Post # 1
My FI and I were talking about having a DW in Hawaii even before we got engaged a few weeks ago. When we announced our engagement and our plans to get married in Hawaii, everyone was really excited and supportive of our decision to have a DW. What we didn’t know is that half of our wedding party is TTC. My maid of honor, his best man, and his sister (who would be his best man if she were a man) are all hoping for babies by the end of 2014. We’re planning our wedding for the beginning of 2015. Nobody has straight out said, “Don’t get married in Hawaii,” but there have been comments like, “I hope the airline will allow me to fly if I’m 8 months pregnant when you get married!” This will be the second child for each couple, so they’ll all have a 3-4 year old and a newborn by the time we marry. Oh, and two of those older kids are our godchildren/our ring bearer and flower girl.
Should I just have the wedding at home? We wanted a DW because we have more family than we can afford to invite. We live in the LA area and the cost of weddings here is just insane. we have a pretty decent budget and the quote I got from my favorite venue was a little heartbreaking. The cost of the ceremony and reception for 100 people was our entire budget. Not including flowers, photographer, dress, rings, etc. I thought it was insanely overpriced but apparently that’s just standard for LA. We would practically have to double our budget to have a wedding at home.
It was supposed to be immediate families and best friends only in HI. About 20 people. We could have a ceremony on the beach in a private estate with the best caterer, photographer, and videographer and an actual wedding planner and STILL come in under budget, even factoring in travel expenses. I don’t think I would be ok with having all of those people missing. My FI said we should just continue with our plans for a DW and hope for the best, but I think that’s a little too optimistic.
I feel like right now my two choices are to have a crappy wedding with everyone I love or have a dream wedding without a bunch of important people. I’ve been dreaming of my wedding since I was like 5 (I’m one of THOSE girls). I really don’t want to sacrifice anything but I don’t see a way around it. Advice is appreciated if you have any, especially if you had to make a similar choice.
Post # 3
@BruinBeeMPH: Why not have a bit of both? Have the small but fancy DW and then have a bigger, more casual reception for everyone that couldn’t make it? FI and I are not doing a destination, but we’re having two “weddings” on the same day bc we both wanted our real, legal ceremony to be with only the people closest to us.
Post # 4
@bkrocks13: we did think about doing that, but then the “casual” reception budget kept climbing and so we scrapped that idea. Plus, it’s more important that the TTCers be there for the REAL wedding instead of the reception. Literally half of our wedding party is TTC. I’ve known my MOH since I was 2, it is absolutely crucial that she is there. I know the solution is to just have the wedding at home but I’m already having anxiety about the cost and the stress of planning. I think I’ll just have to suck it up.
Post # 5
Could you do a mini destination wedding with that same group of people that wouldn’t require flying? I assume that a 2-3 hour road trip while in late pregnancy would be possible, right? There are plenty of gorgeous beaches within that distance of Los Angeles, and plenty of luxury hotels.
I realize this wouldn’t limit your guest list the way you want as much as a long flight would, but I’m guessing that with such a tight budget you weren’t planning to invite everyone and just hope they’d rsvp no- so it shouldn’t make a big difference.
Post # 6
@kgirl91: I did think about Santa Barbara and San Diego. I just don’t think very many people would decline. We come from huge, party loving families. My mom and I made out the guest list for our side and it was 65 people, including only the people we absolutely HAD to invite. I asked her how many of those people she thought would decline and she laughed at me. Nobody is going to say no, even with travel. In fact I wasn’t even planning on inviting people to Hawaii for fear that I’d end up with 100 people! And that’s just my family. FI’s is bigger. If they’re all going to come anyway, we might as well do it close to home and save ourselves flight and hotel costs.
I also considered going way over budget. It isn’t exactly that we can’t raise the budget, more that it seems insane to pay so much money for one day. The budget that we have set is based on the money the two of is plan to contribute. We don’t plan on asking our parents to pay for anything but my guess is that they’re going to offer. We aren’t planning on reserving a venue or anything for a few more months so I should just be patient but I feel like the situation is completely out of my control and that’s something I have a hard time dealing with.
Post # 7
Personally I wouldn’t sacrifice my dream wedding for anyone TTC. It’s YOUR & your FIANCE’S big day! Celebrate the way you’d want to! You can always have something casual and low key when you return if the prego’s can’t make it.
Have the wedding in Hawaii and have a good time! Hawaii is beyond gorgeous and I’d have LOVED to have my wedding there.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@BruinBeeMPH: Short answer no. Long answer maybe. It depends on how much you want these guests to attend your wedding. Planning a DW inherently means that a large portion of your guests most likely won’t be able to go, be it issues with money or taking time off or other commitments. If you’re okay with that then do it. If not, there are plenty of ways to save money, you just have to scale back the wedding.
