(Closed) Should I leave my husband?

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
13561 posts
Honey Beekeeper

What you described doesn’t even sound like a marriage. I don’t mean that as a judgement, only my first reaction to reading your post.

My heart breaks for you, girl. I can’t believe you’ve put up with that kind of behavior from him for this long. The lack of emotional, physical, and financial support from his is astounding.

If you don’t think that he’s willing to work on your current situation, I’d take refuge with your family until you can determine the best course of action. Maybe your absence will wake him up; maybe it won’t. But maybe it will help you see his true colors, either way.

And no matter what, we’re here for you!

 

Post # 33
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this…it sounds like a horrible way to live…but only you know the answer to your question. Can your parents babysit your son while you go back to work full time? We’re expecting our first baby soon and I’d be heartbroken if my husband treats us like that! 🙁

with that said, I’m almost wondering if you’re my sister in law! Though she’s chosing to ignore her bf’s actions to keep the peace. Her bf had not once held their son even when he’s home on his day off, he chooses to go shopping or hang out with his friends. She went back to work almost immediately so that she could have enough money to pay for things while leaving the baby with my husand and my mother in law…whom are the baby’s caregiver. He had thrown tandrum when he came home and they gave the baby a bath because it took time away from him showering! When the baby is crying and everyone was busy, he goes into his room, shut the door and crank up his music so he didn’t hear him! He’s basically a really rude roommate instead of a father figure.  I wouldn’t tolerate him and I certainly wouldn’t tolerate your husband’s behavior either. I hope that you can talk to him and show him how ridiculous he’s been acting.  My sister in law has made every excuse for her bf…at the very least, you are acknowledging your husband’s behavior and you should call him out on it.

Post # 34
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with others that maybe staying at your parents for a while would be a good idea. It would give you both time and space to think about what would be best for everyone. It sounds as though he doesn’t have much interest in spending time with your son even when he is there, so I wouldn’t let that stop you from leaving, it would be healthier for DS to be out of that situation until things get better. 

Post # 35
Member
5920 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This is NOT a marriage.  Your husband won’t FEED the mother of his child because you need to buy your own food?! Are you serious?

My heart is breaking for you.

Post # 36
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@brokendown: How long were you together before you got married?

Had he had previoius relationships?

Did you live together before getting married? 

When did he start being a jerk? (i.e. how long after the wedding did this behavior start?)

Was your son planned?

I really think you need to take your son and get out of that situation for now. Whether or not your leaving is permanent is up to you. I think you need to lean on your family right now. 

Also, as far as I am concerned threatening divorce in a marriage is not an ok tactic. He sounds like he has a lot of issues that need to be worked through. As far as I’m concerned he would need to be going to conseling (and couples counseling) and showing vast improvements before I’d feel comfortable continuing the relationship.

Post # 37
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

Absolutely leave.  As the mother of his child and the woman who loves him enough to pledge her life to him, you deserve so, so, SO much more (AND so much better).  He is not a husband, and that is not a marriage.  It sounds like he is being intentionally cruel, hurtful, spiteful, and witholding.  No one (especially with a child) should be in that isolated and lonely household.  I know you’d like to stay together for your son, but think of the atmosphere you’re raising him in?  I’m sure you want him to grow up to one day be a doting, loving, accepting, comforting, and supportive husband, but that doesn’t sound like something he can or will learn from your husband. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  You’re in my thoughts!!

Post # 38
Member
3622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Run, do not walk! Find a shelter if you need to. You need to be LEAVING for your son, not staying.

Post # 39
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did he become like this just after the baby? The reson I ask is because men can suffer fro a form of Postpartum depression as well.

What your husband is actig like is definitely terrible, but I would suggest counselling before just up and leaving him.

Post # 40
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m not going to say outright that you should leave him, but something’s got to change. If he wasn’t like this when you got married, maybe there’s hope that he can be the person he used to be again. Do you think there’s any hope that he would go to counseling with you? 

