(Closed) Should I let it go? How to let go of someone you thought was the one?

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1445 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It sounds like you have already made up your mind, and at this point, I think it is best to break your ties. I know it is going to be rough. I’ve never been in your situation, so I can’t really give you advice on how to make it easier, but I want to wish you the best of luck.

Post # 4
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been there. He didn’t cheat, but he just didn’t try anymore.  We fought all the time, and he mentally abused me for a long time.  When we were in the middle of a fight one day I saw a flash in my eyes of 5, 10 years down the road, still living in the apartment in his mom’s basement, with a baby on my hip and him still yelling at me about getting the dishes done and dinner on the table (btw, I was in college, not living with him and visiting on the weekends and I heard this all the time) and I realized I couldn’t do it anymore.  It took another 3 or 4 months, but I finally got the courage to walk away. 2 years later I found the man who treats me like I should be treated, and often wonder why it’s so easy this time.

If you aren’t hapy, don’t stay. If he doesn’t make you feel like you are the only one in the world, he isn’t worth it! You deserve better!

EDIT: We were dating for 5 years, and I had seen these signs from about the 2 to 3 year mark… It only gets harder the longer you stay.

Post # 5
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I had to let it go with my high school sweetheart – both he and his loud parents wanted me to be someone I’m not, and obviously you do a lot of growing up and figuring out who you are in that time period. When I left he was shocked – he thought that the way we were operating and the way he was treating me like a subservient woman who would always stay no matter what was fine. And while it sucked for a hot minute, my actual longest-lasting feeling was relief… that I dodged a bullet. Things just changed and there was no going back.

I started dating my husband a few months later… we dated all through college and took it slow, and were just married after graduation over a year ago. It’s just so easy and he respects me more than I’ve ever felt – there is someone out there who will support and respect you too! I am impressed with you for not settling for someone who you know it’s not perfect with.

Post # 6
391 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am divorced and had a LTR after. In both relationships, I thought I got it right. My divorce was tougher as it was my first serious relationship. When I was about to graduate from college, he moved out and couldn’t tell me where he moved to.

The fact he left me at a pivotal time in my life made it easier. Also, he cheated on me. I found out from knowing his password, and saw he had been chatting with ladies and lying about being married. He even said that he had an ex that was a roommate (3 months before we officially broke up!). He put me down a lot and he kept on chiding how my college degree wouldn’t amount to anything. He expected his food cooked and his clothes washed when he came home. He’d brag about how he was making $40K when I was still in college making less than $20K. He made it easy to hate him, but I couldn’t really let it go until my anger subsided. I couldn’t do a thing to have changed his mind. I thought being a Marine would give him a better sense of personal honor. Guess not.

But when I was able to let go of my anger, I was also able to let go of the fact that there’s nothing left to be said. I stopped all contact with him after the divorce and stopped wondering about him. For all I know…he is probably still in college or dropped out while I’m now a professor. In the case of being a “strong and smart” woman, I think that relationship emcompassed how inadequate he must have felt and kept on acting as if he were the smarter and more clever counterpart.

The LTR after my divorce dissipated over time. He also cheated on me. And I used to wonder why I  kept on committing myself to cheating men. One of the markers I looked for was respect for women. Ironically, it’s a really hard thing to have in a man. Both exes had poor relationships with their mothers. Their mothers both abandoned them in some way, and they had a hard time completing menial household tasks on their own. They both demeaned me verbally. And funnily enough, they were both my height and short for men.

I let that one go over time. He cheated on me while I was mourning my grandpa’s death. When I saw the signs of infidelity, I knew we were done. He would argue and complain every inch if I tried to even suggest couple’s counseling. He proved to be not worth one ounce of what I had given him. Even after the breakup, I gave him respect and dignity by not communicating with him, especially when he was dating the girl he left me for. It made it much easier for me to move on.

So two things that I’ve learned over the past decade about “letting go”:

1. Forgive yourself for being angry. Anger is normal, but don’t take it out on him because it wouldn’t have changed the outcome. I spent months trying. Exercise, take boxing, do yoga (that’s what I did to take out the negative energy).

2. Respect yourself by initiating no contact whatsoever. You’ll find that your life is much more fullfilling without their toxic presence.

I wish you the very best, OP.

Post # 7
9649 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am in a similar situation, fighting all the time, being the only one trying to fix the relationship, him avoiding talking about problems, etc. Although I didn’t have the cheating situation like you have. I haven’t been able to figure out what I should do, and can’t think of any good advice for you, I just hope you can be happy and either your relationship improves or you find happiness on your own, i wish you the best 🙂

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