Should I minimize contact with my husband? Has this happened to anyone else?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1114 posts
Bumble bee

Just focus on you. Don’t worry about him or his feelings. It sounds like you tried your best to make things work, by asking questions about his preferences, whereas all he does is complain without taking action. If you want to go to therapy do it for you. If you never want to talk to him again then block him number, delete his texts, and move on with your life. 

Post # 3
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

throwaway0803 :  oh bee, I have no advice really. Just wanted to say I’m really sorry this is happening. I do think a period of no contact would be good so you can process things and maybe seek some counselling on your own? At the end of the day you deserve someone who is prepared to work through tough times with you. Love is a big part but commitment and resilience are just as important. Big hugs x 

Post # 4
12472 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

He may not know what he wants but you can take control of your own life. I’d make counseling a requirement for any contact at all during this time and pursue it on your own. Nothing you’ve mentioned sounds like true deal breakers, but if H does not want to even try, you can’t force him. 

Post # 5
9536 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

you guys really don’t seem like a partnership in any way shape or form, from what you’ve described.  It sounds like you put in all the work and he just complains..   Also, you’ve technically been seperated this entire time.  You pay rent for different places, which is plenty to prove that.  Seeing each other a couple times a month does not negate this.

“you can begin the application process as soon as you and your spouse are separated. However, the courts will not grant you a divorce, until the full one year separation has been completed.”

A relationship, a marriage, can be so much better than this.  Having a friend you talk to a few times a month and can’t rely on is fine.. but do you really want a marraige with such a person?  Especially since they don’t want one with you?  Why are you waiting around for him, giving him time to think about if he wants to put in some effort for you or not?  Find someone who will meet you halfway from day 1.

Out of curiosity: is a lot of your ‘talking for hours’ listening to him unburden?  

Post # 6
4658 posts
Honey bee

So what exactly is different about your life during this just “being friends” period?  He won’t come home a couple times a month?  You don’t plan trips he gets mad about?  Because otherwise it doesn’t sound a whole lot different than what you got now except that he gets to shirk any married responsibility so you can be “friends” but the minute you “nag” him or expect him to take care of something (say a joint bill, home repair, etc.) he gets to cry foul that you aren’t respecting his distance.

He couldn’t even make effort or any sort of decision about cake or what he would like to do on a vacation…what makes you think he’s capable of deciding what he wants in this marriage or putting in any sort of effort to help repair it?  I mean, he couldn’t handle his own clothing or cake, for chrissake.  Cake.  But yeah, he’ll totally get his shit together to actually do something about your marriage.

I think a break means an actual break.  You can’t get the distance and clarity you need if you’re still enmeshed in it.  No matter what you do, you need to have distinct criteria for what this break means and how you will end it – how long, what are the requirements to end it, exactly how and when is contact ok, etc.

Post # 7
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

He sounds lazy. He doesn’t want to contribute to anything but complains about the outcome? Urgh. Are you still attracted to these traits? Is that something you want to be around long term? Marriage breakups are hard but being with someone who just doesn’t seem to GAF for the long haul would be awfully tedious.. I’m pretty sure you deserve way better. 

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