(Closed) Should I pay his debt, am I being used?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 287
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@spiderluv:  hell no. He’s only been your bf for a year. 

Post # 288
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

I didn’t read through all of the responses (I need to get ready for work, but HAD to take the time to answer), but I agree with everyone else.  I think he is a CON MAN.

You’re a smart girl, obviously.  God or your angels or whatever greater power you believe in, is trying to tell you something, which is the reason for all your doubts.

RUN!  People call off weddings every day. Heck, I called off my first wedding two months before the date (this was 35 years ago).  It was sad and embarrassing and I broke someone’s heart.  But I NEVER had a regret about it.  I’ve been married to my husband for 32 years now.  You WILL find a GOOD man, not one who is using you.

I say this as a mom – what I would say to my own daughter.  Please don’t take it as bossy or snarky. DON’T quit your job – it’s the key to better things.  Find one you love, but don’t quit til you have one.  And stop labelling yourself as shy and introverted.  It’s self-fulfilling.  We’re all shy at times.  Just start thinking of yourself as wonderful and happy – that’s self-fulfilling too.  Make an extra effort to meet new people through group activities, the gym – ANYTHING.

 

And most important – GET RID OF HIM!! He’s using you.  And if you’re with someone who’s not right, Mr. Right is never going to be able to find you. 

 

God bless you and good luck.  Please let us know your decision.

Post # 289
Member
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

View original reply
@spiderluv:  yes yes yes get more dating experience!!! im telling you do not marry this guy. itll be a huge mistake!!!! Listen to the bee!!!

Post # 290
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think the fact that you even have to ask your question is a red flag. Follow your gut feeling. You obviously question this decision or you would not have asked it, so you kind of answered your question yourself 🙂

Post # 291
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Hun, I have read a lot of these responses and your additional responses and if you give him the $, he is going to take it and run.  You will end up in divorce.  Him not wanting a pre-nup is the biggest red flag.  Girl, when you get married half your everything becomes his.  HALF.  He could literally get $50,000 from you instead of that $35,000. 

Also, that debt, if it isnt student loans debt I would NEVER help pay anything.  I just took out a 15,000 loan for school a few days ago…guess what I NEVER asked DH to pay any of it.  I set my own payment plan to pay it myself.  I have a little debt. I have NEVER asked him to help pay it.  Its my fault I have it.  Same with him, when he has a little debt he NEVER asks me to help him pay it. 

Now as for love.  If this is your first relationship then you dont need to get married after 8 months. You havent figured out who you are in a relationship yet.  You may know who you are and have a good grasp on that but not as a couple when it comes to sharing your life with someone.  IF you still want to marry this person in 2 years then get married.  But since its your first and you are introverted, hold out. 

Now, him wanting to hurry up and get married in a court house???? Wwwhhhaatttt!!!!  NO! Hell no.  Is that what you want?  I court house wedding?  If no, DONT DO IT. 

He gave you a ring and didnt even propose?  You dont go out on dates? You dont go anywhere?  Are you sure youre even a couple!!??!?!?  How did he pay for that ring?  Probably part of that $35,000 in debt that HE wants YOU to pay for.

 

Bad News babe.

Post # 292
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I don’t expect him to take me out on expensive dates and stuff cuz he can’t  afford it but I still want there to be romance after I get married.

Sooooo he promises to take care of you when you’re married, but can’t afford one night out to dinner at all through your year relationship? 

I can’t believe in 8 pages of advice and your last phrase is “after I get married”

Post # 293
Member
534 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
@BellaDee:  I hope she said “after I get married” as a general statement, and not that she means “after I marry him”. Marrying him would ensure her a life of regret, loneliness, and lack of romance, at least until they divorced. He is not the one for her.

Post # 294
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would not pay off that debt in one lump sum.  I agree with other posters that he will just accumulate more debt if you pay it off for him.

I would be more comfortable with moving in and helping with household expenses while allowing him to pay off more towards his debt.  By making his own payments and seeing the balance go down, I think he will learn more about fiscal responsibility.  

I would also be concerned that he asked you to pay it off entirely.  After graduate school, I had about $5000 of credit card debt that I had accumulated over the course of two years (on top of student loans).  Even though I was very frugal with money, I was not able to work full-time due to internships and my course schedule.  However, I told my DH about it and considered it “my” debt.  Even though we are married now, I take responsibility for it since I am the one who spent the money (before we were married).  I will finish paying it off in January!  

