Post # 1
Hi bees. I need some advice. My aunt has cancer and recently just had major surgery. Her two sons, whom she’s done everything for, haven’t been much of a help at all. It was the same deal the first time she was diagnosed and now that she’s relapsed it hasn’t gotten any better. For an example my aunt’s surgery was very major and she was in the operating room for 6 hours and she’ll be in the hospital for at least 2 weeks recovering and then will need in home nurses for a few weeks for wound/drain care and then will still need to go through chemo after she heals from surgery. Her two sons were there during surgery but left right after to go visit friends a few hours away right after. The whole time they were gone not once did they call anyone to check on their mother. Mind you she was still in the ICU when they left. They came home late Sunday night and my aunt’s partner told the youngest son (he’s early to mid twenties) that he needed to make sure he didn’t sleep in on Monday so he could go to hospital before he went to work that afternoon. Of course he slept in and didn’t go see her and also slept in on Tuesday and only went to the hospital for 20 mins. My father (aunt’s brother) and my aunt’s partner have both tried to say something to them. My aunt’s partner is at wits end trying to take care of everything herself when her two sons who are both in their 20’s should be stepping up to the plate as well. She called my mother last night to see if maybe myself or my brother could say something to them hoping that if it also came from someone younger that they would maybe listen. I’m not sure what to say or stay out of it. I talked to my brother and he doesn’t want to say anything because he doesn’t think it will help anything. Any advise you could give me?
Post # 2
I don’t think it is your place at all.
You don’t know the full extent of their relationship, to you it might look like she has done everything for them, but maybe she was a bad mother behind closed doors. Also, everyone handles things differently. They might be handling this the best they can.
If someone told me how I should have handled my mothers stroke, I would have given them a piece of my mind so fast their head would have spun.
Post # 3
Nope. Step back and shut your mouth. You have no idea what is going on beyond what you see on the surface. If YOU want to be invovled, great. You can pitch in. But don’t tell other people how to behave.
eta – And how passive aggressive to call someone and ask their kids to say something to someone elses kids. Wtf.
Post # 4
stay out of it. But you could step up and be the niece she needs during this time. My father in law just passed from cancer and while my husband tried to be there for everything we lived two hours away so he couldn’t be there for everything and still maintain his job. DH’s cousin stepped up and would cook for Father-In-Law and just come over to hang and be a good companion. If you have the energy it sounds like you have the heart. I’m sorry your family is going through this.
Post # 5
I went through something similar when my mom went into surgery this year to remove a tumor. My brother is also in his early 20s and was completely useless. However, if my mom had a problem with him not stepping up to help her than it would have been her conversation to have as much as I wanted to say something.
I disagree with a pp that said maybe she wasn’t a good mother behind closed doors. I think a more likely reason why they would stay away is because it is not easy to see someone you care about no longer to be able to take care of themselves–at least that’s how I felt. Or they can be my brother and just be a selfish human being and people telling him what to do is not going to change that.
Post # 6
Thanks for the adivise. I wouldn’t have considered of saying anything if it were not her partner asking but I was still leaning towards no. For now I’m going to stay out of it. I’ll do as much as I can to help but I live 8 hours away.
For the person who insinuated that she was a bad mother. I know 100% that is not the case. I spent many summers in her home with her and my cousins growing up. Hell one of her sons still lives at home. If she was such a bad mom he would be out of there.
For the other passive aggressive comment. I don’t think she’s passive aggressive at all. She’s under a lot of stress watching someone she loves suffer and having to be the person to take care of everything. So I 100% get where she’s coming from and know that she is frustrated and she has a right to be.
Post # 7
I have to agree with the others to stay out of it. When my dad passed away suddenly last year, it seemed like I was uninvolved with taking care of his affairs, as my mom did everything. They were a 2 hour plane ride away and I’m a teacher so there was no way I could take a leave of absence from school. A couple of my mom’s friends were whispering behind her back about me, but once she got wind, she set them straight. People grieve in different ways and it’s not for you to judge how involved they should be in her life. Plus, you’re not there 24/7 to know whether or not they are calling. You never know what goes on behind closed doors.
Post # 8
Nothing to do with you, stay out of it
Post # 9
It’s a sad situation, but I would stay out of it.
Post # 11
Yeah, it’s a sad situation, but I’d stay out of it. However, as a previous poster said, if you can and you feel you would want to, you could perhaps help out? I’m not saying you’re not or anything, I just think that would be the better alternative.
Post # 12
I’m of the opinion adults don’t need to be told what they “should” do, they are fully aware and it is up to them whether they want to be involved or not. Eveyone deals with things in different ways.