- 2 years ago
This is going to be really long. I’m sorry!
I know this forum mainly consists of women but I think everyone here has boyfriends/fiances/husbands they could ask, and I love this community during my wedding planning.
So I met my husband when I was 23, he was my friend boyfriend. We dated for 2 years, engaged for 1, and recently just got married last June, which means we haven’t even been married for a year yet. My husband is 32 now.
Since the beginning of our relationship, we’ve dealt with the same issues we still deal with today. And because he works out of town, we really only see each other 3-4 times a month for the entire duration of our relationship. Our problems are mainly just personality differences, we don’t share as many common interests, and we handle conflict quite differently. But just to clarify, we both love each other very much. We were both always committed at the very beginning to make this work and although we don’t have many hobbies together, we can talk for hours and hours. We are truly best friends.
The wedding planning was really stressful for the both of us. I was a full-time student and working part-time, he was a full-time employee but doing his MBA part-time and all the while, we saw each other maybe 2-3 times a month during our engagement. I know he absolutely hates planning so we divided up tasks, he basically just had to get the cake, his tuxedo, and officiant. I promised to handle the rest. For my husband, when he gets stressed, he kind of shuts down and breaks his end of the deal. So basically, he didn’t get any of his stuff done and I ended up planning the entire wedding myself. There were several moments during the engagement I asked for the wedding to be postponed just because it seemed like we had too much going on and I really did want to enjoy the process but he was adamant on pushing through it.
Now it’s 8 months after the wedding, we still occasionally fight about how he doesn’t do what he promises and how I’ll always want to “cancel” something because it appears like he’s too busy to care for it. For example, if we have a trip coming up, I’ll ask him to just make a list of things he might want to do or a list of things he won’t want to do, just so that I have an idea of how to plan it. But he’ll never give me the list and I’ll just feel like I planned the whole thing by myself and then when we go on the trip, he gets upset that the trip wasn’t planned the way he would’ve liked. And when that happens, it really sets me off because it feels like nothing I do is appreciated.
He is all around a great guy but I do feel like perhaps we lack the skills to be in a mature relationship.
Anyway, fast forward to today. My husband wants to separate. The law in Canada is that if there are no grounds for a divorce (no abuse, no cheating…) then you must be separated for 1 year before the court will grant a divorce. During this time, I want to work on our relationship and go to couple’s counseling. I love him very much and I take my vows very seriously.
My husband, on the other hand, DOESN’T KNOW if he wants to work on the marriage. He says he is confused and angry that the relationship has gotten to this point and he is not sure if he wants to work on the marriage or just let it die. He says he needs time to think about it.
I don’t understand how he doesn’t know, but that’s beside the point. He wanted like an indefinite time but I thought that was unfair to me. So we agreed on giving him 3 months to come to a conclusion as to whether or not he wants to work on the relationship.
During this time, he wants to “be friends” and remain in contact. I didn’t think this was a good idea and told him that unless there is a really good reason why we need to talk, I think he should just be alone with his thoughts.
I’m having second thoughts now, would not being in contact with him force him to feel like I don’t care about him? What do you guys think he’s thinking about? And have you guys ever experienced this, where a guy needs to think about whether or not he wants the relationship? Any advice would be super helpful!