(Closed) Should I leave my husband?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 227
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@brokendown: I’m getting the feeling from your most recent posts that you are positioning yourself to stay with your DH no matter what. It seems like regardless of the reason we all discuss for leaving your husband, you come up with why you understand, but it isn’t enough to leave.

I’m not saying this to upset you, I’m just trying to help you see what’s going on and hopefully give you a different perspective. You can always come up with reasons to stay, but the bottom line is nothing is gonig to change until you leave. You seem to want things to change, but you aren’t willing to take the necessary steps to achieve it.

I hope that you prove me worng..

Post # 228
Member
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I had to stop reading these messages, because my heart is breaking for you right now…Some of the comments on here have really shocked me, they just got ruder as I read on….but this is my small opinion.   First I think you are an AMAZING mother, it sounds like you do everything in your will and power for your son, and I know others also that would never go to the extreme that you do for your son.  With that being said, I think you leaving your husband has to be your decision only. I understand your what if question, but I dont agree with the way DH talks to your son.  I dont understand that at all. I could never imagine having to leave someone that you thought was the rest of your life and soulmate.  It is MUCH easier said than done, and my honest thoughts are that most women would hide the truth, and act as if they had happy home.   I commend you for seeking the bees advice, but please dont let anyone ever make you feel like you arent a good mother.  No one will ever understand your exact circumstance.  So I’m clueless and shocked that people are passing judgment on you like this.  At the end of the day it is you that will be living your life and completely your decision or not to try little longer and erase all doubt from your mind, or leave today. 

Post # 229
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Mrs. aMAYSing:I know I’m probably one of those people who offended you, and I acknowledge that I was harsh. However, no matter how much a parent does, IMO any parent who knowingly allows their child to live in a dangerous and otherwise avoidable environment is guilty of extremely bad judgment at best, and more likely neglect and abuse. The only thing keeping her there is herself, and not believing in divorce, taking a vow, or the situation being hard is no excuse to endanger her son’s life.

Post # 230
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

‘I just need him to communicate and make an effort to show me something , some sign that he is normal.’


I worry about this statement. So what if he does attempt to do something nice for you? My sister was in an abusive (first emotionally and verbally then physically) relationship. He treated her HORRIBLY. However, he liked having someone around to abuse so whenever she got her senses together and tried to leave he would do something nice. She would come back and the abuse would continue. In case he does do the same thing if you leave remember to look at his overall behavior. In the grand scheme of things 1 nice gesture will NOT make up for months of abuse.

When a person repeatedly shows you who they are, BELIEVE them.

Post # 231
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

O.K… Everyone has given you their opinion. I think this person has given you very sound advice, that you should focus on. Take action on this on this post below!

linguo42 (message)    February 27, 2011   Vancouver, B.C.

Oh, and I’d start documenting everything you do for your son. Every doctor’s appointment you take him to, paperwork you’ve signed, logs of how you’ve been working to manage his allergies, medical bills you’ve paid…basically any concrete evidence of just how much you do for him, so if it does ever come down to a custody battle, you can prove to the courts just how invested in him you’ve been and how little your husband has been involved.

As soon as I read your post, it sounded like my mum’s life. Except she had no one.

I will say this though – from a child grown up in the same scenario as you have put forth, with her parents staying together. My dad had the divorce papers a few months after I was born, but my mum said that they talked it out and she that they would try to work it out for the baby’s sake. Nothing changed. In junior school I used to cry to sleep and prayed that my parents would get a divorce because of how my father used to treat her. He also cheated on her, put her down, and at times would threaten us when he would be very depressed. I grew up with the fear that my father would come into my room and kill me. Not that he would, but I watched other fathers treat their wives like gold and to me my father was a monster and would be capable of anything.
 
Use all the protective factors (builds up resilience – family, forums, etc. to help you cope) you have, surround yourself with them.

Post # 233
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

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@brittaful: Exactly what you said! 100%

Post # 234
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This always happens on these posts and it always ends by scaring the OP off. It’s not fair to criticise though, if someone posts a thread about emotional abuse, everyone will be angry on behalf of the OP. Some people show their anger bluntly, some state their opinions more eloquently. Everyone has OP’s best interests at heart. Ultimately brokendown, you’re looking for validation that your husband is treating you badly…everyone agrees with that. What you do with that validation is up to you. But try to see past the way people express themselves and their indignation on your behalf and don’t take criticism from it. Just try to digest the advice people are giving you and assess as realistically as possible what you are going to do from here. My only advice would be, try to see it in the long term, and don’t spend your time hoping that he will change…..he won’t unless he is given a wake up call.

My thoughts go to you and your son x

 

Post # 235
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I’m so sorry this is happening to you – NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. That is truly terrible! For you and your son’s sake you need to get out.. and NOW. That is toxic and I’m sure you don’t want your son growing up in such an environment. You need to re-evaluate yourself and your life; this is clearly not working and changes need to be made. I know it’s going to be a tough road but once you have hit rock bottom the only place you can go is up. Stay strong for your son and stick to your guns – don’t let him continue hurting you any longer. The fact that you have put up with this for as long as you have is concerning. You need to realize what you truly deserve and this is not it. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

Post # 236
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

 

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@brokendown: Sorry… I had to leave quickly…. continuing on… I was 28 and married myself. My mum found a tape that my father recorded having sex with someone else. My mum was devestated but still wouldn’t leave. She sat there crying and I had to go pick her up and tell my father that she would be leaving him. He didn’t care, but him looking like he was the bad parent he cared about.

