- 4 years ago
I’ve been fighting internally and decided to let it out and bounce off on others other than my fiance. Warning : Super long read.
First of, I’m 23 and am currently in my 5th semester in my diploma. I come from a Chinese family in a country where our society looks at your status to determine your value as a person. Your status consists of your paycheck, your job, your education, your looks. I have never liked it.
I am in Arts (Illustration to be specific), which my relatives don’t see it of any real importance, it doesn’t earn much therefore it is low class. I have resat subjects, which they think I’m stupid and lazy because I failed. I have quit my studies to work to support myself because of family finacial problems, which they think I’m a quitter. All in all, I don’t hold a good image to my relatives. My family is not great financially. My family hasn’t provided me financially since I was 19.
I don’t know if I should continue studying until I graduate. I have a year left in it, which I know isn’t a long time. I’ve been telling myself repeatedly to go through it, suck it up and continue until I graduate since many months ago when I fell back to depression. I have struggled every day since I started studying Illustration because it’s not what I want to do in life. It brings me absolutely no joy at all and I hate it. I hate myself for choosing this course. I hate myself for taking loans to study and ending up not liking what I’m doing. My health and wellbeing has taken a toll from my studies. I have gained weight from stress binging and barely any hours of sleep. I’ve been falling ill frequently, from major headaches and migraines, to getting coughs, cold, infections.
My fiance is wonderful and has been supportive of my decisions, he worries over me when he sees me stressing out from assignments and sleeping 2-3 hours a day, he doesn’t like that I do this to myself when I’m doing something that doesn’t even make me happy.
I have 2 study loans, one from government, one from relatives, which I will start paying back when I start working, regardless on if I graduate or not. It would be easy if I only had the government loan because if I were to quit now, government wouldn’t care. Whereas, my relatives, I wouldn’t want them to see this as me betraying them.. for not graduating, for not finishing, for not getting a diploma.
I highly doubt they would understand if I told them I’m not happy in it and it’s not what I want, and the struggles I have been going through to make other people quiet. I don’t want them to think I’m quitting because I’m lazy.
I don’t even know if I CAN graduate, because the last year of the diploma is the hardest and my lecturers have all said that it’s going to be very tough for me especially because I have no interest in it and it’s all industry focused. The industry being concept art, comic artists, or photo manipulators. I however, want to do things more like, custom rubber stamps, screen printing, contemporary illustrations.
Even if I were to graduate in Illustration, I won’t be getting a job in this industry because I hate how the industry functions. My lecturers have all advised me to stop and transfer to something else that I want to do. The course isn’t what I expected it to be. It’s very commercial based, they are training us for the industry and I’m not learning that much from it. I want to do illustration that experiments more and its more free in terms of techniques,style, and self expression. Over here, that’s more like the course of Fine arts in my college.
Even if I were to graduate, I would be moving right after to another country and be married and be a housewife. So, I don’t need the diploma. I may just get any part time job or volunteer if I wish. In future, I may consider studying in early childhood education because I love kids and I want to spend time with my future kids. Whatever my choice is, I would be making the choice with my husband and kids as priority, because being a housewife, being a mother, caring for my kids, that’s what makes me happy. I love to cook and bake, and sure, I still love arts, but as a hobby, not as a job.
My fiance and I have agreed that we both want at least one parent figure to be with our children while the other works, we’re fortunate that he has a good job and loves what he does, he would continue that while I care for our family, be it just the two of us for now, or 5 of us in the future.
All in all, I’m conflicted. I want to stop, but I’m afraid to stop. I don’t want to have relatives to think ill of my decision, and think that I’m worthless for quitting..
Tl;dr : Want to quit because I’m unhappy and affecting my health and wellbeing, but afraid to make relatives see me as useless. Won’t be using diploma in future regardless. Should I still stay or make the jump?