- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
I need to start out by saying that this post is not, repeat NOT, meant to be inflammatory so please please PLEASE keep the drama out of it. I really need to get this off my chest and really need some perspective.
The other night my husband and I were visiting with my cousin and his wife for a passion party she was hosting (it’s like a Tupperware party but with sex toys and such). After everyone was gone and it was just the four of us, we started talking about our past sexual experiences. I’m very open minded and open about this sort of thing, especially since the four of us have gotten pretty close. But my cousin’s wife said something that really, really bothered me.
My cousin said that he’d only slept with one woman, his wife. Then she said that, actually, that wasn’t true.
“I made [cousin] sleep with my Maid/Matron of Honor at his bachelor party so I wouldn’t be the only woman he’d ever been with”. She followed this up with “she was married at the time, but she’d been sleeping with everybody. They’re divorced now.” She was laughing.
I found this personally shocking and incredibly upsetting, but a situation in which my cousin sleeps with another woman with his wife’s blessing isn’t what did it, though I wasn’t crazy about the idea that she was married (unless her husband gave it the go-ahead). Consenting adults in the privacy of their bedrooms is none of my beeswax. It was the fact that I looked at my cousin and he didn’t look like it was something that he really wanted to do or was into. We’d been talking about sexual experiences all night, but this time his head was down. He said “well. We were drunk, so that helped.” My heart sank. I felt like the room was spinning. I started to shake. In order for a sexual experience to be a healthy one there needs to be five components: Consent, equality, respect, trust, and safety. You can have all of those things with a one night stand, but I don’t know if that was the case here and that’s what kills me. Plus, I was sexually abused at 15 by a family friend, so I think that made things really poignant for me.
I didn’t say anything. I just kept repeating in my head “none of my business, let it go, it’s his wife, you don’t have all the facts, keep your mouth shut….” but now I keep thinking that I should have said something, if for no other reason than to get more information and discover that everyone was into it, he really did want to but was too embarrassed to admit it to me, etc. We left fairly soon after that. This was a few days ago and it’s still really bothering me.
From what I can tell, other than this they have a good relationship. She’s a good person, very strong personality. I love my cousin very much and I know that this is none of my business, but I’m also having a hard time not losing a lot of respect for his wife. Before this, I liked her very much and stood up for her and vouched for her on a number of occassions to other family members who weren’t sure about their relationship. That’s not going to stop…I just feel like I need a resolution and I’m not sure how to get it.
Should I talk to them about it and if so, how do I broach the subject? Or should I leave it alone because it’s really none of my business?