Should I not want my fiance's sisters to stay with us for 3 months for holiday

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
661 posts
Busy bee

They are free to come to Australia for as long as they want if they want to pay for the trip, find and pay for lodging/food/etc. Unfortunately, you’re not the first person to post about something like this from the Ukraine. I love my personal space – a lifetime of housing freeloading relatives would be a hard no for me, and a dealbreaker if my fiance had an issue with it. 

Post # 3
Member
47188 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The two of you need to talk. If they are both unemployed, who is going to pay or their flights to Australia? They obviously won’t have spending money for even a short holiday. You will be feeding, sheltering and entertaining them for 3 months.

3 months is way too long a stay for me. You know the old saying “Guests,like fish, start to smell after 3 days.”

Post # 4
Member
43 posts
Newbee

Just a quick heads-up from an eastern-european: views on “family” are a bit different over there, such that to everyone I know it would be unthinkable to suggest they pay for their own lodgings if you at all have room. It’s not a freeloading situation, and everyone I know would also be mortified to have a family member pay for their expenses, so usually it ends up in a reciprocally acceptable outcome where one side offers too much, the other offers in return, and overall no one is slighted. However, if you don’t even offer, no matter how justified you are (it sounds completely justified in your case), you’ll come across as the bad guy who doesn’t value family. Honestly, in your place I would have all the same reservations as you. They don’t sound like the sort of people who would hesitate o take advantage of your generosity. But I imagine in this thread you’ll get a lot of advice along the lines of you owe them nothing and just put your foot down, and I just wanted to give a warning that that may come across as harsher than you intend, on account of differences in cultural norms.

As for your question, what would be your ideal outcome? Do you want them not to come at all? To stay for a shorter time? To stay elsewhere? Figure out what you want, and what you can live with, before you talk to your fiance. Emotionally, would it be terrible if they stayed before the wedding, and left right after so you could have a honeymoon? That would probably be my compromise if I were in your position.

Also, it’s not clear from your post whether having them stay with you would be a burden financially. I realize you don’t want to spend money on in-laws you don’t like, but is it just that, or would having them stay actually undermine your finances? Honestly, if they’re really only coming to Australia once in their lives, and it’s not a financial strain on you, it may be difficult to argue that they shouldn’t stay for a while. On the other hand, if finances are a problem, there’s your out. You can frame it as you would love to help, but you just can’t swing it with the cost of the new home/planning for a family/student loans, whatever. Whatever you decide, when you talk to your fiance, focus on pragmatic concerns, not on your disdain for their lifestyle. These are people that he loves, despite all their failings. Treat them with all the respect they don’t deserve, out of respect for your fiance.

Post # 5
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

lilly1 :  Sorry but you sound judgemental as hell and clearly know zero about the Ukraine. The Ukraine currently has an unemployment rate of 8.8% (compared to Australia at 5.5%) and are still in political and economic crisis according to the world bank. Comparing your standard of living and opportunity in Australia and theirs in the Ukraine and judging them for being unemployed is ridiculous. And I can’t even comment on the ridiculous stereotype of the money-grubbing foreigner out to steal/use you after they see the fabulous way you and your family live compared to their lives. 

Your ethnocentrism is rampant as well. You are choosing to marry someone from a different culture. A culture that has very strong family ties and culture. As pp has said it is not uncommon for family to host other family for longer periods, especially when taking a once in a lifetime trip. They want to come and feel what it is like to be a part of their son/brother’s life. They want to spend time with their son/brother who they probably rarely see and probably also want to get to know their new daughter/sister in-law. 

Honestly between this post and your other post there are a lot of red flags for your partner. You don’t respect him or his family, poor guy.

Post # 6
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t want anyone staying with us for 3 months no matter who they are! 

Post # 7
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee

j_jaye :  

Wow. It doesn’t matter what country they come from, most people would not be happy with their partner’s family living with them for three months, especially since they are unemployed and cannot support themselves. That together with the fake passport and overstaying the visa in China, no wonder she’s concerned about them coming to stay for that long. 

