- 6 years ago
Both my boyfriend and I are in 2-year master’s degree programs. He’s in NYC, I am in Chicago. We’ll graduate at the same time. We’ve been dating since 2007: LDR for 3 years, lived in the same city for 2, and then lived together for 2. Have discussed the future and is aware of my terms (for example, no living together post-grad unless there’s an engagement, etc.).
A lot of my masters degree program focuses on career recruiting. Problem is, prioritizing “me” leads to different jobs, companies, and maybe even locations than prioritizing “we”. There are very few overlaps that work great for me + us. He is very very likely to stay in NYC (which is fine, I prefer to move there, do not wish to stay in Chicago).
If I only go for what I want, I’d probably end up in SF, San Diego, and mayyyybe NYC. If I prioritize “we”, then I lose my chance with any non-NYC locations/companies. I already need to make choices – do I go on the career trip to SF or NYC? I’d personally prefer the SF ones, but then, NYC is better for “we”.
Every couple weeks, I start panicking. I have been actively chosing WE when “WE” are not officially/publically anything but boyfriend and girlfriend! WE are apart for 2 years. WE means he gets his dream job/location and I struggle to get a job at the ONE company I’d target there (or I just take something I’m not so excited about – Plan B).
I’m getting resentful because I am spending thousands of dollars…so that I can get a job in the city he’s in. What is that!? The worst part of this is, I feel like if I had a public commitment/an engagement, I would not feel as bad about taking on Plan B. Every time I tell him about this “cognitive dissonance”, he basically says, “do you really want me to show you my cards?” (reveal timeline, give away surprises).
It also bothers me that every other woman in my class that had a Partner before coming here IS engaged. Their guys/gals decided they were worth “locking down” before they went away for two years. I was not, but I am basically being asked to prioritize “we” over “me” (without him saying this directly). Help!