband for someone else; I feel that is a recipe for disaster. Nor would I be attracted to someone who is willing to take someone else’s wife. But I’m starting to think if this is a sign enough that I should take the plunge and at least try a separation on my own. I can’t escape how desperately unhappy I feel and how much of a different life I want than the one I have. It would be different if me and my husband were just going through temporary problems and I found someone that I thought could fill the void, but these feelings of unhappiness have been persisting for years, and I have had other guys be attracted to me in that time frame, and never once even gave them a second thought.
I know a lot of people will tell me to work it out, but for what? So I can learn to be content in my life and not just happy? I am still in my twenties, I can’t imagine going through the rest of my life feeling this way. Someone please tell me that they have gone through this and came out the other side OK.