 

Post # 41
Member
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Oh, and I’d start documenting everything you do for your son. Every doctor’s appointment you take him to, paperwork you’ve signed, logs of how you’ve been working to manage his allergies, medical bills you’ve paid…basically any concrete evidence of just how much you do for him, so if it does ever come down to a custody battle, you can prove to the courts just how invested in him you’ve been and how little your husband has been involved.

Post # 42
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@Eva Peron: I second that emotion.

To OP, I feel so bad for you. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think you know what you need to do, but are fighting yourself to go through with it. It seems like you have a great support system in place with your parents.

Your husband is checked out of the relationship, disrespectful,and abusive to you and the baby —> “The baby cries and DH will not get up to help. There have been times where I have been exhausted and did not her him crying for DH to tell me later that DS cried for hours”

Really?! For hours?! What type of parent would selfishly, and passive-aggressively let their own child cry for hours just to be a jackass!!! UGGHHH this makes me wanna kick the crap outta him for you. Oh sweeite, I can’t imagine how you feel but your name says it all. I will be praying for your strength to make the right choice for you and baby. My heart hurts for you. As a PP stated, you are always, always, always stronger than you think!!!

Post # 43
Member
7581 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m going to be brutally honest. To stay with someone, because you don’t want them to have any sort of custody, is the most insane excuse I have ever heard. He may fight out of spite, but even if he did the court system will decide what is the appropriate custody split. A court however, will not terminate his right, out of a fear of yours, unless their is true neglect or harm. He will get to have sometime of visitation with your son. Your only example is the one time he cried, which if you brought that up, could be used against you as well for not waking up. Which, obviously I don’t think is neglect I just think the story could be turned on you.

Every relationship is different. As far as money goes, I know there are lots of ladies who post on this board that are engaged/married and their financials are also their responsibility. Where everything is split and the other person doesn’t participate in anyway with finances. My sister and her husband are this way. It drives me crazy because he makes 3x the amount she does, but it’s their marriage and it’s what they agreed upon. I’m assuming he’s always been this way regarding his finances. 

Regarding sex and not wanting to spend anytime with you, I think that’s your only truly valid reason for divorce. He’s not caring for you the way he should or taking care of your emotional needs.

If you don’t mind me asking, was your baby planned? Was he ready for a child? He’s treating this child like he was forced into fatherhood and resents you for it.

Post # 44
Member
3617 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. I agree with PP that you guys need counseling. Something must have happened to your DH that turned him into a jerk and you two need to work through it for the sake of your son. I think taking your son and going to your parents house while you work through this difficult time is not a bad idea. At least that way you will be happier which means your DS will be happier.

Post # 45
Member
2948 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Only you can make this decision. I wouldnt put up with any of that either. I agree with everything the other ladies have said.

Tell your parents whats going on. If they cant help, there are a TON of goverment assistance programs for women in your situation. Dont be too proud to take it.

You need to put yourself and your son before this man!  Take care of you! Its scary that hes so disconnected and doesnt know anything about your sons condition. Like a PP said. This is NOT a marriage. I wouldnt waste the time. There isnt anything wrong wtih ending this relationship and making a better life for yourself and son. You cant change anyone, and loving someone to death wont make them love you back.

Stay strong. *hugs*

praying for ya!

 

Post # 46
Member
1359 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Your husband sounds like he is severely depressed, angry and bitter about his new life stage (going from single to married with a baby.) Are you guys young? Now that that would excuse this behaviour at all. It sounds like he has completely checked out of the relationship. Honestly, your marriage is over already, whether you divorce him or not. I personally could never forgive someone who treated me this way.

If you want your son to have a relationship with his father, I’d actually suggest leaving ASAP. Maybe being alone will give your husband the wake up call he needs, and he will realize he needs to make an effort if he wants to see his son. He will have his own life and his own space and his own money, which he is immaturely fixated on right now. There’s a chance he will be able to grow to have a caring relationship with his son that way. Right now I’d say there’s pretty much no chance your son will ever trust or be close to his father. Cut your losses and leave.

 

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