- 5 years ago
- Wedding: November 2013
Ok, this will be a tad long… Back when Fiance and I were first together, we had a conversation about various crushes we’d had. He briefly brought up one person I had been aquainted with and (up to that moment) liked just fine.
I asked right then if anything had gone on or if there was interest on either side. He said nothing ever happened between them, and he hadn’t been interested in her and never got the impression that she was either. He said they’d met and hung out in a group setting a couple of times and had messaged here and there on FB – nothing flirtatious on either side, just “shooting the sh*t” as he put it) but it bothered me that he brought her up in that crush conversation. So much, that ever since that conversation ages ago I have had a big time issue with her, even after multiple exhausting fights during which Fiance has sworn to me up and down that he doesn’t find her attractive whatsover and nothing ever happened with her (in fact, during the time they were talking – which was brief, like as in a month or so, and a few weeks before we got together, after which he just about stopped messaging her altogether – he was just getting over a previous thing).
I believe him when he says that nothing happened. I just hate that anytime she posts on FB I find myself getting anxious (I am an anxious person anyway) and if Fiance likes one of her statuses or comments (which he told me he doesn’t even do anymore because he knows it’ll upset me – he says that makes him feel slightly controlled and resentful but figures the alternative isn’t worth it) I have gotten angry or said snarky things to him about her. I even hid her from my feed for a while and now when she posts I just try and ignore it…
Just last night FI & I were having a discussion over opposite sex friends – there are people he would feel uncomfortable with me talking to, and vice versa (mostly people we have had histories with, no reason for either of us to do so and we don’t) and it led to another argument about the above mentioned female. During the conversation we were having last night he said he knows that she is one of the people I feel I would not be comfortable with him talking or hanging out with. I asked more questions and he said he felt they “clicked” on a friendship level way back then and when I got upset over that he brought up a male friend I’ve talked to online (never met) for years that I always said was my best male friend because he and I really “got” each other. Ok, point made… I rarely talk to this male friend anymore, because we are now both in relationships and well, life happens.
He even said last night the only reason he even thought to mention her in the original crush conversation was because he’d been recently talking to her, but said he didn’t mean her mention as a way of saying he’d had a crush, just the most recent female he’d been talking to. When I asked if he could understand then, why his misuse of the context had stuck in my brain for so long, he said yes, but that was not his intention at all.
Anyway, I asked Fiance if he felt like he and I “clicked”. He got frustrated and said “YES…on MANY levels”. I asked if I’d never entered the picture would he have ended up with said female aqauintance. He said no, he never found her attractive and they didn’t have much in common anyhow. I said “you don’t have to necessarily start off thinking someone is attractive” but he was with someone he didn’t love nor was attracted to for years and he said after that, never again. He tells me all the time how hot/beautiful/fit, etc I am and says I am the best thing that’s ever happened to him.
He does not and has not talked to this person in any messaging capacity since a few weeks after we got together. I believe this. He mostly tries to soothe me when I get this way but I get it when he gets frustrated, having the same fight over someone he says nothing ever happened with, they were friends for a brief time and then I came along and we fell in love.
Sorry for being so long winded and I know someone will point out that I have low self esteem (I am currently in therapy and Fiance has said he does notice an improvement over my jealousy/esteem issues) but, here’s my question – should I just let this one go already? How do I not cringe everytime she posts something and feel anxious over FI? It makes both my head and my heart hurt…