Post # 8
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

lilly1 :  You sound very judgmental, particularly with phrases like ‘proper’ jobs.  It sounds like they do and have worked since leaving university.  The idea that they want to freeload off you seems ridiculous, what are you basing this on? I can’t find anything in your post to suggest that.  You keep mentioning that both sisters are unemployed, but one has a freelance translator job, why are you classing this as not a real job? Freelance careers are just as valid. 

I can see where your Fiance is coming from, while 3 months might be too much it’s typical to spend at least a month if you’re traveling from Europe to Australia.  Your fiance has said that he doesn’t think they would be able to visit again for a considerable number of years, perhaps never again and he clearly wants to make the most of their visit. 

The fake passport stuff doesn’t make sense at all.  How could the sister get a fake passport with her mother’s name, considering she’s traveling with the mother.  Plus i’m not sure if you understand but just because she outstayed her visa in China doesn’t mean her passport isn’t valid or she can’t travel with it to AUS. 

I have worked 2 jobs since I was 18 (I am now 29). I am a hard worker and I feel like their values and mentality might be different to mine and that they don’t really understand what me or my parents have built here and the enormity of it.

You sound very condescending. 

Post # 9
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

julies1949 :  You would expect your FI’s family to fly from the Ukraine to AUS for 3 days? 

Post # 10
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - UK

You seem very judgmental about his sisters. Have you even met them before? Just so you know I have worked in both Australia and several European countries and finding a job in Australia was so increadably easy compared to the European counties. There is a lot of unemployment going on and the mayoraty of unemployed are young people. From what you have said they are having a hard time finding work and so one decided to go to China because there was work there, she liked it and overstayed (probable because she knew that back in Ukraine she could not find work). Then she comes back to Ukraine and cant find work but you judge her for freelancing on the side? Seems to me she is willing to work but just cant find it. There seems to be nothing wrong with her work ethic, just her opportunities.

 

I can understand that having family over for three months seems like a lot, especially in such a small apartment. But if this might be the only time your Fiance gets to have his mother and sisters over, is it really so bad? You get to see your family all the time, he has to deal with your family all the time, is three months of inconvenience really worth taking this away from him?

 

Set up a clear plan with your Fiance, find out what is expected of the two of you financially and what the mother and sister are going to contribute. See if they can stay as much before the wedding as possible that way you can still have your honeymoon. And try not to judge them so much on the fact that they are culturally different and might be poorer then you. I have always found that the poorest people are the most generous and kind. Just get over this idea that they are here to take advantage fo you. 

Post # 11
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee

I would grin and bare it. Yes three months is way too long, but this is likely the only time they will visit you. Does your family live in AUS? Perhaps they could spend some time with your parents if they are open to it for a few weeks in the middle to give you a break. You could ask them to come for the time leading up to the wedding to help organize it, and still take a honeymoon with your fiance after.

Post # 12
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I would be uncomfortable with anyone staying with us for 3 months, I like my personal space. 

If we had to entertain them and feed them, etc. for 3 months, I’d be against it. 

Post # 13
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

If you marry cross culturally, you have to be prepared to compromise on thigns like this.

Who is paying for what? How much can you and Fiance afford to spend on them?

Who will be responsible (legally and financially) if the sister overstays her visa again?

How long would you willingly host them for?

And freelance translation work doesn’t mean you’re unemployed…

Post # 14
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper

If this is normal in your husband’s culture and he’s comfortable with it the two of you are going to have to have a serious conversation about compromise. I wouldn’t want anyone staying with me for three months either, I get it. But, it’s not just your home and these people are going to be your family, too.

Post # 15
Member
1528 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

You do need to talk to your Fiance about this, and both be wlling to compromise. I don’t think you have a realistic view of what life is really like in the Ukraine, but I’m not saying you need to submit to his request. If he wants them to stay that long, they should not have to stay with you that entire time, and you should not have to sacrifice your honeymoon for it.

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