Post # 1
Member
10 posts
Newbee
Hi bees. I’m a long time lurker who made this account a few weeks ago and forgot about it. Now I need some advice and I don’t really know who to turn to, so I thought I’d ask you guys. I know there are some commenters on here that give really amazing advice.
So here is the story:
When my grandma was sixteen years old she got pregnant with my mom. Becase of the views of the time, she and the boy who impregnated her got married. They didn’t love each other and I think he started drinking (I’m not 100% clear on the entire story), anyway they got divorced when my mom was a year old. I think he had visitation rights but after a little while (mom was maybe 2?) he stopped seeing my mom.
My grandma went on to meet and marry a wonderful man who raised my mom as his daughter (they married when mom was around 4). My mom hasn’t seen her dad except at family events where they don’t interact(I have a cousin who is related to mom’s bio dad) and she has never met and doesn’t really know anything about any of her half siblings or nieces and nephews. My mom has always been open about her parentage but never wanted to know anything about her bio dad’s family. Her half sister tired to reach out a few years ago but our family was going through a crisis at the time and my mom felt like it would really hurt my grandparents if she decided to make contact with her half-sister. My mom has always said that I am welcome to make contact with her bio dad’s family and she will even enlist some family members who know these relatives (the sister reached out through them) to help me if I want.
I’ve always been curious about this other family and I feel like I am at the stage where I would like to make contact with them. Since one of the sisters reached out I assume she at least would like to know me a little.
I’m torn about whether this is a good idea, though because I know it would hurt my grandparents and I’m worried it will make things awkward between me and the family members who know/are related to my mom’s bio dad if nobody wants to get to know me.
What should I do bees? Have any of you had similar experiences?
Post # 3
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
@Janet-Snakehole: my mom got knocked up, had to marry and then they split. I have tons of half siblings.
My mother would cry for days and my step dad would be speechless when I was little if I tried to bring up wanting to meet bio dad or half siblings.
Don’t do it.
Post # 4
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
Welcome to the hive!
Is there any way you could meet this people and speak to them without everyone finding out?
Post # 5
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee
@Janet-Snakehole: I haven’t had a similar experience but the curiousity would kill me. Since I’ve never been in that situation, I can’t see why it would be so hurtful.
Meeting your biological grandfather will NEVER change the love you have for your real grandfather.
Your mother is saying you’re welcome to do so. I think you’re well within your rights to meet people related to you. To me it’s no different than going through ancestry.com. It’s normal to want to know about your family!
Again, I don’t know about the emotions involved because I’ve never been in this situation.
Try getting Bert Macklin on the case.
Post # 6
Member
10 posts
Newbee
@elliptical2013: I probably should have mentioned that my grandma was the one who told me all of this when I was 16. So she at least felt like I had a right to know if nothing else. I’m not sure if I should ask for her blessing or not, because if I ask then it might just upset her, and I’m worried she will emotionally manipulate me (she is big on that) or get really mad. I feel like I have a right to know them since they are my family, and really it’s my mom’s place to give her permission since it’s her dad. Ugh I am so confused.
Post # 7
Member
10 posts
Newbee
@Chrysoberyl: Bert Macklin is being infuriating and thinks I should just do what makes me happy. So no help there :(.
Post # 8
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Janet-Snakehole: I would hold off until after your wedding to do this. It could be a really good experience or a really shitty experience and you won’t know until you do it. He could be totally awesome and want to be involved or he might not want anything to do with you.
My mom got back into contact with her dad and seeing him with his “new” family was extremely hurtful for her. He wanted a relationship but my mom is constantly hurt by seeing him be a great parent to his younger kids which amplifies the fact that she felt abandoned by him.
Post # 9
Member
3572 posts
Sugar bee
I think this is a really bad idea. I know your mom welcomes it, but I don’t think it’s really your place to meet her biological family when she has no interest.
Post # 10
Member
10 posts
Newbee
@futuremrsk18: I was thinking that I could ask my cousin to help me, since I doubt she would tell my grandma if I asked her not to. The thing is, my grandma feels like I leave her out of my life a lot and I think she would be hurt if I didn’t tell her about a part of my life that was really her business. Sigh, this is all so complicated.
Post # 12
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
@Janet-Snakehole: maybe she doesn’t have to know though? i mean, if it’s something you really want to do and they’re your relatives, i think everyone is a grown-up and should understand. just because your bio-granddad was a jerk to your grandma doesn’t mean you should shun the rest of your entire family, IMO. I wouldn’t recommend starting a rel w/ HIM, but the rest of them? I don’t see why not.
Post # 13
Member
6741 posts
Bee Keeper
@Janet-Snakehole: I also think you should first try to get in contact with them, go out with one of them once or twice, see if there’s even a relationship to develop. If there’s not, there’s no point in hurting grandma’s feelings over something that didn’t pan out. If there is, then maybe it’s time to tell her at that point and hopefully she will understand, if you tell her the right way.
Post # 15
Member
2946 posts
Sugar bee
I understand this a bit. I am adopted and have been going back and forth about trying to reach out to my birth mother for years. It is emotionally wrenching every time I think about it.
My my advice is, don’t start this process right at some bug event. Do it slow. But at the end of the day, if they are reaching out to your side, knowing them should not be a problem. They did not raise you and turn you into who you are today. Your grandma should know that.
Dont keep it a secret. Be honest with everyone about your intentions. The more you keep it a secret, the more likely your family will see it as a betrayal.
Most importantly, go in with low expectations. This is the hardest for me.
Post # 16
Member
1006 posts
Bumble bee
I absolutely think you deserve to know your family! I know I would always regret it if I never tried. If nobody wants to get to know you, than at least you know. You won’t have to wonder.
I personally feel like your grandparents shouldn’t get upset by this. You aren’t taking anything away from them. They will always be your grandparents. You aren’t even getting to know the man who walked out. It’s your cousins that have nothing to do with what he did to your grandmother/mother. Why should family be kept from you?
Member