I gave my story just to add another perspective.  I would definitely recommend taking finance classes (like Dave Ramsey, etc…)

Post # 295
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You are a smart girl. You know deep down in your heart that this guy is using you.

You asked in one of your updates what true love feels like? True love is being with someone who, at least in my opinion, makes you the best verision of you that you can be. This guy isn’t that. A man who truly loves you would not be asking you for 35k, refusing to sign a prenup, not taking you out at all and he would have really proposed to you!

You also asked in a previous post if the opinion was that this would end in divorce. My honest opinion, probably.

Please listen to your family and the advice of all of the bees here. We all want what is best for you and none of us think this is it. You sound like a wonderful person and this man doesn’t deserve you.

 

Post # 296
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@jesssamesssa:  I just did the math. If she gives him 35k now, marries and has to give him 50%. She will lose at least 67k total. She would very likely have less than 30k left!

Post # 297
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This will be my last comment i promise!!!  You know what OP? Tell him to go to the bank and tell them that they are being difficult because they won’t extend him a loan. Tell him to tell them that he doesn’t want to sign a promissory note because only “modern” people do sign loan contracts. They will laugh his trifling ass right out of the bank.

You are not a certified lender. you are not a Bank ofAmerica, Chase, Citibank, or TD Bank. If THEY won’t give him cash because they dont trust him, then WHY IN THE HELL would YOU give him some?? Think sister! WAKE UP AND THINK DAMNIT!

In spanish -NO

In Swahili- NO

In Chinese- NO

In Hebrew- NO

In Portugese- HELL NO

 

I am 25 just like you! As someone your age, I am telling you to MOVE ON from this douchebag!!!

Post # 298
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
@beemyname: I sure hope she rethinks this. :/ Im sure hes done the math….

Post # 299
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP I hope you take the advice of all the Bees that took the time to help you out, you’ve received some sound advice. This man clearly has plans for the money you worked hard for and doesn’t sound like he has anything to give you in return. You’re not even sure of his love and that’s free!

Post # 300
Member
9941 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@spiderluv:  Everything I’ve read here points to numerous red flags and warning signs that this man is using you for your money.  And your gut is telling you to pay attention.

Here is a test for him:  Tell him you will not pay his debt off, period.  Tell him you won’t marry him without a prenup agreement drawn up by a lawyer.  See how quickly he backs out of the wedding and then you’ll have your answer.

My husband had debt before we were married and would never, ever in a million, trillion years ever have asked anyone to pay it off for him.  It wasn’t even his debt entirely, it was his ex-wife’s.  He still paid it himself because he has integrity, character and is a good and honest man.  Sounds like the polar opposite of this guy you’re thinking of marrying. 

Hon, you deserve so much better.  Please don’t fall for this guy’s scam.

Post # 301
Member
207 posts
Helper bee

Oh my goodness OP! I hope that you had a good nights rest and you feel better about this situation… When my mom married my EX-stepdad she had similar red flags but wanted to be in love & happy so badly that she ignore it all.

He got my mom to:

-Buy herself an engagement ring ($7k)

-Pay all the bills

-Buy a harley

-Buy a motorhome

-Buy a hot tub

-Renovate a house

-Brand new truck & trailer

-Take MULTIPLE trips… INCLUDING a trip with his two girls MONTH’s before she found out he was cheating on her (he was cheating all along!)

Needless to say, she’s still paying on some of this stuff. What’s even crazier is he did all of this without ever getting his name on her checking account. It was all the persuasion. He convinced her he loved her & that they were in love, and she just wanted to be happy, so she ignored all the red flags!

IF you don’t walk, I would force him to sign a pre-nup and not pay the debt. I would contribute your fair share of bills and nothing more. Give it some time & see how it goes. Make him have a plan together…

But honestly, I would walk. You’re successful girl & it sounds like you are naive. You WILL find love. Love that makes you not think twice, that makes you feel head-over heels in love. That’s what you DESERVE. 

IMO, this early into the relationship you should feel complete bliss & infatuation, the fact that you don’t tells me that in your gut you know it’s not real/somethings not right.

Another thing – listen to your family. They have your best at heart & can often see things that you can’t. I highly doubt your family doesn’t want you to be happy & are just saying “Nooo” because they are jealous.

 

Best of luck! *Hugs!*

 

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