Post # 1
I need some help with a sad situation in our family. My husbands great grandmother died two nights ago, she had dementia and we hadn’t seen her in five years because she didn’t remember her grandkids/great grandkids and it would make her upset if she knew she couldn’t remember.
Her funeral is going to be five hours away from us where she lived so all my husbands family is obviously going to go up. My Darling Husband and I live on a farm with his grandparents and if his grandparents go (which of course they would it’s their mother) someone has to watch their donkies/ponies/dog/cat plus our two dogs and plus my in laws dogs next door.
When we were discussing the funeral my Mother-In-Law said, and of course you’re invited (me) we don’t want you to think you aren’t, but then we would just have to ask a neighbor to watch all the animals while we are gone. Well all the family has gone up to plan the funeral so my Darling Husband and I are watching the property and the animals for the week while they are gone planning/visiting family, but my Darling Husband has it in his head that he isn’t going to go to the funeral.
My Darling Husband says he can’t leave me here to watch all the animals, I told him that it’s only one night and that I’m perfectly capable watching 5 dogs and a cat, as for the donkies and ponies I know I can feed them by myself for a night/morning since he would only be gone for a night. But he says he doesn’t want to leave me and wants to stay and help me.
My concern is that he’s worried I will feel left out and neglected, and to make matters worse it is my birthday on the day he would have to travel for the funeral, but I said that I’ve got many more birthdays and I dont mind giving everyone peace of mind and watch their animals so that they can all grieve together. I loved his great grandmother too but the relationship is definitely not the same.
So I don’t know what to do, I appreciate that he’s thinking of me in this time and caring so much about not leaving me alone to care for the animals/alone on my birthday (I don’t speak to my own family), but I also don’t want him to not go and get that opportunity to be there for the rest of his family and that he might stifle his own grief. But I don’t know if pushing him to go and pestering him is the best way to do it?
Should I let him make up his own mind? I just want what’s best for him! I’m sorry this is so long!
Post # 2
I think that in this situation, the best course of action is explaining to your husband as clearly as possible, that you will not feel insulted/left out/whatever if he chose to go to the funeral. However, if he chooses to stay home, you support that decision as well. Ultimately the decision is up to him, and everybody grieves differently. There could be many reasons why he doesn’t want to go, and he’s using the animals as an excuse.
Post # 3
Let him make up his own mind. Every one grieves in different ways.
Post # 4
It may be that he also doesn’t want to go to the funeral and he’s finding this to be the perfect out without causing drama. People grieve in their own ways – for some, a funeral isn’t the best way to do that. I think sometimes with long illnesses in particular, especially dementia, people tend to say goodbye and make peace long before death takes their loved one and the funeral only opens up those wounds.
I would just simply explain what you said here to him one time only – “If you’re concerned I will feel alone or neglected or overwhelmed taking care of the animals I want to assure you that I am just fine with arrangement and I want you to do what is best for you – whether that be go to the funeral to be with your family or stay here.”
And then he makes up his own mind. Don’t push him.
Post # 5
jgargiulo : annabananabee : MrsWiggles : thank you ladies! I explained it to him last night but we had only just found out yesterday and things weren’t 100% official of when the funeral would be. But now that it’s concrete I will bring it up one more time and lay it out but say I support him no matter what he does. I just know his parents and brothers are going and his Mum will be upset if he doesn’t go, so I know that’s an issue. But I don’t want him to have to worry about me in the process!
Post # 6
Don’t push him. My FI’s grandpa passed last summer and wanted nothing to do with the funeral (in the same town as us) and didn’t go. We disagreed on the situation because I couldn’t have imagined not going to any of my grandparents’ funerals, but he grieves different than I do.
Post # 7
I’d encourage him to go by saying he may regret one day not being with his family and gathering in her honor. Funerals can be lovely because you never know who beyond the family might show up; friends often bring stories and perspective about your loved one you never would have heard from them.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course
You can bring it up but I wouldn’t bc the way you’re explaining it sounds a bit pushy and he’s an adult capable of making his own decision. He knows the funeral is coming just like I’m sure he’s aware you can handle the animals for a night. My guess is he doesn’t want to go and helping you is an easier way of excusing his absence. We all grieve differently. I don’t do funerals, sitting around a lifeless body with a group of other sad individuals doesn’t do a damn thing to help process my grief or move forward. He might be similar, he might not but either way he has all the information he needs to make an informed decision and I suggest you let him make it without influence.
Post # 9
annabananabee : that exactly what I thought. He might not want to go at all, which is his right. OP already said he should and he can make up his own mind whether op “lets” him or not 😛
My hubby ( and myself! ) would possibly rather stay home and be helpful with the property than go to a great grandmother funeral who we haven’t seen in 5 years. If Mother-In-Law is going to pitch a fit, its the husbands problem.
Post # 10
MamaWilson : You also don’t want it to to end up seeming like he didn’t go to the funeral because you made him stay home with you! Obviously that’s the opposite of the truth, but it’s a conclusion some extended family could jump to.
Post # 11
Leave it up to him. Everyone grieves differently, and my family aswas never really one to go to funerals. We would do things like bake their favoraite dishes, do a activity together they liked and tell fun stories about them. Let him decide what is best for him.
Post # 12
Boxerlover24 : this is the first time we’ve had to deal with death as a couple, we’ve both lost loved ones either early on or not at all so it could very well be that he doesn’t want to attend the funeral. I for one do not like funerals, they really cause me a lot of anxiety, but I would one hundred percent go to support my husband and his family if needed to.
My Father-In-Law says he thinks I should go, as well as my husband, but he understands that I would probably be more help at home than at the funeral. I know that my grandmother would feel more comfortable with someone she knows watching her animals than asking a neighbor to watch the livestock and sending our dogs to a kennel or something for the time being and I would rather not have her stressed about that, I just want to make this as easy as possible for her.
denkyem : oh I completely understand. And when I discussed this with my Father-In-Law he said, I’m sure granny would be upset if Darling Husband didn’t go, and I said, well at the same time I think she would understand if he decided to stay to care for her property and animals, people can’t have it both ways.
heavenlyflower : thank you, I really felt like I was being pushy and I really didn’t want to be! Like I don’t want him to have any doubt in his mind about whether I would care if he goes or not; but I don’t want to force him. It’s just a bad situation because we have so many animals to look after, I would offer to go to be there for my husband and frankly I would be sad that I couldn’t be there for him, but I would feel selfish going and leaving all the responsibility, and I know there is no shortage of his family members to support him while he’s there
Post # 13
Don’t push him into going. It’s his decision, and as others have stated, not everybody grieves the same way. Some people see funerals as a way to say good-bye and get closure, but not everyone feels that way. The best thing you can do is stand beside him and support his decision, whether or not he decides to go. My DH’s grandfather passed away last year, and Darling Husband chose not to go to the funeral because he wanted to remember his grandfather as he was when he last saw him. Your husband may feel the same way. At the end of the day, the decision is his and his alone.
Post # 14
You can reassure him of how you’re feeling, but he has to make his own decision about whether or not he goes to the funeral. A greatgrandparent is a lot of degrees of separation, so I can see how he wouldn’t feel strongly about attending just from that standpoint.
Post # 15
MamaWilson : Aside from the possible reasons pp’s have suggested it might also be that he doesn’t want to go alone. And by that I mean without you, his support person. He might feel that he needs you there as everyone else (mum, dad, grandparents) will be busy with their own grief.