Should I push my husband to go to the funeral?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I think that in this situation, the best course of action is explaining to your husband as clearly as possible, that you will not feel insulted/left out/whatever if he chose to go to the funeral.  However, if he chooses to stay home, you support that decision as well.  Ultimately the decision is up to him, and everybody grieves differently.  There could be many reasons why he doesn’t want to go, and he’s using the animals as an excuse.

Post # 3
Member
1993 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Let him make up his own mind. Every one grieves in different ways. 

Post # 4
Member
4720 posts
Honey bee

It may be that he also doesn’t want to go to the funeral and he’s finding this to be the perfect out without causing drama.  People grieve in their own ways – for some, a funeral isn’t the best way to do that.  I think sometimes with long illnesses in particular, especially dementia, people tend to say goodbye and make peace long before death takes their loved one and the funeral only opens up those wounds.

I would just simply explain what you said here to him one time only – “If you’re concerned I will feel alone or neglected or overwhelmed taking care of the animals I want to assure you that I am just fine with arrangement and I want you to do what is best for you – whether that be go to the funeral to be with your family or stay here.”

And then he makes up his own mind.  Don’t push him.

Post # 6
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Don’t push him. My FI’s grandpa passed last summer and wanted nothing to do with the funeral (in the same town as us) and didn’t go. We disagreed on the situation because I couldn’t have imagined not going to any of my grandparents’ funerals, but he grieves different than I do. 

Post # 7
Member
595 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I’d encourage him to go by saying he may regret one day not being with his family and gathering in her honor. Funerals can be lovely because you never know who beyond the family might show up; friends often bring stories and perspective about your loved one you never would have heard from them. 

Post # 8
Member
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

You can bring it up but I wouldn’t bc the way you’re explaining it sounds a bit pushy and he’s an adult capable of making his own decision. He knows the funeral is coming just like I’m sure he’s aware you can handle the animals for a night. My guess is he doesn’t want to go and helping you is an easier way of excusing his absence. We all grieve differently. I don’t do funerals, sitting around a lifeless body with a group of other sad individuals doesn’t do a damn thing to help process my grief or move forward. He might be similar, he might not but either way he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision and I suggest you let him make it without influence. 

Post # 9
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

annabananabee :  that exactly what I thought. He might not want to go at all, which is his right. OP already said he should and he can make up his own mind whether op “lets” him or not 😛

My hubby ( and myself! ) would possibly rather stay home and be helpful with the property than go to a great grandmother funeral who we haven’t seen in 5 years. If Mother-In-Law is going to pitch a fit, its the husbands problem. 

Post # 10
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

MamaWilson :  You also don’t want it to to end up seeming like he didn’t go to the funeral because you made him stay home with you!  Obviously that’s the opposite of the truth, but it’s a conclusion some extended family could jump to. 

Post # 11
Member
743 posts
Busy bee

Leave it up to him. Everyone grieves differently, and my family aswas never really one to go to funerals. We would do things like bake their favoraite dishes, do a activity together they liked and tell fun stories about them. Let him decide what is best for him.

 

Post # 13
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Don’t push him into going. It’s his decision, and as others have stated, not everybody grieves the same way. Some people see funerals as a way to say good-bye and get closure, but not everyone feels that way. The best thing you can do is stand beside him and support his decision, whether or not he decides to go. My DH’s grandfather passed away last year, and Darling Husband chose not to go to the funeral because he wanted to remember his grandfather as he was when he last saw him. Your husband may feel the same way. At the end of the day, the decision is his and his alone. 

Post # 14
Member
7898 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

You can reassure him of how you’re feeling, but he has to make his own decision about whether or not he goes to the funeral. A greatgrandparent is a lot of degrees of separation, so I can see how he wouldn’t feel strongly about attending just from that standpoint. 

Post # 15
Member
9027 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

MamaWilson :  Aside from the possible reasons pp’s have suggested it might also be that he doesn’t want to go alone. And by that I mean without you, his support person. He might feel that he needs you there as everyone else (mum, dad, grandparents) will be busy with their own grief.

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