Post # 1
I ran into my ex best friend while buying my wedding dress over the weekend. I cut ties with her two years ago because she was constantly putting me down and making me feel bad about myself and I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. I never did explain this to her, so I’ve always wondered if things would have been different had she known. The first year without her was great. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders, I was happier and mentally healthier. But recently it’s been getting a lot harder. I think it’s because I’ve realized I don’t have any friends (not for a lack of trying). I mean I have one or two but I constantly feel lonely and I seriously miss having someone I can always hang out with and do fun things with and talk to. What makes it even more difficult is that she is surrounded by a lot of really close friends, so I don’t think my absence has left that much of a void in her life – of course I can’t know this for sure, but I can imagine it being a little easier when you have a bunch of other friends to lean on. It has been really hard for me not being a part of her wedding, and not having her as a part of mine. Seeing her on the weekend has made me want to text her, and maybe even meet for coffee. I’m not expecting things to go back to the way they were, and I’m not expecting us to even be friends, but it would be nice to not have this huge thing hanging over us.
Everyone I talk to about this says it’s a horrible idea. They know how bad she treated me and how awful she made me feel about myself and they don’t think she’s changed. I did extend an olive branch in the summer and was completely shot down. Which really hurt. I’m not sure if it was because she was drunk, or because she didn’t care, but she did have an opportunity the next day to acknowledge that I was reaching out, which she didn’t take. But I feel like she was so excited to see me and if I don’t message her I’ll always be wondering. But if I do and she isn’t receptive I’ll feel even worse. I have no idea what to do. I feel like part of me has already made my mind up, even though everyone says not to I feel like I’m probably going to text her. I feel like I’m thinking with my heart and not my head. I keep telling myself if she cared she would reach out, but maybe she’s telling herself the same thing and one of us just needs to make the first move? Or maybe she’s not thinking about me at all! Which like I said, would really hurt. I just don’t want her to think I’m coming crawling back begging for her friendship. I have a hard time letting things go, it’s practically impossible for me. But maybe I just need to with this?
What would you do?
Post # 2
The people you’ve already talked to about this are right. It is a terrible idea. An abusive, negative friend is not better than no friend.
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard
Personally, I would let it go. You basically already cut ties for a reason, and I don’t think it’s worth the potential heartache of her being mean again. People typically don’t change and it sounds like she might not even be aware of how mean she was. Otherwise I feel like she would have tried to reach out to you before and/or apologize. Save yourself the heartache and meet new people to be friends with!
Post # 4
Speaking from experience as I had to cut off a best friend. Let it go.
Post # 5
You already left the ball in her court and if she’s not reaching out take it as a blessing. I lost almost my entire group of friends in college because I realized I needed to cut the toxic people out if I ever wanted to actually be happy and not just pretend I was. I was lonely for a while and scared to trust friends again but I’m a much better person than I would have been had I stuck with them as friends and happier for it. Now I known who to trust and when.
I wish them nothing but the best but I also want nothing to do with them.
Post # 6
What do you hope to gain by meeting up with her?
I think your friends are right, I wouldn’t reach out to her. Doesn’t sound like it would change anything.
Post # 7
Agree with your friends and PPs: let it go and don’t reach out. She had a chance to in the past, but she didn’t. You decided to cut ties for a reason–it’s for your wellbeing. Right now you’re just clinging onto what you used to have, a mere happy memory. Usually people like these never change.
You mentioned not having too much close friends. Use your time and energy on these friends. Open your heart to them. I’ve been in the same boat and trust me, I’m much happier now.
Post # 9
Wow, are you me?
What I realized with this friend is that she would always pull me down. She will always make me feel inadequate and she will do the same for everyone else she touches. Not only do I not want to experience the brunt of that, but I don’t want to be a part of that, and by maintaining a friendship I would be.
I don’t have many close friends anymore, and there is something to be said about the intimacy of friendship. However, with these people, it’s easy to get sucked in and trapped. We have an opportunity now to be free – which is actually hard to have – so take advantage of it. I’ve come to understand I’d be better off reigniting old friendships or creating new ones.
Post # 10
It sounds like you’re in a vulnerable place and even if you say you aren’t expecting anything back from her, it sounds like you are. I do think you should have told her what was going on and why you were severing ties with her. At this point, it’s probably better to just move on rather than try to see if it’s possible to rekindle the previous friendship or anything else. At the very least, I would wait until I’d made new friends and had better established myself in a new community of people so that I wasn’t tempted to backslide into hoping for a friendship with her just because I was lonely.
Post # 11
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
It sounds like you want to reach out for the wrong reasons. Planning a wedding can be stressful and it’s often associated as a time to bond with friends and such, but that doesn’t mean you need to drag an ex-bestie into your life again. It was your decision to cut ties, and after getting shot down once already, you want to reach out again? Your friendship may have been strong at one point, but I think that ship has sailed and I say move on. The people who stick around do so for a reason, and the people who don’t serve you for the better can take a hike. You already made this decision before, don’t put yourself in the same position again. If anyone should be reaching out, it’s her—but don’t wait around for that. You do you.
Post # 12
Don’t do it. You cut her out of your life for a reason. You tried reaching out before and she didn’t take the opportunity. She doesn’t want to be your friend, and it sounds like that’s a good thing for you. Don’t put yourself back into a bad environment because you’re lonely. Have you tried MeetUp groups for your area? Taking classes about things you’re interested in to meet other people? There are lots of ways to make new friends who aren’t going to constantly put you down.
Post # 13
Maybe the wedding planning is making you nostalgic for the idea of her friendship rather than the reality of it. Remember why you let her go in the first place and how she responded to your olive branch. Unless you have a valid reason to believe that any of these facts have changed, please don’t allow her courtesy towards you while out in public trick you into thinking there’s something more there.
Post # 14
I reached out to an ex best friend after 2 years. She was not a bad person or mean to me, and we both contributed to the falling out. When I initially called her, I simply called her to apoloize…let bygones be bygones…I accepted that whether she forgave me or not, I had come to terms with what had happened and wanted to be given the opportunity to close the door.
When we hung up she said, ‘talk to you later’.
I didn’t think anything of it and had very low expectations. Months later, we reconnected for lunch and realized that it was like no time had passed between us. It feels like we both know what we did wrong without saying much although she had come right out and said she had cut ties with the negative people in her life and made many other improvements (as have I).
Our ‘break up’ actually led both of us to be better people.
Where your situation is different is that you have said she was mean to you and mistreated you… and when you had extended the olive branch, she brushed it aside and acted callous.
Whether she was drunk or not…she dismissed the opportunity to reached out to you the following day.
That never happened. You’re not in love with her anymore, you’re in love with the idea of her and your loneliness is clouding your judgement.
Although it’s hard, try to focus on what you do have…not what you don’t.
Good luck to you Bee :O)