Having an inexpensive wedding doesn’t mean it has to look cheap, it just means you need more time to plan so you can research more vendors and DIY some stuff. I highly recommend reading the book Bridal Bargains to get an idea of where you can cut your budget without looking cheap. The best thing we did was stop thinking about our wedding as a lavish affair with no expense spared and started thinking about our wedding as a fun, casual backyard BBQ that we happen to get married at. None of our guests has complained about us scaling back and in fact most react very positively when we mention how laid back the wedding is going to be.
Post # 9
@BruinBeeMPH: I think it’s sweet of you to be considerate about the others coming to your DW. I assume there’s no way you could move up the date?
I think you should have the wedding you want to have. I think you will be unhappy if you try to plan a wedding in your area and potentially go over budget, or end up with a bunch of extra guests. I really empathize because in our planning I’ve noticed that once I invite B family member I’m close to it means I have to invite A, C, and D members too… the guest list creep is a real thing! And that can have real implications if you’re getting married in an expensive area. If you want a smaller, more intimate wedding, I think you should try to stick to that or you’ll cause more stress down the line.
It may be that some important people aren’t able to travel when you have your date, but honestly I think you’ve done what you can to give them a heads up and they have done the same for you. Everyone is aware of the other’s plans, and are aware of the risks. I hope it all works out for you!
Post # 10
Could you push the wedding up a bit? I’m guessing no one is pregnant yet! could you have it in the next 6 months in Hawaii?
Or.. You COULD have your small wedding close to home. Don’t want lots of people there? Don’t invite them.
Post # 11
NO. Have the wedding you want because you will regret it down the road. Trust me I am living that right now. See my post in the biggest regrets thread. We canceled our destination wedding because of his parents and had a local wedding. While it was a great day, I’m still not satisfied because it wasn’t what I wanted. Can’t wait to renew our vows on a beach in the islands and get the pictures I envisioned.
Post # 12
@Dancing-in-September: “Could you push the wedding up a bit? I’m guessing no one is pregnant yet! could you have it in the next 6 months in Hawaii?“
I was going to suggest something similar – if it’s that important to you to not only have those friends and family at your wedding but to also have the wedding in Hawaii, why not move the wedding to an earlier date?
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017
I don’t think you should sacrifice the dreams you’ve had for so long over this.
As another pp said, you could maybe either reschedule the wedding (bring it forward or push it back) but the thing is all your friends’ timelines will be different, and the length of time it takes them to conceive will be different, so I don’t think this is really something you can plan around. You’ll just have to let everything fall into place as the date comes closer and just hope for the best. And I’m sure your friends will do everything they can to attend! I think it helps that most/all are 2nd timers, so they’ll know what to expect- like how tired or mobile they’ll be.
Post # 14
@PinkMermaid: I know you’re right, I just can’t imagine my wedding day without my MOH. It would be so weird.
@beachbride1216: thanks for the book suggestion! The other idea I had was renting out a crappy space and renting the supplies to make it look like my dream venue. The hard part is that I wanted a garden or beach ceremony so that’s a little harder to fake 🙂
@LePetitJambon: yes! That’s exactly it. My FI’s immediate family is about 12 but if you add in his aunts, uncles, and cousins it goes from 12 to 100. I have a ton of step siblings who all have families and I was planning not to invite any of them but I know it hurts my step dad and they would all probably be very offended. But there’s not much I can do about that.
@Mischka: we can’t really move it up because we’re still in the process of saving. I should be getting a huge promotion by the end of this month and my FI has some bonuses he’s counting on. If we can figure out a way to have the wedding in 2014 I’m totally down but I’m not sure it’ll be possible.
@WestieGirl: I don’t want to regret the wedding I didn’t have, but I also don’t want to regret not having my MOH there. I’m trying to decide which I would regret more.
@MrsYoshida: you said almost exactly what my FI said. I’m sure they would do everything possible to be there but I totally wouldn’t blame anyone for opting not to take a 6 hour flight with an infant and a toddler.
Post # 15
@PinkMermaid: + 1
I wouldn’t change my wedding plans for people who are TTC. What if they aren’t successful straight away? Are you going to wait until they’ve all conceived and given birth. As you have given them plenty of warning of when the wedding is, it is up to them whether or not they TTC during the months that might affect them. I think if it was their first child then I may be more understanding but as it is a second for each of them, not as much.
Post # 16
One thing is a known, you are getting married. One thing is unknown, you dunno if they are going to get pregant. Just because someone hopes to get pregant doesnt mean they will. It could take a while, it may never happen, or it coul dhappen suddenly.
I wouldn’t postpone my wedding on a what if. Not this anyway. If someoen close to me were going to die, thats different.