(Closed) should I respond?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I wouldn’t worry about it….keep the text though in case her story is different than yours and she spreads rumours…..don’t cave and let her bring someone,  that would just open a HUGE can of worms with other guests…

Post # 4
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

It’s childish from her part.  You are not doing anything wrong.  Simply respond by telling her you are sorry she can’t come and thank her for the notice.  

Post # 5
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@cuddleBee:  I don’t think you need to respond.  You just said she wasn’t even really a friend. There are situations where I wouldn’t feel comfortable not going certain places solo, depending on a variety of things.  So even thought I believe everyone should get a plus one, you are within your rights to invite just her.  And she is within her rights to decline. 

Post # 6
4945 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’d let it go.

Post # 7
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You shouldn’t respond. She is being childish. It sounds like it was a courtesy invite, anyway. if she wants to throw a little tantrum, let her! You followed etiquette perfectly. Someday someone will explain it to her and she’ll realize she’s being ridiculous.

Post # 8
4272 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Let it go. No response needed.

Post # 9
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I wouldn’t respond either. It’s silly. (That said, I hope she’s not going to pull an “Oops, forgot i declined” and show up anyway.)

Post # 10
4652 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Fiance has a crazy friend. I doubt you want someone who doesn’t give two hoots about you two at your wedding. I’d let it go, now you can invite an extra person you actually want there 🙂

Post # 11
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you can respond and just say aww sorry to hear you won’t come, we’ll miss having you there.

Post # 12
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2005

What a brat lol. Don’t waste your time. Chances are if you don’t reply she’ll feel dumb later on about sending you that.

Post # 13
46968 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

enough said.

Post # 14
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

I’d just respond “Thanks for letting me know” and leave it at that.

Post # 15
11165 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@lilbluebird:  Yeah that would be my concern.

Normally I would agree with the previous posters and say just ignore the text entirely. However, it seems she is throwing a mini tantrum to get her way and I wouldn’t put it past someone of that maturity level to just show up despite what they have said.

In this case I would respond in a simple manner, something along the lines of “I’m sorry you aren’t able to attend” and leave it at that. This doesn’t play into her little game but it does give some backing to her RSVP of no.

Post # 16
1696 posts
Bumble bee

@cuddleBee:  You don’t need to respond, and you certainly have nothing to feel bad about. But, while I think it unlikely that anyone would spread rumours over their boyfriend’s not receiving an invitation to the wedding of a mere acquaintance who has never even met him, the best way to protect against unpleasantness is to reply casually and graciously to reset the tone of the conversation back to friendly-casual: a quick reply like “Oh, we will miss you then. Enjoy your time with Max :-)” or something to that effect.

The most proper response for her to have made would have been, seeing that Max wasn’t invited and knowing that she would rather spend time with him, to simply reply that she “regrets to decline the kind invitation of Miss Cuddlebee, due to a prior engagement,” — but that is a little stuffy.

The second nearly-proper response would have been for her to speak to you in person (or on the phone) and ask “I am seeing Max Lastname: he’s a very nice gentleman. Would you be able to make an invitation available to him?” to which you reply “no, I am so sorry”(no additional excuse required), and then she politely declines due to a prior engagement, as above.

But as for the response you actually did get, you cannot be sure what her intended “tone” actually was. It might have been snide, it might have been a text-version of the above polite response. Since texts or emails generally have ambiguous tone, you might as well be as generous as possible in attributing good intentions to the people who send them. Your fiance probably is NOT so self-centred as to think that every casual acquaintance ought to put his wedding above their day-to-day social lives, right? He would not have felt hurt if she had just declined without trying to find a way to bring Max, would he? So, try to get him to see that it was actually nice of her to make an extra effort to find a way to be there for him without compromising her time with Max, and he might feel appreciative rather than hurt.

Sometimes, pretending that people actually did the proper or kind thing and responding accordingly, gives them a chance to decide to act properly going forward. And if not, it at least cements your reputation for propiety and kindness.

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