(Closed) Should I move on?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wederly:  Hugs!  I’m so sorry you’re having to face this, I know it must be a very tough decision.  However, for your own sanity and safety I think it’s time you let go of this relationship.

Post # 6
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t know how to answer this question for you except that my friends make lots of racist comments (about “my people”) but are still good friends to me.  For that reason, I don’t cut them out.  They also arent in any sort of organizations or anything and don’t associate themselves with bad and truly racist people like that.  So, it’s hard to say if one of them did, what I would do. 

I would suggest talking to her first.  Say you understand how hurt she is but that you don’t think it’s healthy for her or for you guys as friends for her to be surrounding herself with these types of people.  Ask her to reconsider her ties to these people and explain to her how much it hurts you.  Then give her some time to think and change her ways. 

Your wedding isn’t for another year, so you have time to see if she’ll change.  If she doesn’t, then bring it up again and tell her that you previously spoke to her about how hurt you are by her ties with these racist people and that you can’t resolve those feelings with your friendship.  If you give her a warning and some time to change and fix things and she still doesn’t, then I think it’s in your right to move on from the friendship. 

Post # 7
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

You could tell her you’ve had a change in plans to a much smaller wedding.  Now that she lives far away she may be relieved to not participate.  At least you have some time before the wedding to decide.  Or you could have her attend (send an invite with no plus one) but not have her act as your Maid/Matron of Honor after all.

It’s a tough situation, I’m not sure what I would do, but I certainly agree with you that her ties with racist people are completely unacceptable.

You could explain that while you were a child in school you accepted her associations because you didn’t know better and valued her friendship, but as an adult your values have changed and you realize her lifestyle is not acceptable to you now.

In fact, I’m sure you’re worried about her safety being around people like that, as well.

If you decide to include her you could break ties afterwards.  I hope this works out ok for you, I really wish you the best. 

Post # 8
Member
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

If you disinvite her, I think you need to be 100% honest with her as to why you are doing so.  I really don’t think she “gets it” or she wouldn’t be so closely alligned with these people.  You need to tell her that her behavior is hurtful and racist.  She may not change, (and probably won’t, since she seems to consider these people not only friends, but also boyfriend material – boy do I hope they don’t have children to spread their poison to!), but she sure as heck won’t if she doesn’t realize there is a problem.  If you tell her you decided to just do family, she would go on thinking that THAT is the reason she was no longer invited, instead of the fact that it was a reflection on her own behavior and lifestyle.

Post # 9
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t lie to her and tell her she’s uninvited because she’s not family. I think you should tell her the truth regarding your feeling and how worried you are for her. Just out of curiosity, was her father’s killer of a different race? I ask because if so, this might add fuel to the fire meaning her rage against minorities is likely to increase.

Post # 11
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I sort of understand how you feel – I struggled for years because my high school best friend made incredibly racist “jokes” and comments. Her father is very racist and she grew up with a lot of terrible influences, she claimed not to be a racist herself but really enjoyed making “outrageous remarks.” The day my ex-best friend made racist “jokes” in public and humiliated me in front of my new friends was the last day of our friendship. It was a difficult choice and stressed me out until the moment after I did it – but relief took over and it felt right. I don’t miss her. She was embarrassing and small-minded and I don’t want to be associated with her disgusting remarks.

I’m white, though, so I can’t fully relate to how you must feel!

Post # 12
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@wederly:  I hope you guys can work something out. She must be so confused from growing up in such hateful environment. She is probably still mourning and needs some closure so associating with his “friends” might be helping her grieve his death or she probably wants to make him proud…..

Post # 13
Member
1695 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I just don’t think I could be friends w/someone like this.  I understand that you love and care about her, but it seems like staying friends w/her has caused you a lot of heartache.  I  hope you figure out what to do.

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