 

A few years later.. my mum is happy, safe, and goes on holidays a lot. My brother, mum and I are very close.

 

To honestly tell you the truth, if you left with the kid, he would be relieved. My father was never around much, but I think he would like to see your kid once a year. He sees the other kids (other women) about that much. I haven’t spoken to him since I took my mum out of the house. No great loss.

 

There are a few things you can do. Take action.

 

One path:

 

Find those divorce papers that your husband hid. Make a photoscopy or just take them directly to a legal aide. If the papers are fair in that you get half/half. Sign them, he might have already signed them. Keep a copy. SEND THEM OFF!

 

Have a get away plan. Speak to your parents before you say ANYTHING to him. Get them to find you a safe haven. Maybe a relative in another state. The plan will be to stay there awhile. You can do this. You have a lot of people supporting you. Even in another state 🙂 (Bees)

 

Make sure you consider in your head what you will pack, before you pack it. Give yourself 1 hour after he leaves just in case he returns because he forgot something.  2nd hour pack really fast. Loan money from your parents to pay for your ticket and have your ticket ready before you leave.

 

Grab a taxi and leave. Make sure you have enough money for it. Make sure your parents have an alibi, because you don’t want them to be hassled when you leave. BUT I am sure they can handle themselves. Leave the divorce papers on the table and write that you have sent them through. Leave it that way. Short and sweet. Don’t give him anything else to play around in his mind.

 

 

 

Path 2:

 

Get all the divorce papers ready. Know what time he comes home, tell your parents to wait outside in the car just a few moments. Leave the baby at your mums house earlier on that day with all your bags there as well. Tell him it’s been a long time. This is what he wanted from the start, and that the relationship isn’t working. You are happy to have him see his son. Ask him if he is thinks it’s a good idea that you take the baby.  I will be very suprised if he disagrees with you. Get your dad to come in about 5 minutes after he arrives. For support. Turn around and leave.

 

Give it some time and if he hassles you, leave your parents to that safe haven if you have one. Other wise you will need to come to an agreement on times when he will want to see the baby.

 

Meet in a location, like a shopping center and have your dad take the baby there not you. Don’t give the baby to him. After a few times of seeing the baby, he will make excuses and won’t show up as often.

 

 

 

This is just some ways I thought you could take action. This back and forth with people putting up posts aren’t helping you. Both paths are hard. You could do this now or in twenty years – but i can assure you if he isn’t willing to see a psychologist you still will be sad. My mum and I are an example of this. Learn from others.

Only you change this scene in your life. No one will do it for you. You have everyone behind you, supporting you ***HUGS***

 

What will you do?

 

Post # 237
Member
3460 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are worried he’ll get custody (even partial).  You are worried his mom will watch the child unsupervise.  This is what I understand is stopping you from leaving now.

1. First, people have said it, but I say again.  Document everything about his medical condition and taking care of him.  You can use this in court to try to request supervised visitation, particularly if he acts in harmful ways.

2. If you leave, it is not the same thing as filing for divorce (and getting custody).  He may not file, you never know.

3. Just because you stay, does NOT mean he won’t do something to your son in moments you are not watching.  You cannot watch him 100%.  It only takes a moment…  Staying is not protecting your son as much as you think.  (In fact, if he’s depressed as a PP suggested, staying might make him worse.)  As other posters note, by staying you become complicit in his action.

4. If you do go to court, see about getting a GAL (guardian ad litem) appointed to represent the interests of the child – which may not be the same as yours.  Hopefully they’d say the child shouldn’t be with the husband for safety reasons, and support your position.

I like what a PP suggested, that we/you make a list of baby steps.  You may not be ready to take all of the actions, but sit down today and make a list.  Tomorrow do one thing on the list, whether packing a bag or contacting a domestic violence center.  Do one more the following day, etc.

Post # 239
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

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@brokendown: Wow. The ladies in this thread have shown nothing but compassion to you, your son, and your situation (sure, some may have taken a more tough love approach, which even you acknowledge). We all understand how difficult this situation must be for you. To come and attack them like that? Completely uncalled for. 

Post # 240
Member
7288 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@brokendown:  I’m sorry you have had some rough posts, I think that your story strikes many emotional cords in people! You are absolutely right that your son is not “special needs” in the sense that we may use it in the school system, but perhaps in the eyes of the court it is a term used otherwise- like a child with a severe peanut allergy- allergies as you know can be deadly, I would deam that as something to consider!

Also , while I have never subscribed to posts, perhaps people are truly worried for you and use it as a way to keep updated with your story. While it is the holidays, amongst the busy pace, people can still have a heart to care. I also think you are being harsh on yourself with the “pitiful excuse for a life”.

Remember, you are an amazing mother! You are the entire world to one human being. You are beautiful inside and out. You have so much to look forward to in your future. Stay strong and keep your head up!

Post # 241
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@brokendown: Wow. Really? I did refer to him as having special needs, because he does, but you took that way out of context. And I am subscribed to this topic because I was hoping to see a positive update from you. If that makes *me* the pitiful one  in your eyes, then I believe I will be removing myself from this thread. Best of luck to you…

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