Post # 16
ramengirl : Oh, Bee – that last description of him rejecting you for your “purity”…that sounds like my boyfriend from college. I don’t know how it makes you feel, but I remember feeling unattractive and not desirable, and it did a number on my self-image. Please know, it’s him, not you.
FWIW, I was head over heels for that guy, but broke it off with him bc of how he treated me. Took me a long time to get over him. But I’m so glad that I did. It’s so worth it being with someone who makes you feel good and wanted.
Post # 17
It’s only going to get worse. Sorry bee, that’d be a no from me.
Post # 18
Waiting to have sex while he jacks it with porn is such a contradiction to me. I think porn and premarital sex are perfectly normal, but it’s that he’s mentally amping up with super sex (probably why affection doesn’t mean anything to him anymore because porn is a put-on, exaggerated show) while thinking having actual sex isn’t right . . . psychologically and physically confusing. For sure he’s addicted and will be pretty desensitized, depending on how frequently he masturbates.
Definitely need to step back and let him sort through it, or go to counseling about this with him.
UPDATE: Just read about his idea of “purity.” He’s got some fucked up ideas of sex. That’s gold for a therapist. Get him in it if you want to stay with him after postponing/calling it off.
Post # 19
“He rejected me and said it was for my purity.” Barf. This is more than just a lack of passion (which is also reason enough to not go through with it). Just all around, no.
Post # 20
I hope you don’t go through with it. Don’t settle for someone who sounds only half-interested because you’re afraid to be alone. (No hate on you, girl. Most of us don’t like/are afraid of being alone).
At the end of the day, no partner is perfect. I am head over for my SO, even on our bad days, but he also makes me feel attractive, loved, appreciated, and heard. That’s what you should feel. If you aren’t feeling that way now, it’s time to move on.
Post # 21
Would you buy a car without taking it on a test drive? I would never marry a man without being intimate with him and experiencing physical compatibility.
If he is obsessed with porn and is a virgin, chances are that he is going to have VERY UNREALISTIC expectations from sex annd setting himself up for a very sore disappointment and an unsatisfactory marriage.
Post # 22
It is so far past time for you to work on YOU. You got out of your abusive marriage and jumped way too soon into yet another totally dysfunctional relationship. Have you stopped and asked yourself why you keep ending up with these fucked up men? Dump the porn addict, get some therapy, and get on with your life. You deserve so much more than this. You know it’s ok to accept more than the bullshit these guys are handing you, right?
Post # 23
if you are happy to have a marriage like your relationship is at the moment then sure thing. go for the marriage. But if you want different type of relationship with intimacy, passion, kissing, caring then you shouldn’t go through with it.
Post # 24
ramengirl : I just read your previous posts. You were married briefly for 8 months. So I don’t understand the purity thing? Did you not consumnate your marriage?
Also you mentioned in your post that “By the time we get married, I’ll have been divorced for over a year. I know the timing is strange, but things have never felt so right, and I have never felt so safe in a relationship. I’m so lucky to be with a kind and faithful man“.
Sounds to me like you’re in a rebound relationship. You were in a bad marriage, exited, and almost immediately went into another relationship. It was all roses for a while and now its falling apart. Do yourself a service and spend some time getting to know and love yourself before making another commitment. You are setting yourself up for failure.
Post # 25
Dude, no, I really hope you aren’t seriously considering marrying him.
MyBF and I are abstaining from sex until marriage too. Its for religious reasons in our case and we’ve talked about it and made the decision together. We also talk about sex and how we feel about it and past experiences and we make out all the time. I would totally not want to marry him if that sexual attraction wasn’t there. Sex is important in marriage and if he’s addicted to porn to the point it’s already affecting your relationship, then idk if he’s capable of having a satisfying sexual relationship with you.
I know youve been planning the wedding and that’s probably don’t want to call it off and all, but don’t marry him if you aren’t sure you want to marry him.
Post # 26
anabolina : thank you for saying you make out all the time lol. it just makes me feel even more certain i’m in the wrong relationship
Post # 27
I don’t think any of us can answer for you. I say that because some people are legitimately happy in sexless marriages. It’s about what is important to you.
Don’t marry him thinking he will change. He won’t. So if you aren’t happy with your relationship, do not marry him.
Post # 28
Post # 29
Waiting for marriage is your prerogative. BUT it does not sound as if you’re going to have a satisfying sex life with this guy. This is one of those times where you’d really wanna take this car for a test drive before signing the papers.
Post # 30
Physical intimacy and sexual satisfaction are important to me so, no, I could not marry someone as you’ve described.
I agree with PP who suggested this sounds like a rebound relationship. (No judgment–I’m marrying the first man I dated after my divorce.) I don’t understand the “purity” thing if you’re not a virgin. Has he ever slept with a woman or is his sexual experience limited to porn?
Don’t wait until your wedding day to cancel this–if you know it’s wrong pull the plug before people have traveled to celebrate with you. It will be so much easier for you and for everyone else.