Should I reach out to my SIL?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
10362 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would reach out. Getting out of an abusive relationship is HARD! And isolating someone from family and friends is Abuse 101 so I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s dealt with that in at least some form and therefore isn’t really aware of the support she could have. She may feel distanced from family and friends and not be sure if they are people she can lean on now. Letting her know you are there if she needs you is the kind thing to do. Plus, the more support she gets now the less likely she will be to go back to that asshole.

Post # 3
Member
9464 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i would reach out and let her know you are there for her and kids and to not hestitate to reach out if there is anything you can do.  but at the same time she may not want to reach out when her world is falling apart.  so i would offer to bring dinner over, watch the kids, etc.  anything to do to be helpful.

Post # 4
Member
8943 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
tulipdazey :  How far away do they live? Could you just go visit? You can be kind and loving, and if she wants to talk about anything she can. 

Post # 6
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

Definitely reach out. She is clearly a strong brave mama for leaving her abusive husband but she will need support.

Post # 7
Member
7522 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“I heard you were staying at MIL’s for awhile. If you need anything, please let DH or me know. Love you!”

Maybe add a “we’re here for you” and leave the ball in her court. Even if she doesn’t respond it can’t hurt for her to know that she has many people in her corner at a very difficult time.

Post # 8
Member
2923 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I would definitely reach out!!!  He sounds like a serious asshole.  She is probably super overwhelmed with two young kids and a recent separation.  Maybe send her a gift card for takeout or something?  Poor thing, I feel so badly for her.

Post # 9
Member
4033 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

View original reply
beethree :  Yes, definitely reach out! I would add “If you need anything, even if you just want to chat, please dont hesitate. W’re here for you, love you!”. And unless she responds with something like “leave me alone”, I would check in much more than usual in the next few months. There were a lot of times in my newly single stage where I felt very alone and although I had a bunch of people who told me to call if I needed anything, I didnt want to burden them with my sob story. reaching out is HARD! so if you know shes struggling, check in lots. It’s really appreaciated!

Post # 10
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would text her. That’s a really crappy situation and I’m sure she could use the support. 

Post # 11
Member
411 posts
Helper bee

Nope! I think the most important detail of your post is that the “story” Mother-In-Law is telling family is that SIL is just getting a change of scenery for a bit. Obviously you know the truth is that she left her husband, but to bring that up by offering (even heartfelt) condolences and offers of assistance is overstepping a boundary of something you shouldn’t even be aware of. 

I have this same issue in DF’s family. His mom (I love her) is a total blabbermouth. Nothing is a secret, even when people tell her not to tell people stuff. Dear Fiance and I are pretty close to her and the least likely to have any drama in our own lives, but we are constantly hearing about one of DF’s brother’s and SIL problem. However we are not supposed to know. Which really puts us in an awkward position. 

If SIL tells you of her own volition of her troubles or if she said something like, I know mom told you guys, blah blah blah, then yes, offer comfort and help. Otherwise mind your own business or she is likely to end up annoyed at you guys and hurt by her mom’s big mouth. 

Post # 12
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I think your text is a good one. It’s vague enough that you’re not saying outright that you know why she’s really your MIL’s, but at the same time hints that you know she might be needing help, which could make it easier for her to reach out if she wants to. I’d send that text, and after that just interact with her as you normally would.

Post # 13
Member
6953 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would absolutely reach out to her. Isolation when dealing with an abusive or tumultuous relationship can make it harder for her to get out and stay out. She might have good friends, she might not, but it can’t hurt to have someone willing to lend an ear and offer encouragement, even from a distance.

Post # 14
Member
9084 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
tulipdazey :  The number one reason why people go back to abusive relationships is because they are isolated and feel like noone is there for them so yes text your SIL and let her know you are there for her. Your husband should also do the same but I think the idea of him going to visit is great but maybe check with her first. She may be feeling overhelmed and just want her mum.

The number one thing to remember is that noone should bash her partner, because that often backfires if they go back and can make it easier for the abuser to isolate the person. Make it all about her, her feelings, her wants and how you guys will and can support her.

 

Post # 15
Member
2836 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I think reaching out would be a wonderful gesture. Sometimes abuse victims just need to know that a support system will be there for them for them to actually leave for good. I’m sure she will really appreciate your concern for her and her children. 

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